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Judge Parker, 5/6/10

I’ve frankly been pretty bored with the Neddy’s-triumphant-return storyline so far, but things may in fact be looking up. I expected to Jules to be some sort of mishmosh of Frenchy/fashion designer/metrosexual stereotypes — effete, histrionic, lascivious — but it would be much more interesting if he were an actual crazy person. Perhaps he designed the perfect shoe years ago, and just looking upon it left him the wild-eyed madman you see in panel three. The cruelest aspect of his mental illness is that he can no longer even remember his great moment of shoemaking apotheosis! All he can do is carefully balance the heels of his latest creation on his thumbs and mutter lunatic nonsense.

It’s also possible that Jules’s weird, aberrant behavior is drug induced. This would be great, as this strip has lacked a good drug story since Abbey got high on accident a couple of years ago. Jules will presumably claim that, because of his spasming back, he had to take a whole fistful of “medicinal” shrooms.

Apartment 3-G, 5/6/10

Speaking of drug-fueled descents into madness — uh, Margo, I’m all for substance abuse to ease the pain of losing your fiance, but don’t take the angry ones, OK? I know it’s useless to reason with someone in a paranoid rage, but might I point out that, in order to be manipulative, you have to be smart?

Mark Trail, 5/6/10

This Mark Trail story, which started out as “Mark finally agrees to have the relations with Cherry,” looks like it’s about degenerate into “Sassy runs off without her collar.” This will inevitably lead to lots of Rusty running through the woods with his emotions running high, and whether the boy is amped up or terrified he’s awful to look at, so no good can come of it. Plus we’re forced to contemplate just how “not pretty” that dumb little dog smells now.

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Phantom, 4/22/10

I know that there’s been an uptick in security measures at airports since 9/11, but I think sleepy Westchester County Airport’s decision to acquire anti-aircraft weaponry may be an overreaction to current threats. Where will this escalation end? Will any of us sleep soundly at night once Yonkers has nukes?

Judge Parker, 4/22/10

Kudos to new artist Mike Manley for continuing the Judge Parker tradition of having female characters vamp sexily while the usual plot tedium drones on around them. “Anxiety attacks? How erotic,” panel three Neddy is thinking, from the looks of it.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/22/10

“And anyone who doesn’t want to burn to death when I torch it for the insurance money has about three minutes to get the hell out.”

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Funky Winkerbean, 4/6/10

A layperson might believe that Funky Winkerbean has already extracted the maximum amount of misery possible out of its characters and settings, but rest assured that the Pain Scientists over at Westview Industries are working hard at pushing the envelope of pure torture. It is of course pathetic that this grease-stained fast food subchain is the only place where FW characters can be happy (presumably they’re mistaking the sated albeit somewhat bloated feeling that comes from eating the pizza, combined with the absence of immediate physical pain, for “happiness”), but it’s all they’ve got. And now even that’s being taken away from them! Montoni’s will go bankrupt and all of you losers will be forced to morosely pick through dumpsters for sustenance! Ha ha ha!

One of the fascinating things about today’s strip is that it contains the structure of a joke without any even nominal humor content. It would have maybe worked if Funky (and yes, it took me a minute to work it out, but I’m pretty sure that’s Funky calling from the accountants’ office, and not some accountant placing a mafia-style phone call with no proper nouns and vague, unspecified threats) had claimed that Montoni’s was “guilty of insolvency” or something. As it is, it appears that Funky and Holly are each deploying a mismatched half of a desultory pun-couplet of the sort that marginally leavens the bleak horror of the Funkyverse, leaving them (and us) confused as well as depressed.

Crankshaft, 4/6/10

Meanwhile, over in the “fun” Funkyverse strip, suddenly single Crankshaft has decided to look for love online. The expression settling on his face in panel two as he realizes that nobody likes him is utterly priceless.

Judge Parker, 4/6/10

Speaking of priceless expressions of despair, check out Sam slowly morphing into a sad-eyed Margaret Keane painting in panel three. “He’s wearing the same color of minty green as I am … but he looks so much more attractive and carefree in it than I do! Damn you, you handsome, leonine-haired young buck!”

Hi and Lois, 4/6/10

Ha ha! It’s funny because they’re going to be sleeping in their car!

Pluggers, 4/6/10

Pluggers could die at any time, anywhere they park their lazy asses, and nobody would care much, or even notice.