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Judge Parker, 2/20/10

Oh look, Rocky’s making nice with this paparazzo! That will totally make up for the time not 24 hours earlier when Rocky brutally assaulted him, right in front of a local law enforcement officer, and suffered no consequences for it whatsoever. He gives the hat-tip to Sam for his sudden burst of peaceableness, since it was Sam who told him that he needed to learn to control his temper if he didn’t want his wife divorcing him and taking all of his money away. A cavalcade of human loathsomeness all around!

Perhaps the reason that Rocky didn’t get all punchy again is that, in the world of Judge Parker, pretty people rule; but under the terrifying regime of the stand-in artist, everyone is equally deformed, leaving the inhabitants of the Parkerverse unclear on who exactly is allowed to domineer over whom.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/20/10

Don’t worry, though, everyone is still hilariously pretty and dumb over in Rex Morgan. Brook, having attempted bribe Toots out of the house with a sammich as if he were a common hobo, reacts to the return of her terrifying relatives with some kind of flailing dance move/martial arts readiness stance. I cannot wait for the wacky sitcom-style shenanigans that will ensue as Toots spends the next six to eight weeks attempting to lay low in the Morgan basement.

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Your COTW shortly, but first, a note on the health of Judge Parker artist Eduardo Barreto: It appears that while he is very ill, things may be more hopeful than previously indicated, and the syndicate is not planning on replacing him any time soon, but will rather give him time to get better and see if he’s still up to it. So, we will have to endure some replacement artists, but hopefully he will be up and better before too long. Fingers crossed!

And now, your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“I love how Mrs. Drunky McDrunkerson is willing to give every relevant detail about Kurt, but NOT ONE DETAIL MORE! ‘I’m willing to (hic) answer 10 or 11 questions and fill in some background detail, but that’s IT! (hic)'” –Patrick

And the extremely funny runners up!

“I love how Jeffy is smugly shitting himself. ‘You think peanut butter is bad, bitch? We’re sharing a room tonight!'” –It’s time to pay the price

“Mark Tail, Panel 2: ‘Judge Parker does gratuitous ass shots all the time, so why can’t I?'” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“To be fair, Trixie is 55 years old now and has never been continent. It’d be pissing me off by that point as well.” –TruthOfAngels

“I really like Spiderman this week, learning about all the Marvel™ characters who live in New York. Mainly what I’m learning is that they’re all pricks.” –JD

“My brain pretty much freezes up at attempting to comprehend how unsophisticated someone would have to be to regard Mark Trail as a fancy city dweller.” –Violet

“Now you and your friend here can pack up and go back to your fancy city, what with all the ’lectricity and indoor plummin’ and laws against marryin’ your sisters.” –Perky Bird

“For today’s matinee, the part of Helen Clark will be played by David Bowie. The part of the whiskey will be played by Orange Tang.” –willethompson

“I think her first questions will be, ‘How come Drew cheated on me and will he ever come back?’ and ‘Do I look hot in purple?'” –Gabacho

“I think Wilbur needs to get a refund from Glamour Shots.” –Gump Worsley

“Meanwhile, in MT, why is Mark checking his watch? ‘Uh oh, it’s half past Wednesday. Time to wrap up this plot line with a few good hits and get back to ignoring my wife.'” –Nekrotzar

“The squirrels have learned of violence! We are doomed!” –The Eric

“On another note, the only interesting characters in this strip are alleged alcoholics. What happened to us? When did a glamorous and acceptable social tradition morph into a crippling social stigma?” –trey le parc

“Given that Helen Clark is now head of the United Nations Development Programme, this Mary Worth storyline could have global ramifications … which would be a nice change from storylines even the characters in the strip don’t appear to particularly care about.” –Meg

“Also, what’s up with the giant Q-Tips on Dawn’s table? I’m starting to wonder just how far she’ll go to get a sample of Kurt’s DNA.” –Phila

“I don’t know who you think you are, young lady, but unless you’re calling about providing me with more delicious transmission fluid, please leave me alone.” –Edgy DC

“Considering we see no web strand being released in panel 2 in conjunction with the ‘Thwip!’ effect, it can only be assumed that it’s the sound of Spider-Man’s sciatica acting up in typical form.” –tb4000

“Moy certainly has her cliched portrait-of-a-lifelong-drunk hiccups down, but I’m disappointed Giella hasn’t followed suit by giving this old crow a gin-blossomed nose, a few ethereal circles floating around her head, and a jauntily-cocked lampshade for a hat. Perhaps you can afford to retain visual dignity when you make your Bloody Marys with the actual blood of the working class.” –frippy

“Senior Plugger Dog Man got a crick in his neck by licking his own balls for four straight hours.” –Ned Ryerson

“The best part of the throwaway panels of Blondie: Dagwood staring blankly into space as he wonders what the hell he just bought. This changes the entire strip from ‘Herb’s hidden feelings’ to ‘Herb frantically tries to undo the florist’s brainwashing by smashing through Dagwood’s wall of cognitive dissonance.'” –Dragon of Life

“Is that a little shot glass built into the handset? You know, for added strength during difficult conversations.” –MattF

“Dawn has been yelled at so hard it’s literally given her a concussion! Next three strips: Dawn pukes on the couch and has an emotional crisis about cleaning it up.” –Trae Dorn

“My initial assumption was that she was dead, but then I remembered that I wasn’t reading Funky Winkerbean, but Crankshaft, where boundless cruelty comes from other people, rather than from the universe itself.” –Captain Thunder

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Mary Worth, 2/12/10

Ha ha, look at Dawn’s face in panel one: she can barely contain her joy as this wave of class hatred washes over her. Lies and deceit? A father who never lived up to his responsibilities? A son who was rejected by his blood relatives because he came from the wrong side of the tracks? Whatever! Wilbur is HERS HERS HERS HERS again! It’s like Christmas! Thanks, spiteful and terrible old drunk lady! Dawn will never forget you!

Herb and Jamaal, 2/12/10

Wow, Herb and Jamaal has taken on an interesting new idea: making everyday sayings hilariously concrete. Either that, or Eula has finally decided to get rid of her hated son-in-law once and for all, by using a fast-acting muscular paralytic.

B.C., 2/12/10

Johnny Hart’s grandson Mason Mastroianni is less than three years into his gig as B.C. artist and already he’s gone mad with power, imagining himself as a wrathful God who keeps His creations quaking in constant terror.

Pluggers, 2/12/10

This is possibly the most depressing Pluggers every produced. Damn you, pluggers, I don’t care that your bodies are so ill-maintained that the mere thought of vigorous activity, sexual or otherwise, has you reaching for some kind of muscle-soothing unguent; I for one plan to take my clothes of for recreational purposes when I get old.

Of course, it’s possible that pluggers don’t have anything against sex per se, but simply find the combination of sex and nudity morally distasteful. Thus, they only get it on when their worn, greasy pajama pants develop holes in suitable locations.

Mark Trail 2/12/10

“Yeah, my doctor, he said, ‘Senator, you can’t just go around slapping people who irritate you, because one of these days someone’s going to beat the crap out of you and then you’ll probably die, you miserable old prick.'”

SAD AND DEPRESSING JUDGE PARKER UPDATE: Several readers wrote to tell me that it looks like Judge Parker artist Eduardo Barreto is gravely ill from meningitis and is unable to continue his duties on the soap strip. While I and others have poked fun at his, er, voluptuous ladies, I think we all appreciate his work on the strip, which is really unlike anything else on the comics page (with the possible exception of the art from his friend Graham Nolan on RMMD). I sincerely hope that Barreto’s health improves, and I know that it will be very difficult for King Features to find a replacement who will live up to what he’s done over the past few years.