Post Content

Sally Forth, 5/4/06

Tune in for future installments of Sally Forth’s alcohol-fueled blackouts and ancillary hilarity:

• “Gee, Sal, you say the car had four tires when you came home from work?”
• “All I know is that Ralph says you were the most giving and nurturing lover he’s ever had.”
• “Mom, Faye says she won’t come over for dinner again until you get rid of that gun.”
• “So you say you remember punching the other softball coach in the face, but you don’t remember kicking him in the gut after he went down?”
• “All I know is that Alice says you were the most giving and nurturing lover she’s ever had.”

Judge Parker, 5/4/06

I’m not familiar enough with the rich Judge Parker backstory to know whether Abbey was born to fabulous wealth or if she came by it by marrying (or just shacking up with? I can’t keep it straight) Sam Driver, but she clearly has a lot to learn when it comes to ordering her henchpersons about. She’s got the part where you make them dress up in ludicrous uniforms right, but she doesn’t really know how to talk to them:

• Incorrect way to respond to relayed information from an underling: Allowing to them learn unnecessary details by engaging them in a rousing game of Exposition.
• Correct way to respond to relayed information from an underling: “Did I give you permission to make eye contact with me? Return to your duties at once, Unit 39-D!”

They’ll Do It Every Time, 5/4/06

This panel ignores the tremendous pressure anyone named “Neato” is under to be tidy. As if four grueling years of male nursing school weren’t enough!

B.C., 5/4/06

OK, but see, this is just totally insane.

Post Content

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/26-7/06

Well, no wonder she’s sick all the time, with these quacks for parents. I guess they’re trying to conclusively settle the “feed a cold and starve a fever, or vice-versa?” argument. Maybe they can convince Dr. Troy to open an all-dessert-based clinic, with Lou from Mary Worth as a silent partner.

Abbey, as always the smartest one in the room, looks like she’s unconvinced about the effectiveness of this protocol. She also looks to me disturbingly like a whacked-out Axl Rose (like there’s any other kind). But then, in panel two in Wednesday’s strip, Sarah looks a lot like Angela Lansbury, so I may be seeing things.

Beetle Bailey, 4/27/06

That’s funny, I think my initial response to “Beetle didn’t open his chute” would have been “If he isn’t careful, he’ll plummet to a terrifying, painful death.” Guess that’s why I’m not in the army!

Apartment 3-G, 4/27/06

“Yeah, your art, your passion, your life’s work … snoresville! It’s good thing you’re so dull yourself, so you don’t notice. I’m going to go do something more interesting now, like listen to myself talk. Ta!”

Judge Parker, 4/27/06

Oh, yuck. Is that what they’re calling it these days? I hope for his clients’ sake that he isn’t treating this time as billable hours.

Post Content

Pluggers, 4/24/06

I have tried — I mean, really, really tried — to restrain my college-educated, East Coast-dwelling, liberal urban elitism while reading Pluggers, holding my tongue as I am lectured day after day about how simple, down-home folks are morally superior to me. But this one really just pushed me over the edge, and I’m not what you’d call particularly clean. All right, Pluggers, listen up: If your response to spilling something on the floor is to aimlessly push it around with your sock, you live in filth, OK? I know your kitchen tile is already invisible under a layer of grime and sticky Fanta residue, but try to make a goddamn effort, for Christ’s sake. I hope social services comes and takes away your undernourished kids, the Humane Society comes and takes away your chained-up dogs, and the dentist comes and takes away the last of your meth-loosened teeth. And don’t try to tell me that you represent the “real America,” because I live in America and we have these things called paper towels.

Judge Parker, 4/24/06

Meanwhile, in the other America — the rich, white, freaky-red-haired-fright-wigged America — Sam and Abbey have turned from ruining Ned’s love life to cramping Sophie’s academic style. See, earlier this morning (by which I mean two weeks ago, JP-time), Abbey’s youngest received praise from her teacher on her latest school paper, which praised the concept of outsourcing. Today, the upcoming conflict is being telegraphed with a total lack of subtlety: Sophie is outsourcing her homework to India! This presumably includes the aforementioned paper about outsourcing, which may be a desperate attempt on the part of this strip that it does too understand the concept of irony.

Who’s to blame for this sad state of affairs? Evil, greedy CEOs, who have set a bad example to the nation’s youth by demonstrating that labor should be sought at the lowest possible prices, wherever you can find it? The Indians, for being so smart and yet working so cheaply that good old fashioned American fraudulant-paper-writers can’t compete? My vote goes to Sam and Abbey: I don’t care how many acres your estate is and how many pretty, pretty horses frolic prettily on it, nobody Sophie’s age (which is indeterminable due to crappy artwork, but is surely somewhere between 8 and 13) needs access to international wire transfer capabilities.

Sally Forth, 4/24/06

Boy, is Hillary in luck! She’s bonded with a moody goth girl just in time to learn about death!