Archive: Judge Parker

Thursday, Sep 07, 2006 Comments are closed

Spider-Moron

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Spider-Man, 9/7/06

When we last checked in with the web-slinger, he had just been knocked unconscious by a sinister butler. Since then, I have refrained from commenting on the various indignities this strip has visited upon its readership. When the murderous manservant drove out to a cliff where he had somehow prearranged a camera set-up to record his snuff film, I stayed silent. When Spider-Man spent an entire strip being held at gunpoint claiming in his thought balloons that he couldn’t move without endangering the suddenly not-evil Narna, then moved out of the way the very next day, I said not a word. When Narna tried to save our hero by flinging an enormous rock, only to hit him in the back of the head — despite the fact that, in the panel where she threw the rock, Spidey was facing towards her — I held my tongue.

But this — this — cannot stand. Here we have crimes not just against logic and good sense, but a violation of some of the core rules of this genre, in which we expect the villain to be defeated, in one sense or another, by the hero, and not to be rubbed out by his own incompetence as the hero lies groggy on the ground, felled by one of his allies. I’ll bet the writers think that this is ironic. It is not ironic. The introduction and then immediate solving of a problem in last year’s loathsome health insurance storyline was bad enough, but this is an abomination that cannot be so easily forgiven. I damn thee, Spider-Man! I damn thee to superhero hell in the name of the unwritten but well-understood contract between author and reader! Anathema, anathema!

Apartment 3-G, 9/7/06

Beer! Is there anything it can’t do? Beer looks like it’s about to get Tommie laid, which would make it the most powerful substance on earth.

Now, you and I both know that Tommie isn’t going to get laid, of course. No doubt right as Ted is about to make his drunken move, Lucy’s going to show up, begging for forgiveness, and either she’ll see the two of them together and further sitcom-style complications will ensue, or they’ll suddenly realize how foolish they’ve been and start macking right there in front of our poor forlorn redhead; or, even if Lucy stays in whatever adulterous love nest she’s been in for the past few months, Tommie will suddenly have an attack of righteousness and head on back to her cold, lonely bed in Apartment 3-G. So, no nookie for Tommie. But it won’t be beer’s fault.

Judge Parker, 9/7/06

Yeah, so I take back what I said before. I don’t think the glassy-eyed Abbey wants Raju to kiss her. I now think she’s just really, really high.

Pluggers, 9/7/06

So, you’re a Plugger if, uh, you’re forever haunted by the icy specter of death? Does Pluggers have any gears other than “smug” and “depressing?”

Tuesday, Sep 05, 2006 Comments are closed

Dances with honkies

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For Better Or For Worse, 9/5/06

I’m sure there’s going to be plenty of time to discuss at great length Liz’s sanctimoniousness (faithful commentor fillmoreeast memorably referred to her as the “White Guilt Fairy”). For now, I’d just to point out that she’s awfully smug for someone who appears to have fallen under the spell of technology-assisted learning pretty much instantly. “All right kids, I’m going ask you a single question, which won’t require any kind of creative or analytical thinking on your part, before I turn on the TV. Now watch this damn tape about … I dunno … the environment or some crap. And watch it quietly. Just because I have my head down on my desk doesn’t mean I can’t hear you.”

By the way, Liz, Canada’s longest river is the Mackenzie, which for its entire length flows through … the Northwest Territories. Thus, it crosses no provinces at all. I learned this the old-fashioned way: on the Internet.

Judge Parker, 9/5/06

Oh my God, Raju, don’t wait for the clothes — you’re clearly irresistible to somebody. Look at the way she’s staring soulfully into your eyes! Kiss her, you fool, before the moment’s gone!

I’ve always been too distracted by the fright-wig craziness going on at the top of Abbey’s head to really notice the long, luxurious locks cascading down the back. She may be the wealthiest woman in America sporting a Manic Panic she-mullet.

Mark Trail, 9/5/06

Honestly, we’ve learned this already, But Molly the bear really needs to learn to express affection in some way other than french kissing. Here, she runs afoul of the moose-kangaroo hybrids that have escaped their secret government breeding compounds and are ranging free in Lost Forest.

Marmaduke, 9/5/06

There is entirely too much ass in today’s Marmaduke.

Sunday, Aug 27, 2006 Comments are closed

Little Twentysomething pitchers have big ears

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Apartment 3-G, 8/27/06

And New York loves you, Gina. Except for the part of New York that lives in your apartment building, whom you insist on insulting. Kids these days! With their hairy shirts and inability to filter their ids and whatnot. Still, we all should grateful for Gina, because her inappropriate blabbermouthery generated a rare triple head-bobble in panel four, though if Tommie isn’t secretly enjoying this display, I’ll eat Margo’s hat. Margo, meanwhile, gives us one moment of wounded vulnerability in panel five before launching a patented icy stare at the Professor in the final panel. Gina had better be taking notes right now.

Oh, and what the hell is going on with the word “Frida” randomly appearing on Tommie’s face in the first panel? Creepy. As. Hell. My guess: it’s a prison tattoo of the name of her girlfriend, who’s still on the “inside.” Watch out, Ted: she’s spoken for!

Judge Parker, 8/27/06

I don’t mean to harsh on the aesthetic endeavors of a pair of overpampered teenage girls, but I find Raju’s haircut, while an improvement over his old greaseball look, to be insufficiently hilarious. Clearly, we need to turn to a professional to get him Queer Eyed. Say, does Randy Parker have some spare time? I hear he’s not the marrying kind. If you know what I mean. And I think you do. No, not going to get married any time soon. No, sir.

Judge Parker seems to be jealous of Apartment 3-G’s newfound ability to keep several plot balls in the air at once, as it’s introducing yet another story thread: the case of the missing horse feed! I’m sure it will be riveting.

Mary Worth, 8/27/06

“Actually, it may be more than a plan, it may be a harebrained scheme!” If Toby’s plan involves Mary’s feminine wiles, a woodchipper, and a gross of industrial-strength Hefty bags, I for one will be a happy guy. Just don’t look directly at her shirt, or you’ll get seasick.

Marvin, 8/27/06

Aaaaand here come the Chinese child labor jokes.