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Dennis the Menace, 2/21/21

After a solid year of ignoring the coronavirus pandemic and muddling through in its mostly ’50s nostalgia world, Dennis the Menace has decided to abruptly leap into current events with both feet. How would Mr. Wilson — an elderly man whose human contact comes almost entirely from his wife, who he tolerates, and the neighbor kid, who he despises — deal with the isolating effects of social distancing? Well, it turns out the answer is “great.” Not so great for Dennis’s parents, obviously! There’s a reason they let him wander unsupervised through the neighborhood, after all.

Judge Parker, 2/21/21

It’s no secret that Judge Parker has gotten significantly less zany in the post-Woody Wilson era. That’s why I’m very excited about it taking a sharp turn into a new chapter, and that new chapter is: Godiva Danube: Ghost Sexpot!

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Judge Parker, 12/19/20

A few years back, Judge Parker Senior wrote The Chambers Affair, a mystery/spy novel that received a bad review from a snooty Ivy League academic but raves from everyone else, including vicious gun runners and the husband of the aforementioned Ivy League academic, so I assume it was a fun, breezy potboiler. I’m very sad that we didn’t get to see Alan try to pitch a sequel, in which our hero Chambers (?) spends 400 pages musing on the complexity of life and the moral grey areas we all need to grapple with, only to be laughed out of his publisher’s office.

Daddy Daze, 12/19/20

I haven’t been reading Daddy Daze for very long, but if there’s one thing I know about the Daddy Daze baby, it’s that he’s extremely, unnaturally mobile and very curious about everything, so why on Earth would you keep a breakable vase on top of an obviously wobble-prone table in the same house as him? (This problem would not be rectified by putting the Daddy Daze baby in a hamster ball.) Please, Daddy Daze daddy, demonstrate a little savvy about your own universe, I beg of you.

Dick Tracy, 12/19/20

Sam knows that a war is like just about any other product in this mass-produced age: mechanized, executed on a grand scale, leaving no room for the personal touch. Now, a broken neck? That’s an artisanal murder, that’s what that is.

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Dennis the Menace, 9/10/20

Well to be honest does anybody actually read Blondie, 9 Chickweed Lane, or Judge Parker?

Judge Parker, 9/10/20

Oops, I guess somebody does! Ahem so it looks like Ronnie Huerta is headed back to L.A. without Neddy, who has rediscovered the charms of room and board on Abby’s dime in rustic Cavelton. But I’m torn. On the one hand, Ronnie was the sassy gf who called Neddy on her copious B.S. — an endless, unpleasant, and valuable public service. But on the other, she’s one of a class of characters in Judge Parker and Sally Forth who daily undermine, hijack, or derail everything the main characters say. You never really finish a conversation with her, Norton, Toni Bowen, Sally’s team at the office, or Ted Forth without them steering it off into some metanarrative, stunt, non sequitur, distraction, hallucination, or wisecrack. Look, she’s doing it right up there! It’s annoying, and it mucks up the pace, which in the case of Judge Parker is legendarily slow to begin with.

So c’mon, Ronnie! Let Neddy gush about Cavelton for a few insincere minutes before you shut her down and hug it out. It’s probably the last thing you’ll do before you flicker out of existence forever, so make it a good one! Say hi to Aria, Chad Duncan, and the Thorp kids!

Gasoline Alley, 9/10/20

Idiot rustics attempt some extremely low-stakes con, part XXVII.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/10/20

With any luck, your corpse will be Board certified!

— Uncle Lumpy