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Archive: Judge Parker

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Grim Thursday

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Daddy Daze, 1/30/20

So this week I’ve decided to add some new strips to my rotation, and one of them is Daddy Daze, billed by King Features as being about “Paul, the single dad who amicably shares custody of little Angus with ex-wife Amy, as he juggles an at-home job and domestic duties.” Admittedly I’ve only been reading it for a week or so, but it seems to be more about “Paul, a single dad imprisoned in some featureless void with only a preverbal infant for company, eventually driven to madness by his loneliness and inventing increasingly deranged and nightmarish imagery out of his son’s babbling.” It’s real grim stuff.

Judge Parker, 1/30/20

So one of the ongoing Judge Parker plots is that Sophie, still suffering PTSD after her kidnapping, is, much to Abbey’s consternation, hesitant to apply to college because really, why bother, why should we act like any of us have a future, anyway? But it seems she’s now discovered a way to add meaning in her life at least in the short term, by helping her family friend and actual criminal Judge Parker Emeritus get elected mayor. Sophie’s political views are somewhat eclectic, ranging from “climate change is bad” to “any self-respecting polity ought to have a fleet of secret flying death robots to wreak havoc on its enemies,” so she should do great with Future Mayor Parker’s campaign, which mostly seems based on the idea that “Uh hey guys I went to jail for a while and it turns out jail sucks.”

The Lockhorns, 1/30/20

Have I ever liked Leroy Lockhorn? No, of course not. He is, inherently, not a likable character. But do I want to see him hurled to his death off the roof of whatever depressing suburban office building he works in? No. That’s too much. It’s too much!

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Vote early, vote often, vote Parker

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Dennis the Menace, 1/11/20

“Admittedly, it’s kind of weird bringing this up while we’re looking at a shelf that doesn’t include any nerf guns — that indeed doesn’t seem to include any toys manufactured in the last forty years at all. Just a bunch of old-timey toys not even in packaging! Almost like this art was drawn at some earlier date and then the caption was grafted onto it. Anyway, it’s a relief that we’re finally admitting that we don’t like spending time with our son and hope he spends as much time at our grumpy old neighbor’s as possible. Like, each of us knew the other one felt that way, but it feels good to say it out loud, you know?”

Judge Parker, 1/11/20

Hey, remember when Judge Parker Emeritus admitted to doing crimes on TV and then went to jail, but then just a few months later he got out, and I can’t even remember if it was because of more illegal skullduggery or just some dumb technicality, but anyway, now that everyone’s forgotten that unpleasantness, it looks like it’s time for Alan to take his place amongst the town’s rightful leaders again! I certainly hope he calls upon Horace, an old Parker family retainer who you may or may not remember (and really, why would you, why do I remember him, why is so much of my precious, limited brain space taken up by plot points from soap opera comic strips from the mid-’00s) as the guy who ran Randy Parker’s campaign for judge way back when. He was really hot on Randy marrying his fiance, who was the leader of a cult of some sort, which he failed to do, thus giving his opponent the opportunity to start a homophobic whisper campaign against him. Fortunately Horace was there to remind the Parker camp that their opponent’s wife was a drunk, and so Sam and Randy smugly watched her melt down at a press conference and then quietly seized the judgeship that Randy felt was rightly his. Anyway, I feel like Alan’s very public crime-doing will require a lot more dirty-election-tricks help than Randy’s possible homosexuality did, so I can’t wait to see the scorched-earth campaign that’s about to be unleashed.

Mark Trail, 1/11/20

God bless Mark Trail for being so pure of heart that even though he can’t stand Harvey Camel, he instinctively believes him to the point of having his mind utterly blown when Harvey says “oh, yeah, I definitely saw a yeti, by the way.” I certainly hope the next three weeks are taken up by Harvey telling a long, rambling story, along the lines of “one time a train full of drunken clowns derailed in the forest” and “one time a walrus wrecked a rental SUV by violently giving birth in it“, about that one time he just glimpsed a hairy bipedal cryptid loping through the Himalayan dusk.

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Pretty sure April the master spy knew how to use chopsticks, so the scene will be pretty comical in retrospect

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/23/19

At first I thought it was kind of sad that Barney Google was sticking around Hootin’ Holler for Christmas. Doesn’t he have any friends and family, back home in the big city of [refuses to consult Wikipedia], let’s say, Chicago? But then I realized: of course he doesn’t. He’s like 120 years old! He’s watched everyone he’s ever loved grow old and die! The only correct place for him to celebrate another in his infinite string of Christmases is with the Smiths, his fellow immortals.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 12/23/19

Ah yes, the tale of nog,? so scary we had to relegate to to off-panel. Now can we get to the real horror: the tale of these eggs, and what their reproductive cycle is? Why is there a “parent” egg and a “child” egg? Have eggs managed to evolve not only sapience and the desire to tell scary stories to each other, but also the ability to reproduce themselves without a chicken being involved at all? Do they just bud asexually? Do they fuck? Do eggs fuck? And why is there a barn? Why are these eggs in a house but you can see a barn outside, a bar like you’d find on a farm where chickens lay eggs? But in this scenario we’ve established that chickens aren’t necessary, so: what’s going on in the barn? What’s going on in the God-damned barn?

Judge Parker, 12/23/19

In the wacky ways of Hollywood, Neddy and Ronny’s movie about April the CIA assassin has now become a TV show about April the CIA assassin, because viewers love binge-watching high-concept prestige longform storytelling but only go to the movies to see superhero flicks with nine-digit budgets. Anyway, the real question is: will April, who only gave her blessing to a movie version of her life, emerge from hiding and murder everybody, and if so will it happen before or after we get to watch trained actors recreate the famous “work them like a claw” scene from April and Randy’s first date?