Post Content

Judge Parker, 8/8/19

Ooh, it looks like Judge Parker is dipping deep into its lore for this latest plot twist! Who is it just off-panel addressing Sam as “Samuel” so unctuously? Is it Rocky Ledge, Godiva’s on-again, off-again husband and Europa Aerospace’s CEO, who used to be an aw-shucks country music star (in addition to being the CEO of an aerospace company/green power colossos) but maybe is evil now? Is it Avery the Hollywood agent, who Sam accidentally helped become a drug lord? Is it … just April’s dad Norton, again? It’s probably Norton, isn’t it.

Dick Tracy, 8/8/19

God, look how angrily Dick is pursing his lips in panel three. “Yes, while the temptation is almost overwhelming to simply arrest the person adjacent to this crime whose family has criminals in it and throw them in jail forever without trial on account of their tainted blood, I suppose we must find … or perhaps manufacture … proof, because of the liberal Supreme Court’s meddling.”

The Phantom, 8/8/19

I know I haven’t really been keeping you up to date on the weekday Phantom, so, real quick: in his quest to rescue Imara Sahara, wife of the Nomad (the Phantom’s archnemesis!) and mother of Kadia (the Phantom’s daughter’s best friend!) from the Nomad’s seaside villa/heavily guarded terrorist compound, our hero has had to stay one step ahead of both American drone strikes and various Nomad henchmen trying to ensure his wife never escapes to spill her guts about his operations. Anyway, I particularly approve of the Ghost Who Walks’ technique to keep her calm during this ordeal: distract her with Wikipedia facts about the country where her daughter is staying. “Mawitaan is the third largest city in sub-Saharan Africa! It’s the center of a major sheep-herding region and sits atop valuable copper deposits!”

Funky Winkerbean, 8/8/19

In addition to being a very bad English teacher, Les is also the advisor to the school newspaper. Today we’re learning that many of the kids who work for the school newspaper are unfamiliar with the vocabulary of journalism, and this is … proof that young people are dumb and bad, and not an indictment of the man who’s supposed to be teaching them about journalism, somehow?

Post Content

The Lockhorns, 8/7/19

I gotta say, I kind of respect the way today’s Lockhorns is bleak and depressing in a somewhat different register from the typical bleak and depressing scenarios it dishes out. Loretta stares heavy-lidded at the formless, off-yellow square she’s been knitting seemingly forever now. What is it? Why is she doing it? Does she have any goal in mind? Does she derive any pleasure from it, or conversely, would it make her even sadder to stop? None of these are questions she has answers for. She’s just knitting to pass the time. Leroy, crumple-mouthed, has a brief and unaccustomed flash of sympathy for his wife. He’d like to help soothe whatever formless emotion compels Loretta to keep knitting, but he knows that the emotional gulf between them is far too vast, now, and has been for years.

Mary Worth, 8/7/19

So far the Dawn-Hugo storyline has been relatively free from conflict, except for the fact that Hugo is kind of an asshole. Now we see the real engine for the summer’s drama unfolding: Hugo is eventually going to have to … go back to France! You know, if Hugo’s return to his homeland corresponds the point in the relationship where his assholitude starts to outweigh his hotness, these are two conflicts that could really cancel each other out and save everyone involved a whole lot of trouble.

Judge Parker, 8/7/19

Honestly, this would be a much more dramatic development if it were remotely possible to tell the icy, violent blondes of Judge Parker apart. That’s … not April, right? Probably Sam would recognize her, if she were April?

Post Content

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/3/19

Rex is, it goes without saying, going to eventually do some kind of intervention here and try to get Serena the Chemtrail Healer shut down and is probably going to be a real smug prick about it in the process, but we all see that contemplative chin scratch in panel one, right? That’s a man thinking about the lucrative future of telemedicine, as well as the ancillary revenues that can be generated by various Rex Morgan-branded media products. Of course, Rex’s offerings would all be in line with accepted medical procedures — you know, more or less. The point is that he’ll be getting paid and won’t have to deal with seeing or smelling his patients, and that’s the important thing.

Judge Parker, 7/3/19

“Randy, no … Randy, you’re a judge. You’re Judge Parker. You’re a respected jurist and you’re rich as hell. Get it together, man.”