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Between Friends, 5/5/17

Susan looks at death and disappointment the same way as Lillian from Crankshaft, and fears an afterlife tormented by regret. Her funeral director husband Harv sees death every day, and has abandoned such romantic notions. Is there anything grimmer than Canadians in despair?

[Psst … panel 4 — “don’t want to be”?]

Blondie, 5/5/17

Dithers knows that on any food-themed holiday he must abandon any pretense of running the firm that bears his name.

Somebody tell that guy in the middle that his pet monkey is up to no good again.

Judge Parker, 5/5/17

Good call, Sam, lawyer to the last — challenge Lieutenant Snouty there; explain things to him; tell him what to do. Or, if you sincerely want S.W.A.T. to back the hell off, repeat after me: “BOMB!”. Nouns are your friend, Sam.

Mary Worth, 5/5/17

Yes you should, Esme! He’s a) gorgeous, b) dark-haired, and c) a hunk! Also, d) a challenge! You want him — and you know you can have him! Most of all, we Mary Worth readers deserve some entertainment, and you are an Entertainer! You guys swear an oath or something, right? Well get on it girl, we are dying out here.

Crankshaft, 5/5/17

The week grinds on, the jokes wear thin, and attention wanes. “Exactly”? WTF, “exactly”?

Exactly.

–Uncle Lumpy

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Judge Parker, 4/15/17

So Sam and Honey Ballenger’s armed, aggrieved, kicked-off-the-police-force-for-his-various-personality-problems dad are heading over to the Buttresses kidnap compound and right into her cunning trap, I think, but I wanted to share with you today’s high comedy: Officer Ballenger (Involuntarily Ret.) bashes in a window with his rifle butt, reaches through the broken glass to try to open the door, gets an owie, fails to open the door, withdraws his arm (presumably causing more owies) then starts yelling and trying to kick in a door that, from the look of it, opens outward. Good revenge skulking, guys! A+++!

Mary Worth, 4/15/17

Hey, remember a couple of days ago, when Mary decided to take a short break from her walk and try out one of these “chairs” that are all the rage? Well, she’s now fully committed to the sitting lifestyle and has no intention of ceasing to sit any time soon! Toby might be line dancing by the pool later, and maybe the Hoosiers will see her there, but they won’t see Mary anywhere but in this chair, where she’s going to be staying indefinitely. Remember how there was vague talk of going to see how they make the folded towel animals? Well, fuck that. Chair.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/15/17

In honor of the risen Christ, Snuffy has briefly stopped robbing his neighbors and started … robbing stores, I guess.

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Judge Parker, 4/1/17

So Honey Ballenger’s dad has invited Sam over to the kidnap compound and is going to shoot him with a shotgun, probably for being a rich jerk whose kid was the reason his got briefly kidnapped or something. I like how the subtle details let us know he’s a crazed maniac: what sort of lunatic just has a VHS tape labelled “NFL PLAYOFFS”? Does re-record over it every year? Or does he just endlessly rewatch the Patriots-Jaguars first-round game from January 2006, the last one played before the record function on his VCR broke?

Blondie, 4/1/17

[I take a long drag from a cigarette]

Now, Cathy’s mother-in-law tried to sell hers at a yard sale, back in ’09, but the real heyday was three years before that. Curtis wanted a pair. A plugger threw ’em out by accident. At least one of the Chix thought they were a joke. And Al Scaduto — God, I miss Al Scaduto — Al Scaduto though you’d wear ’em at a “hobo gathering,” and that might not be what you call “politically correct” but you can’t deny it hits the nail on the head.

[I take another drag, then laugh a laugh that devolves into coughing]

Well, sorry to go on like that, stranger! It’s just, you come around here, and you say “predistressed jeans,” and–

[I look out over the rail of the porch, towards the distant horizon]

–well, I haven’t heard that name in years.