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Judge Parker, 2/17/16

A subplot of the Derek-Sophie storyline that I haven’t been dwelling on because I’ve been super not into it has been “Oh no! Derek wants to do sex stuff!” I’m actually pretty glad that today’s strip acknowledges that, you know, teenage girls also have sexual desires! I’m also glad to see that despite her transformation from a bullied nerd into a popular cheerleader with a hot boyfriend, Sophie is still the family intellectual, unleashing her brilliant “You know, this roadie business is the only thing preventing me and Derek fucking non-stop” strategy that will keep her parents befuddled.

Gil Thorp, 2/17/16

Speaking of young love, Amazonian rugby-star-turned-basketball-goon Kenzie Hanley and former placebo abuser Max Bacon are totally an item now, everybody! Mainly I’m posting this to point out that exaggerated mid-conversation “time out” gestures are exactly what I’d expect from the amiable athlete-dorks of Milford.

Crankshaft, 2/17/16

This is kind of delightful on its own, but if you want an explanation, it’s a follow up to this strip; apparently Max intended to send his mom a pic of himself in the tub as an E-Valentine (ew?), and got mixed up. Anyway, I want to point out that the fact that he’s inexplicably clean-shaven in panel one, combined with his pinched facial expression in panel two, makes it look like he’s pooping a little beard out of his chin.

Pluggers, 2/17/16

Pluggers know that, the way they eat, they’re gonna be dead in five years, ten tops, so who really gives a shit, you know?

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Mary Worth, 2/11/16

Obviously my number one version of this storyline involves Olive watching Mary reject old suitors, but it just keeps going and going and I’m willing to follow it, at this point. So will this turn into some kind of pseudo-Socratic dialogue in which the young and inexperienced Olive advocates for total freedom, while Mary patiently explains that only the strong hand of a Philosopher-Queen can impose the rigid order and structure that our species needs to survive, and that perhaps Olive, with her special tummy-brain powers, can be that queen? If so, I’m here for that!

Spider-Man, 2/11/16

“Haha, look, you’re lucky you’re not all dead, OK? Who could stop Namor? Certainly not me! I’m Spider-Man, and people talk a lot about the proportional strength of a spider, but how strong is that, really? Here’s a hint: not very strong! Have you ever stepped on a spider? Ever noticed that it used its amazing spider-strength to lift up your shoe and save itself? Of course not! Because it can’t! It’s tiny and feeble, just like me! Welp, off to fail at superheroics somewhere else!” [flies skyward crotch-first]

Judge Parker, 2/11/16

“You’ve been in this band for several days now, so why are you not already making all the decisions and reaping all the profits? Do they not know that you’re a Spencer-Driver and never have to prove yourself to anyone at any time? HOW DARE THEY”

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Hi and Lois, 1/28/16

“Why can’t we ever have a sleepover?” Trixie thinks. “Why can’t the sun remain forever in the sky, quickly warming our side of the globe beyond the ability of any life to survive, until the seas boil and the air burns away, while the other hemisphere is locked into eternal, icy night?” Fortunately, she isn’t one of those babies who have God-like powers to control time and space with her mind. She can just form adult sentences and concepts but can’t verbalize or act on them, so we really dodged a bullet here.

Judge Parker, 1/28/16

You know, I poke a lot of fun at the Spence-Drivers for their vast wealth and privilege, but let it never be said that they don’t deal with hardships! For instance, Abby spends so much time on her vast, lucrative farm that she’s no longer physically capable of smelling horse shit. Give Sam a few months in his new home office and his nose will be similarly damaged!

Marvin, 1/28/16

Meanwhile, Marvin’s friends, in defiance of all medical logic, are still fully able to experience the toxic miasma that surrounds him at all times. Today, though, the cold weather has caused whatever foul brew is in his diapers to freeze solid. This seems like it would be bad for him, health-wise, so it’s a good thing I don’t care about his well-being.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/28/16

“So you see, honey, I get to decide who lives and who dies and I have an excuse to ignore you while we eat. It’s what grownups call a ‘win-win.'”