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Funky Winkerbean, 12/6/15

As is the case in many societies, the economic and spiritual malaise that lies over Westview can be traced back to its education system. For instance, when a science teacher urges his students to “put on [their] thinking caps,” you’d think he was about to challenge them to use their knowledge of the scientific method to solve some problem or test a hypothesis. But at Westview High, this is just a prelude to a rambling punny joke-style utterance that might, if they’re lucky, teach them the Latin name of a constellation, a datum that at best you could call science-adjacent. The students look on in dumb incomprehension, which is a good preparation for their life in the Funkyverse, which will mostly consist of abuse structured as terrible unfunny wordplay.

Judge Parker, 12/6/15

You might be thinking, “The Spencer-Drivers are almost unimaginably rich. Isn’t it kind of unseemly for them to rush to cash this check, considering the solid possibility that Neddy is going to destroy the RV before delivering it to its purchaser?” Well, the joke’s on you and your bourgeois morality. How do you think the Spencer-Drivers got to be unimaginably rich? It certainly wasn’t by not cashing checks.

Marvin, 12/6/15

Kudos to Marvin for getting through a whole Sunday comic without a reference to urine or feces, I guess, but I have to say I find Jeff’s dead-eyed explanation of why dogs like nose-rubs pretty off-putting. It’s just because they have big noses, OK? There’s no pleasure to be had from rubbing the nose of your beloved pet. Any sense of bonding or connection you get from the process is false. It’s a simple physical reaction to an immutable physical fact. I kind of wish this strip was about Marvin shitting, honestly. At least Marvin enjoys shitting.

Spider-Man, 12/16/15

Backed into a corner and unsure how to respond, Peter Parker reacts like the hero he is: by slamming his head into JJJ’s computer until he can induce blessed unconsciousness.

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Beetle Bailey, 11/29/15

Usually Saturday is the day Beetle Bailey sets aside for strips about the Halftracks’ awful, loveless marriage, but you have to really give the creative team kudos for using the full scope of a Sunday strip to hammer home how truly hellish this relationship is. My favorite part is the topical shift as we move from the second to the third tier of panels: sure, the General’s marriage is explicitly acknowledged as a prison, but his supposed hobby, the sort of thing one usually engages in for enjoyment, is also a punishment. The only solution is to numb the body and mind with alcohol! Anyway, I know there’s a lot of awful things happening in the world right now, but I honestly think this strip should be in the running for The Grimmest Shit In The Newspaper Today.

Panels from Slylock Fox, 11/29/15

In the top panel, the abruptly Awoken animals are using their newfound sapience to try to come to an understanding with the humans, to create a new, balanced form of existence in which all species can live in harmony. In the bottom panel, the animals are merely establishing an insincere truce under which they will gather their strength for the inevitable violent uprising that will wipe humanity from the planet. I don’t really think the other five differences matter all that much.

Judge Parker, 11/29/15

Years ago, back when Sophie was prepubescent weirdo savant rather than an alpha-cheerleader mean girl, she cheerfully admitted to spying on Neddy while she was doing “that tongue thing” with some now long-forgotten boy. Voyeuristically keeping tabs on Neddy’s sex life is a Spencer-Driver family value, is what I’m trying to say.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/29/15

Long story short, Cayla, the answer to your initial question is “not well.”

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Gasoline Alley, 11/24/15

“The turkey — ’cause it’s had all its organs removed and replaced with bread crumbs! Gobble! Gobble! I’m a walking corpse! Gobble! Gobble!” [audience continues roaring with laughter]

Judge Parker, 11/24/15

I’ve never read the Fountainhead, but this is pretty much what I imagine all the sex scenes are like.

Archie, 11/24/15

Oh, do you think these Archie newspaper comics are just endlessly recycled reruns from the 1990s? Well, what about the dead-eyed teen girl in panel three with the current year on her shirt, huh? Checkmate, doubter!