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Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/19/22

Well, it looks like Rex has only one chance to stave off total financial annihilation in the Case Of The Intellectual Property Violation That Sarah Definitely Did: get Kelly, who served as Sarah’s minder when Sarah first saw the adorable characters she later viciously stole, to lie on the stand about it. The problem: that’s a job for sassy, give-no-fucks Kelly, not dull, goody-goody narc Kelly, but part of giving no fucks means not bothering to go spend a day in a boring-ass courtroom to help anyone else. Rex needs to thread the needle to achieve the perfect balance between the Kelly’s yin and yang, but what looks like the beginning of an eye roll in panel two seems to say that she’s already slipping out of his grasp.

The Lockhorns, 1/19/22

Oh, by the way, it seems that Leroy Lockhorn has finally figured out how to escape his nagging wife: by uploading his mind to the Internet and becoming a being of pure thought. And you know what? Good for him.

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 12/19/21

I initially assumed the solution to this mystery would be animal fact based: bears really do eat salmon and raccoons really do eat lobsters, so the wolf would only get theatrically excited about oysters as part of his criminal middleman routine. But the “strongest alibi” bit truly gets into the Orwellian mindfuck that is life in Slylock’s Forest Kingdom, where you can be immediately found guilty not despite the fact that you have the most evidence pointing to your innocence but because of it! Please do not dwell on the litany of horrors Sly subjected this poor wolf to in order to “convince” him to confess, this is a comic for children.

Panel from The Lockhorns, 12/19/21

Yeah, man, my wife does too? I think think it’s pretty normal for your partner to generally be aware of when you’re in bed, to be honest. Come on, Leroy, this one is a stretch. I am intrigued by the lady who’s just discovered an outlet for her “jolly old elf” fetish, however.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/19/21

I think this is a pretty good look at who would watch this livestream and feel vaguely bad about their contribution to the feeding frenzy over “Cynthia Ivy”‘s real identity: basically normal looking kids and extremely dweeby adults.

Panel from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/19/21

TIRED: Saying “Happy Holidays” is offensive to Real Americans because it diminishes the unique religious importance of Christmas

WIRED: Saying “Happy Holidays” is offensive to Real Americans because it reminds us of Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, a strip created by liberal coastal elitists specifically to make fun of the rural poor

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The Lockhorns, 12/3/21

That’s right, Leroy! Loretta is old enough to remember the golden age of online discourse, when people wrote long essays about culture, politics, and current affairs on their LiveJournal and thoughtfully engaged in robust discussion in comments. Leroy has moved on to the brave new world where he just quote-retweets an article with a biting “LOL,” but Loretta has never given up on the dream of the first broad flowering of the Internet as a tool for social betterment. Keep blogging, Loretta! Don’t let them get you down!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/3/21

Like all Snuffy Smith trufans, the question that keeps me up at night is “What makes Snuffy tick?” Specifically, what is it that might motivate him to exert himself to make an honest contribution to his own well-being and that of his family? Is it the chance to improve his social and economic position to get out of the impoverished Hootin’ Holler? Clearly not. Is it a worry that by constantly stealing chickens and cheating at cards and overfishing the local lake, he survives only as a parasite of his own community? Nope. Could he be convinced to change his ways by basic human affection? Today, we learn: no, not that either.