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The Lockhorns, 6/25/20

Yes, Leroy is absolutely the sort of guy who would get involved in some high-anger, low-stakes battle on Reddit in the wee hours of the morning, and Loretta is absolutely the sort of woman who would check up on her husband’s Reddit account to find out what cyber-bullshit he’s been up to that she could make fun of. This was almost a Lockhorns panel that was true to its characters and also accurate about a fairly contemporary aspect of online life. Fortunately, just so as not to completely flabbergast everyone by pulling that off, the panel also includes the sentence “I see where you were a Reddit thread,” which is either a typo or a confession of not actually understanding what Reddit is or how it works, thus restoring balance to the universe.

Dennis the Menace, 6/25/20

At age five, Dennis is already falling prey to obsessive and unrealistic body image standards! The true menace is society.

Six Chix, 6/25/20

Oh man, see that lady there in the foreground? I hear her casseroles are devastating. That’s … a joke? I guess?

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Mark Trail, 6/22/20

Just because life is a rich tapestry, the whole Funky Winkerbean plotline where they’re making a movie about material we’ve already seen in earlier comics never fails to send me into an absolute rage, whereas I am very excited about this upcoming Mark Trail plotline, in which some hot-shot movie producers (having communicated with the IP rights holders via a message sent in a manila envelope, like you do) want to make a movie about an adventure Mark had back in 2015 and 2016! You remember this thrilling tale of white nose syndrome and human trafficking, don’t you? It started with Mark talking bat illness with an amiable academic, and then brushed up against some human traffickers out there in the desert, who dynamited them into a cave, where they were trapped for month after month after interminable month, until they managed to swim out. This all has “third act problems,” as they say in the biz, but I’m sure the geniuses at the Hollywood dream factory will smooth it all out, and because Mark isn’t a whiny little pissbaby like Les Moore, instead of lurking around the set fuming with his arms crossed not talking to anybody, he’ll just say “The movie business sure is interesting, Rusty!” and cash his option check.

Crankshaft, 6/22/20

Speaking of Funky Winkerbean, we all know that Funky Winkerbean is ten years in the future from Crankshaft, but the fact that autonomous cars are cruising through residential Ohio neighborhoods in Crankshaft indicates that Crankshaft is several years in the future from us. So the good news is that Mason is trying to put together funding to make Lisa’s Story: The Movie just as the entire movie industry is about to finally collapse because everyone is just watching short homemade porn clips on their phone for entertainment now.

The Phantom, 6/22/20

Sorry that I haven’t been keeping you up to date on The Phantom, and I’m not really going to bother catching you up now, but I do want let you know that a flaming skeleton has been berating our hero for like a whole week now and it’s been glorious.

The Lockhorns, 6/22/20

OH MY GOD THAT MUTANT OPERA SINGER IS AT LEAST 40 FEET TALL

RUN, LEROY AND LORETTA, RUN

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Crankshaft, 6/14/20

Ha ha! It’s funny because Crankshaft is an old man who has to pee a bunch in the middle of the night!

Blondie, 6/14/20

Ha ha! It’s funny because … Cookie has more than one ex-boyfriend? Or maybe because a teen is trying to reach another teen by calling a landline number? Is that the joke?

Panel from The Lockhorns, 6/14/20

How can that car be such an uncomfortable fit for you two, neither of you is more than three feet tall