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Archie, 9/28/12

Rarely have I ever wanted to know more about the backstory to a two-panel Archie newspaper comic rerun from the mid-to-late ’90s than I do today. Based on this snooty waiter’s fancy outfit, I’m assuming our Riverdale teens have decided to skip Pop’s today and instead test their culinary palette at some upscale dining establishment. (They’re clearly so used to eating at the diner counter that they’ve gathered awkwardly on one side of the table.) But why? And now that they’re here, do they feel underdressed or otherwise class-anxious, or are they oblivious to the socioeconomic factors at play? And then of course there’s the question of whether Chez Elitist has a fancy-food buffet at fancy-food prices, or if the waiter is just attempting to get Archie and the gang to finally feel shame by shoving their proletarian desires to gorge themselves in their faces, hoping they’ll slink out without further embarrassing the swells.

Apartment 3-G, 9/28/12

I’m really sorry I didn’t discuss yesterday’s Apartment 3-G, in which Lu Ann spent a languorous bubble bath thinking about her date with Greg, because if I had I’d have more context for talking about how very rapidly this strip is turning into a porno — specifically, if Evan’s stiff, awkward posture is any indication, a porno acted out entirely by Barbie and Ken dolls wearing the least interesting outfits that Mattel sells.

Family Circus, 9/28/12

“I glad God hasn’t disappeared in a puff of my own doubts yet, leaving me bereft of moral purpose and unable to come up with any course of action beyond one that indulges my most immediate and basest desires!”

Luann, 9/28/12

Guys, what do you suppose it’s like, spending time and effort to draw a sexy teenage girl, lavishing loving detail on her revealing clothes and her cleavage and crotch, then creating a storyline for her that aims to prove that she deserves ill treatment because of the sexy way you drew her? Probably pretty exhausting, right?

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Mary Worth, 9/16/12

The “Dawn gets dumped and mopes and goes to Italy and is in a shipwreck but is rescued” storyline sure has had a lot of twists and turns and so far, but now we are truly seeing the 100% amazing payoff: Dawn is comparing an admittedly traumatic incident from which she emerged completely unscathed physically with a traumatic incident in which a young man whom she just met lost an arm. Her adventures over the past few weeks sure have provided her with some much-needed perspective about her troubles! Nevertheless, we already know that this will somehow work as a pickup technique, since an epigram from Anaïs Nin surely portends incipient sexytimes.

Mark Trail, 9/16/12

Mark, for a so-called naturalist, you have some funny ideas about our relationship with phylum Arthopoda! Nature is a rich, vibrant tapestry, and the idea that humans and spiders are allies in some kind of “war” against insects is simplistic and reductive. No, clearly both spiders and insects are mankind’s implacable enemies, seeing as they are gross disgusting creepy-crawlies; but their mutual hostility is a boon to us, and we must pit each against each other in order to keep both groups weak. A spider-insect alliance, particularly one with support from their centipede and millipede relatives, would surely overwhelm us, so must surreptitiously encourage intra-arthropod hostility at all costs.

Hi and Lois, 9/16/12

The most disturbing thing about Trixie’s school fantasy is that she apparently assumes that by the time she’s of school age there will be two of her. This may be the way her infant mind processes the existence of her twin siblings — perhaps she believes that Dot and Ditto were born as a single person but then split into two before the age of five. On the other hand, Trixie also seems to believe that she’ll be reading Tolstoy in kindergarten, which shows a certain degree of intellectual precocity.

Panels from Slylock Fox, 9/16/12

I love how upset the two construction workers at the bottom left of today’s Six Differences look. “Noooo, what are you doing? Your blundering, amateurish excavation techniques are ruining the integrity of the dig site! This is a priceless paleontological find, but we’re losing so much data as you drag the fossils out of the ground willy-nilly!”

Luann, 9/16/12

Mr. Fogarty would gladly give up the burdens of sentience if doing so meant that he’d never have to deal with any of the morons in this strip ever again.

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Luann, 8/27/12

Good morning, everyone! I’ve returned from my week-long comics-mocking sabbatical, and what better way to jump right back into the icy waters three-panel laffs than today’s Luann? Yes, Brad DeGroot has at last come into his own, lounging about in his tough-guy tank top, showing off his biceps and his fire department tattoo, running a comb through his greasy hair. The effect is somewhat undermined in panel one because that tank top looks long enough to be a cocktail dress, but still, let’s let him have his moment.

Momma, 8/27/12

Now let’s swim into full-on horror by moving on to Momma! Today’s strip is fantastic because just when you settle into a nice bit of disgust at the phrase “seeing some other mother,” you realize Francis is emitting audible groans of satisfaction and you want desperately to return to a world where the worst you had to deal with was a little light Oedipal humor.

Blondie, 8/27/12

Dagwood’s look of befuddlement shows that there can still be surprises in a marriage that’s lasted more than 80 years, and that those surprises are terrifying. “Wait a minute,” he seems to be thinking, “I’m the one in this marriage who goes on ‘wacky’ food binges in a doomed attempt to fill the yawning emptiness inside me. If that’s not my role anymore, then what am I?”

Hagar the Horrible, 8/27/12

In an example of the meticulous attention to detail that has made Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC famous, the irony in Hagar’s statement is driven home by the blasted, barren landscape his savage warriors trudge across, all the crops having been burned during the course of his band’s predatory raid.

Crankshaft, 8/27/12

Oh, goody, there have been 25 years of Crankshaft, so we will now be treated to some Crankshaft flashbacks! Nobody, not even Crankshaft himself, thinks this is a good idea.

Pluggers, 8/27/12

Hey, all you fancy-pants city folks with your computers! A little girl can’t sit on the dog-goned Internet, now can she? Check and mate!