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Mark Trail, 6/9/17

Oh, man, I haven’t kept you up to date on Mark’s Kidnap Adventure, huh? Well, that’s because literally nothing has happened except for Johnny getting a little too far ahead of the group for Bald Kidnapper Guy’s comfort, but now we know that our heroes are going to triumph through the power of … trick riding! Pretty sexy, eh? Trick riding? That’s a sexy thing? [looks it up on Wikipedia] Oh, it’s just business about riding a horse in a fancy way, never mind.

Mary Worth, 6/9/17

Meanwhile, Katie and Derek are having a big blowout argument — the sexy kind, the kind that stirs the passions and reaches a climax when anger turns to lust and [squints and looks more closely at strip] nope, nope, never mind, this is the kind of argument that erects a wall of emotional distrust between two people and it’s hard to ever come back from it to a loving, intimate relationship, forget I said anything.

Phantom, 6/9/17

Fine, here’s an actual sexy soap opera strip. Yes, it’s doing a particularly weird version of the thing where if the readers at home glimpse the Phantom’s eyeballs, we’ll all die, but just … there are pecs, OK? Large, sexy, hairy pecs. And underboob shadow! Something for everyone!

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Mark Trail, 5/19/17

Oh, hey, what’s up with Mark’s whole kidnap situation? Well, he and the bald kidnapper and the blonde kidnappee arrived at Johnny Lone Elk’s log cabin on the reservation, and Mark has been forced to give some weird story about how these total strangers are his new “camera crew,” and all the Lone Elk clan can do about it is joke about the bald dude. Ha ha! It’s funny because this lady’s entirely correct suspicions are being dismissed! I admit to being impressed by their casual use of the correct term for a fear of baldness, especially since they all have such amazing hair that surely they harbor no such fear themselves.

Mary Worth, 5/19/17

Oh, man, I guess Derek is just going to rescue Katie from her bathroom prison? And maybe this moment of panic and fear will bring them closer together, rather than driving them apart, as sinister, sensuous Entertainer Esmé hoped? This is seriously disappointing to me. Esmé had better have some more homewrecking plans up her conspicuous lack of sleeves!

Blondie, 5/19/17

Pretty sure “what kind of sandwich?” generated my first character-driven laugh from Blondie in more than a decade, kudos all around!

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The Lockhorns, 5/13/17

You know how it works: with worms, you catch a little fish. With a fish, you catch a much, much bigger fish. One big enough to swallow you whole, you and your entire boat, and end your hated life with your hated spouse forever. Look at Leroy’s faraway smile, just thinking about how death, blessed death, will finally come for him, deep in a friendly fish’s warm, snug belly.

Mark Trail, 5/13/17

Oh, hey, uh, are these guys still talking? Apparently! The hairlines are continuing to retreat at a rapid pace. Look at the dude in panel one! He’s just got a hair island left in the middle of his head! For a gruff cop, that is an extremely avant-garde hairstyle.

Mary Worth, 5/13/17

OH MY GOD IT REALLY WAS A TRAP

AND NOW KATIE’S BEEN LEFT TO DIE IN A FILTHY ACTUALLY PRETTY CLEAN HAITIAN BATHROOM

LEAVING ENTERTAINER ESMÉ FREE TO SEDUCE DEREK, AND THEN SMOKE CIGARETTES WITH HIM AFTERWARDS

THIS IS AMAZING