Post Content

Pluggers, 1/14/16

I’m not sure what the context would be for anyone, even this plugger, to buy a new DVD player in the year 2016 — maybe he finally put in a disc into the old one when there was already one in there one too many times — but I do like the way the letters seems wobbly in his word balloon, really conveying his sense of desperation. “Please, son, you gotta tell me how to hook this thing up. I got all these old westerns and All In The Family episodes, I already switched from VCR tapes to these discs, I’m not switching to iTunes or whatever they have now. I don’t even know what an iTunes looks like! That neighbor kid who used to do my computer stuff won’t talk to me because I put too many politics memes on his Facebook wall! You gotta help me!”

Mark Trail, 1/14/16

Haha, is it a good idea, Gabe? Is it an idea you in fact suggested to him literally two sentences earlier in this very conversation? How dumb do you think we are exactly, Gabe?

Wizard of Id, 1/14/16

Oh, hey, let’s check in with the Wizard of Id! What’s going on over there? Oh, they’ve introduced a new character? And he’s a muscular, hornèd demon from the depths of hell? And the human ladies want to have sex with him? Let’s never check in with the Wizard of Id again.

Post Content

Mark Trail, 1/13/16

Gabe, I’m sure you’re a very distinguished chiropterologist, and your skill at delicately plucking bats off of cave walls is unsurpassed, but you don’t know anything about selling magazines, OK? If America’s magazine-reading public (mostly airline passengers and people who accidentally clicked the “auto-renew” box on Magazines.com six years ago) see a big story in Woods and Wildlife about a healthy bat colony, they’re not going to think “Oh no! We need to act now to fight white-nose syndrome, probably by allocating millions of tax dollars to whatever university has Gabe on the faculty!” No, they’re gonna think “Wow, look at all those plump, healthy bats. Plenty more where those came from. Bet we could eat ’em, or mine ’em for coal, somehow.” If you want to move hearts, you need to show some full-on bat devastation. I dearly hope this plot climaxes with Mark carefully calibrating his punches to only stun the bats for the photographer, who then daintily daubs talcum powder on their noses for a heartrending but entirely fraudulent cover shoot.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/13/16

At one point in Alan Moore’s Watchman comics series, the psychopathic vigilante Rorschach is captured and arrested. Physically slight, he’s hassled on his first day in prison, but swiftly and brutally ends his first fight by grabbing a pan of hot grease from the cafeteria line and dousing his attacker’s face, leaving him screaming in agony. As the other prisoners look on in horror, he growls his most memorable line: “I’m not locked up in here with you. You’re locked up in here with me!” I just thought of that when reading this strip, probably for no particular reason.

Gil Thorp, 1/13/16

Gil Thorp’s basketball season plot has been snoresville so far, but is it about to involve some mid-game pantsing? I could get behind a rash of tit-for-tat pantsing leading to a new record for technical fouls in the Valley Conference.

Judge Parker, 1/13/16

Sorry, American “linguist”! You’ve no doubt done seen and done awful things in the name of protecting your country from the shadows, but Katherine wants that step-grandchild real bad, so it looks like you’ll be dying alone in a Serb prison!

Post Content

Happy 2016, everyone! As is my tradition, I begin the new year by catching everyone up on the week’s worth of comics that I skipped while travelling, because I am nothing if not servicey. It’s good to have traditions this time of year!

Gil Thorp, 12/25/15

The Thorps have this tradition where they pose for a Christmas card, and try very strenuously to pretend that they never had hideous children, no sir, it’s always just been the two of them, those ugly little twerps certainly aren’t buried under the backyard shed right now, why would you even think that.

Mark Trail, 12/25/15

People have all sorts of holiday traditions! A cab driver told me yesterday his family always buys new green underwear to wear on New Years for good luck! Other people like to gently pick bats off of cave walls on Christmas morning! Life is a rich tapestry!

Gasoline Alley, 12/26/15

At least this holiday season settled an age-old question: is there a loving God? Clearly not, because if there were, He would not allow this endless, insanely tedious scrapbooking storyline to continue.

Curtis, 12/26/15

BUT WAIT! A KWANZAA STORYLINE IN CURTIS! Except … it doesn’t take place in some mythical African setting but instead stars an ordinary teen with fairly standard aspirations in the contemporary United States? This offers very little opportunity for, say, bat-winged bears or giant telepathic otters, so, nope, life is still terrible.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/29/15

Sarah’s plan to skip the first grade by marching into her new school, waving her horsey drawings around over her head and shouting “I’m an artist, damn it! An artist! I know how to feed myself!” should be extremely hilarious to watch.

Gasoline Alley, 12/30/15

Nnngghhnnggghghgh, this is still happening??? Here’s some sad news, Boog: forget a hundred years from now, we stopped caring about you weeks ago.

Curtis, 12/30/15

GOD DAMN IT, KWANZAA IS ABOUT WEIRD GIANT MONSTERS, IT ISN’T ABOUT SOCIAL MEDIA AND VIRAL VIDEOS, THIS IS EVEN WORSE THAN NO KWANZAA STORY AT ALL

Gil Thorp, 12/31/15

On the other hand, I do like Gil Thorp plots that revolve around social media and viral videos! Remember when Gil got hit on the head with a baseball and YouTube went nuts for it? Remember when the kids read about sexting in Time and Newsweek and decided they wanted in? Anyway, this year it seems that Coach Mrs. Coach Thorp was about to cut a gal from the basketball team but then saw that she had written something vaguely team spirit-y on her Facebook, so now she’s in! This will no doubt lead to an escalating war of all the kids posting inspirational memes and such in an attempt to keep in their coach’s good graces.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/31/15

In case you’re wondering, New Years Eve in the Funkyverse combines the gloom of the Funkyverse with the gloom of New Years Eve in real life!

Mark Trail, 12/31/15

What better way to end 2015 than with some hot Trailian beefcake?

Mary Worth, 1/2/16

And what better way to start 2016 than with some hot Worthian sanctimony? Remember, it’s not mandatory that you make New Year’s Resolutions, but if you do, why not resolve to be more like Mary? EVERYONE SHOULD BE MORE LIKE MARY.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/3/16

Haha, remember the terrible joke in this strip? Did you want another version of it? Well, too bad, here it is! 2016 is going to be great!

Anyway, I’m back to regular daily blogging tomorrow. But now is the time to vote in the annual Worthy Awards, the hilarious best-of-the-year awards from Wanders and the Mary Worth And Me blog. Will Terry Bryson win Best Costume Design for her Mod Squad outfit? Will Mary’s Pretty Big Computer-Like Thing win for Best Set Decoration? Democracy only works if you vote!

And, finally, remember, you can buy my novel, now and forever. I’m enthusiastic about 2016! (See what I did there?)