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Mary Worth, 4/27/15

Mary gleefully explains love using the familiar language of commerce: “There are no guarantees, so how about a trial period? You could check out lots of free samples — and before you commit, be sure to line up all the coupons and rebates you can. Maybe you could even negotiate a discount for that bum leg. Under the circumstances, you should probably spring for the service contract. There are also some really good deals to be found when you buy in bulk — does Adam have any brothers? Check out the accessories, but don’t let anybody sell you something you don’t need — I know from my experience with Dr. Jeff that the rustproofing is a ripoff. And remember to shop around, including online. And don’t rule out barter! Say, what does Yelp have to say about this guy?”

Mark Trail, 4/27/15

OK, how much does everybody love hapless, never-to-be-married Wally Wood? Seriously, this guy couldn’t buy a hap at World of Haps Outlet Store on Presidents Day. Maybe Mark Trail will spin off The Trials of Wally Wood to compete in the coveted “misery porn” bracket now dominated by Funky Winkerbean, featuring guest appearances by Mark to get things rolling:

Mother Goose and Grimm, 4/27/15

And the comic strip makes three. Or maybe they just killed the wrong dog.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Slylock Fox (panel), 4/26/15

Slylock ditches his jet in an African zoo and is completely baffled. Max has more immediate concerns.

Gasoline Alley (panel), 4/26/15

Walt is now at least 115 years old. Statistically, the number of people who die at that age is vanishingly small — and actually declines with further increases in age! So whether he’s ready or not, we’re likely to have Walt around for a long, long, time.

Mark Trail (panel), 4/26/15

Again with the bugs! If these plagues keep up, we’ll be lucky to make it until Josh gets back on Wednesday.

Say, I’m no etymologist, but wouldn’t you have to release one hell of a lot of sterile males to compete with the wild ones? I thought there also had to be some selection bias toward the sterile males, like unusually firm probosci, or they secrete Hai Karate or something. Unless somebody can look up the answer by Wednesday, we’ll never know.

Rex Morgan, M.D. (panel), 4/26/15

Yeah, Sarah, this is the part about you being a kid that nobody else likes, either.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Gil Thorp, 4/24/15

Don’t worry — Gil hasn’t squeezed all the air out of that blonde in the pink outfit and glasses; they’re actually two separate people. The one on the left is an Athletic Department admin, currently down in HR filling out a sexual harassment complaint. The one on the right is Marjie Ducey, the local newspaper sports reporter who shows up when the strip needs to unload some exposition.

So Wednesday night Aunt Lumpy and I were watching our beloved local major-league baseball team squeak out a win over their hated rival from the detestable Southern Part of the State, a team whose name is literally synonymous with evasion and cowardice. Watching a slow-motion replay of our heroic pitcher’s delivery, Aunt Lumpy wondered aloud “how do these guys not hurt themselves every game?” Now comes Gil Thorp, who is putting True Standish in as pitcher. You remember True Standish — the phenomenal nationally-ranked quarterback who has a scholarship lock at any college he chooses? The guy who led the Mudlarks to their first state championship since the Pleistocene? Accident-prone True Standish?

True to form, Gil cannot find a way to care about the kid’s welfare or future — his mind is all on wrapping up this interview and rushing over to his chiropractor’s office.

Mark Trail, 4/24/15

Wallace Wood “just wants one good year selling his lumber” so he can ask Susan to marry him. But ha ha, Nature hates Wally, and is determined to ruin his life. Parasitoids got the emerald ash borers under control? No problem, we’ll burn his trees to the ground. Fire goes out? No problem, we’ll get those beavers to put his land under water. Breach in the dam? Ha! That wolf will just stone-cold attack and eat Wally. Wally escapes the wolf? No prob, we’ve got a moose around here somewhere.

Find yourself a nice city fella, Susan.

Sherman’s Lagoon, 4/24/15

OK OK OK so Team Sherman here narrowly beat Paul Allen’s sub to sunken WWII battleship Musashi. They found the keys still in the ignition, and it started right up! But Allen’s research vessel, incomprehensibly armed, is closing in fast.

Allen, of course, owns the Seattle Seahawks, hated rival of our beloved local National Football League team, so I’m kinda hoping maybe the Musashi’s guns work, too? Is that so wrong?

Just a reminder that there is no Comment of the Week when I sit in — Enlong’s gem gets to ride up top a little longer.

–Uncle Lumpy