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Mark Trail, 10/26/13

Well! We’ve had exciting Mark Trail denouements before, but I’m pretty sure none of them are more exciting than a villain being driven over a cliff to his death by a wounded, suicidal elk. I guess the Mark Trail storytelling machine caught wind of the outpouring of recognition Mary Worth got when that strip sent a plotline’s antagonist over a cliff and lurched into action, coming up with its own death-plummet climax a mere seven years later.

The one you feel really bad for in this scenario is of course Anne Marie, who just saw her fiance die horribly. It’s worth pointing out that Anne Marie is also completely in the dark about her fiance’s evil nature, because women in Mark Trail are (a) not very observant and (b) not told unpleasant facts by men, because a lady shouldn’t worry her pretty little head about such matters. Maybe they still won’t tell her, to protect her! “I’m sorry, Anne Marie, but your fiance is in Man Heaven now. Probably you’ll find a new fiance soon, with your long, pretty hair! Welp, I’m off to Lost Forest.”

Mary Worth, 10/26/13

This week, we’ve heard the story of a teenage boy, homeless after being kicked out of his abusive home, who Shelly helped in her early years at the shelter. That teen hobo eventually grew up to be the upstanding suit-wearing doctor you see before you, thanks to Shelly’s help and guidance. In the shocking conclusion to the tale, we learn that Shelly and Dr. Smith are involved in a sexual relationship so electric that they can’t keep from pawing all over each other, right here in front of the guest that they barely notice anymore. Mary’s eyes are wide with voyeuristic lust in anticipation of the red-hot May-December chocolate-vanilla action she’s about to see.

Gil Thorp, 10/26/13

You may not care for sports, or Gil Thorp, or sports in Gil Thorp, but you really have to appreciate today’s strip, in which Gil and Kaz come up with a coaching plan and grin smugly at each other about it, and then that plan flops spectacularly over two confusingly drawn panels. I’m pretty sure Jimmy Jarbo is pounding himself in the head in frustration over his failure in panel two? Silly, Jimmy, you can’t hurt yourself that way, you’re wearing a helmet! You need to take it off and find a good barky stick.

Blondie, 10/26/13

Herb’s expression in the last panel really sells this strip to me. He’s trying, ever so gently, to steer his best friend away from the massive coronary that’s awaiting him, only to see all his work undone in an instant. “Yes,” says Dagwood, “I do want to eat all my favorite foods at once! Can you blend them up into a viscous slurry and then pour down my gullet through a funnel?”

Crock, 10/26/13

Once upon a time, there was a teenage chicken who was smart enough to learn how to drive a car, but then these guys killed it and ate it, the end.

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Mark Trail, 10/24/13

So I hadn’t mentioned this earlier but Johnny Walker shot an elk and wounded it but then didn’t bother to follow it and put it out of its misery, and though I’m a city slicker who is terrified of things you encounter while hunting (guns, animals, direct sunlight, “outside,” etc.) it was pretty clear to me from context that this made him evil. And now, as he flees with Mark Trail’s enormous, battery-drained cell phone, he’s about to meet that elk, and its huge, razor-sharp antlers! Pretty sure this is the first example of “Chekov’s elk” in the history of narrative.

Spider-Man, 10/24/13

Yeah, so, Spidey and the Tarantula have pretty much won their fight against El Condor and his regime, but they still seem to be awful cocky about their current scenario? Remember, this is a brutal dictator for whom the best case near-term scenario probably involves a brief show trial before a Revolutionary Tribunal resulting in a sentence of execution by firing squad; more likely outcomes involve a rope, a lamppost in the plaza in front of the presidential palace, and nobody who knows how to do a hanging properly so it’s swift and painless. So, you know, why not shoot at one or more of the spider-themed superheroes who helped the leftist running dogs overthrow you? Especially when they’re both being so smug and irritating?

Crankshaft, 10/24/13

Speaking of revolutions: Crankshaft knew that his own reign of terror couldn’t last forever, that eventually the children on his bus route and their parents and his co-workers and his own family would realize they had had enough of him, and would organize to send him into the dustbin of history. But unlike El Condor, Crankshaft was prepared. You could still just barely hear the angry mob in the distance, baying for blood, but already the CIA helicopter was landing inside Crankshaft’s compound. The citizenry could take their rage out on his fence and his yard, could tear his house to bits, but they would never find Crankshaft. It was like he was never there at all.

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Family Circus, 10/20/13

Thel leaves the dishes for her evening pick-me-up down in the laundry room. Bil strains to remember what people mean by words like “hope” and “win.” Candyland was never supposed to be like this … not like this. The animals bide their time.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/20/13

Another sunset-colored Sunday Funky, in which we learn that Winkerbean pere et fils can only interact through the medium of commerce: “I’m here, Dad! How much attention and respect would you like to buy this time?”

Hey, remember when I said the Montoni pizza was the standard transactional unit of misery in Westview? SEE?

Why are Wally and Darrin taking a table out at closing time?

Better Half, 10/20/13 (panel)

Sadly, Harriet, that is definitely a Thing, and there’s a lot of it going around:

Mark Trail, 10/17/13 (panel)

Mary Worth, 10/20/13

So Mary Worth is apparently giving up on those confusing “stories” entirely and cutting straight to the self-congratulation? Unless the story is the self-congratulation, and Shelly’s got a chain-link cage set up in her drawing room so she and Mary can oil up and square off after lunch in a ‘Condescending Vanity’-themed Hell in a Cell? ‘Cause I would totally spring for the Pay-per-View on that.

OK, that’s it for me — look for Josh Sunday afternoon or early Monday with Comments of Slightly More than a Week and lots of good clean family-style comics mockery. Thanks for a fun time, everybody!

— Uncle Lumpy