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Mark Trail, 9/22/20

Oh man, Woods and Wildlife editor Bill Ellis is just having a fuckin’ meltdown that Mark would even consider tending to his wounded dog instead of flying into New York for the big Conservation Writer of the Year banquet at the Waldorf Astoria. Doesn’t Mark know how much is riding on this? The notoriously cutthroat Conservation Writers of America society will just not give you the award if you don’t show up in person to accept it, so they’ll hand it to the runner-up (some guy from Ranger Rick, probably?) and then Bill, Woods and Wildlife, and their publisher (a disreputable hedge fund that bought the W&W intellectual property at fire sale prices from the Hearst Corporation in 2015) can kiss all those sweet CWotY pageviews and subscription renewals goodbye.

Dick Tracy, 9/22/20

Ha ha, teen girls! This weird professor, who is literally wearing fangs right now, is definitely not into the vampire lifestyle, which he just brought up to see if you were as not into it as he was, even though, as he can’t emphasize enough, it’s all safe and consensual. Here, read these pamphlets and check out these websites! If your opinions about modern, progressive vampirism change, don’t hesitate to get back in touch.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/22/20

CONFIDENTIAL TO BUCK: If the lost revenue from your convention circuit sales is offset by the fact that you no longer have to pay the expenses associated with your convention circuit sales, your business may be, to use a technical term, “unprofitable.”

CONFIDENTIAL TO MINDY: The idea that someone would be glad to be stuck in the house with Buck is not believable. Is this a hostage situation? Are you in danger? Blink twice if you need help.

Pluggers, 9/22/20

A plugger romantic dinner is when a wife constantly begs to go eat somewhere that isn’t fast food, just this once, and her husband finally agrees but he’s really passive aggressive about it all evening.

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The Phantom, 9/18/20

It appears that Kadia is trying to resist her destiny as the heir to her father’s terrorist empire and the future archnemesis of future Phantomess Heloise by rejecting her mother and, more specifically, all that sweet cash that the Nomad raised via terrorism (?) and stashed in various Swiss bank accounts and/or safe houses full of euros that his wife still controls. Kadia will only accept virtuous handouts, like those from the Walkers, who get their money by occasionally selling priceless cultural artifacts hoarded over the centuries on the black market, Diana’s salary for whatever UN job she does (which there’s a 50-50 chance on any given days it’ll involve numerous compromises with various dictators and warlords), and the presumably lucrative “Unknown Commander” protection racket.

Crankshaft, 9/18/20

OK, when this was just a store going out of business it was all fun and games, but store cats out of work and with nowhere to go? I will not stand for this, it is monstrous, how dare you

Mark Trail, 9/18/20

Meanwhile, America’s #1 syndicated nature comic strip currently in (temporary?) reruns is here to make us think hard about our whole relationship with our pets. Sure, Mark is very attached to Andy, a “great animal,” but who mourns for the rabbit, about to be killed and eaten by a … fox? sure, let’s say fox. That’s just nature’s way! Really makes you think, doesn’t it? (If anything happens to Andy or Felix, there will be blood and it’ll be human blood, just saying.)

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Mark Trail, 9/16/20

“When other people’s beloved pets die, I feel nothing … but now that my beloved pet might die, I’m feeling distress! Is it possible that other people have interior emotional states, like I do?” Yes, folks, Mark is finally learning how to experience empathy, but Cherry still has a long way to go. “But Mark, the awards ceremony! Winning this award will increase your status, and increase your status by an incrementally greater amount if you accept the award in person! Surely you won’t turn down this opportunity due to sadness? Remember, because you’re my spouse, your increased status increases my status as well!”

Beetle Bailey, 9/16/20

We’ve all heard the phrase “don’t top from the bottom,” but Beetle is going for a much higher degree of difficulty and is trying to bottom from the top.

Six Chix, 9/16/20

Good news! We’ve finally gotten a definitive answer as to whether or not Goofy is a dog! Bad news: he’s dead.