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Mark Trail, 7/17/12

Between this sinister aerial bighorn-poacher and Mark’s plane-flying murderous protagonists from the last storyline, we’re finally learning who the true villains in the Trailiverse are: people who have mastered the power of flight. Sure, Mark can fly a plane, but he’s morally incorruptible. The rest of humanity will get too close to the sun, go mad with delusions of godhood, and just start stone cold shooting everybody. Have you people even read the myth of Icarus? Stay on the ground, if you want to save your soul!

Spider-Man, 7/17/12

Peter Parker’s spider-sense might not be much good for saving him from being hit in the back of the head by non-superpowered villains or inanimate objects, but if you are talking shit about him within 20 feet, he will know about it.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/17/12

“Don’t worry, Jamey — that jest means she ain’t decided yet whether or not to bake you into a pie!”

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Dick Tracy, 7/6/12

So the new Dick Tracy writer-artist team of Joe Stanton and Mike Curtis have been on the job for more than a year now, and I haven’t been discussing the strip here as often as I did in its previous iteration, mostly because the art is pretty good and the plots are no longer marked by incomprehensible dream-like lunacy punctuated by horrific violence. If I have one major criticism, it’s that so much of the plots seem to have been aimed at assembling all of the strip’s classic villains into one overarching criminal syndicate, which has gotten a bit tiresome to those of us not up on eighty years of Tracy lore. But over the past few week’s the assembled baddies have been caught up in an epic gunfight as Tracy and the cops bust in to make arrests, with a fair amount of carnage ensuing.

Which makes me wonder — what if the last 15 months have just been carefully putting all the pieces of the storied Dick Tracy rogues gallery in place just so they can all be killed in a crazed, botched police raid? And then the new team can say “Ha ha, this strip is ours now, we’re going to make up all sorts of new crazies?” Probably won’t happen, but it would amuse me. Plus I kind of want to see this Indonesian action film called The Raid about a police raid on a huge gang-controlled high-rise tower that goes horribly wrong (here’s the trailer, but be warned that it’s crazy violent) but in practice I probably don’t have the stomach for that much movie violence so maybe this Dick Tracy is as close as I’m going to actually tolerate.

Judge Parker, 7/6/12

Wow, for once things are not going right for our wealthy Judge Parker heroes! They’re being tailed by marijuana farming hoodlums, their fishing lodge is a dump, their reservations never went through, and the proprietress is going to assault them with a hammer at any moment. Don’t worry, though, there are still breasts, so the world makes some sort of sense.

Mark Trail, 7/6/12

If you need more evidence that Mark Trail plots are recycled from another era, imagine a contemporary American parent sending their child (or hideously ugly ward, in this case) off into the wilderness to go take some pictures of sheep. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all in favor of it, because children need to learn more self-reliance than this modern crop is picking up, plus “Rusty in danger” plots are extremely hilarious.

Apartment 3-G, 7/6/12

“So, it’s completely safe, when competent people do it, but it’ll be really dangerous with me in charge. Lemme just scan the entry for it on WebMD and then let’s get started!”

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Apartment 3-G, 6/23/12

“No paramedics, Scott!! They follow their rules, not ours.”

Ahem. Let’s just enjoy that line again, shall we?

“No paramedics, Scott!! They follow their rules, not ours.”

Oh, man. I mean really, it’s too delicious! “No paramedics, Scott!! They follow their rules — their medically sound rules, based on a century of science and years of training and experience dealing with people who need medical attention, not our crazy patchwork of imperious and contradictory commands and whims that we’ve developed over the course of a lifetime of wealth and privilege — wealth and privilege that have kept us isolated from anyone who might tell us that we’re wrong about anything, ever. Damn it, if I want this baby sucked out of me through my bellybutton by powerful magnets, then that’s how it’s going to be! Who do we know with a medical degree who’s weak-willed enough to do exactly what I tell them to, no matter how stupid that might be? Oh, right, Tommie Thompson. Call Tommie!”

“No paramedics, Scott!! They follow their rules, not ours.”

Excuse me, be right back, getting that tattooed on my ass.

Mark Trail, 6/23/12

It actually makes me feel kind of bad for Mark Trail, because on most days his “Hmm, I’m being pursued by armed killers, let’s wake up this hibernating grizzly bear, that can only result in positive outcomes” plan would be the most deranged and hilarious thing on the comics page. But not today, my friend. Not today.

Mary Worth, 6/23/12

I’m not sure if this is the narrative intention or not, but I am 100% more interested in Mary’s upcoming stint as an Ask Wendy pinch hitter than I am in Dawn moping her way across Italy or whatever. Mary is finally beginning to realize that this newfangled “printing press” technology will allow her to meddle in lives on an unprecedented scale, forcing people to bend to her will without ever having to meet them in person! And the rest of the world is also rejoicing at the news, as the front page of the Santa Royale Gazette indicates: stock markets are going through the roof now that Mary will be dispensing advice in the newspaper, and I have no doubt that the “RESULTS ANNOUNCED IN NEW POLL” indicate unanimous support for Mary’s appointment as dictator for life.

Judge Parker, 6/23/12

Uh oh, looks like Avery’s about to fall to his death! I certainly hope that he’s had time in the car to write a new will that leaves his vast fortune to Sam.

Ziggy, 6/23/12

OK, so here’s a funny story! I was pretty much all ready to write a joke along the lines of “These birds yearn to feast on Ziggy’s flesh” and move on with my life, when something about that seemed naggingly familiar; sure enough, a little Google searching revealed this Ziggy cartoon from four years ago:

…and at the time I in fact made the exact joke I almost made about this panel. The weird part is that this isn’t just a repeat panel — it’s completely redrawn, which makes me wonder if, much like me and my birds-eating-Ziggy joke, Tom II thought of this joke again and forgot that it had already appeared in his strip and completely redrew a panel for it. That sort of problem is frankly forgivable and inevitable, for who can avoid repeating themselves when they need to produce seven jokes a week, every week, every year, for the rest of their lives?

Actually, I’m sorry, that wasn’t so much a “funny story” as a “depressing” one.