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Mark Trail, 3/9/20

Oh, wow, it seems these troubled children are turning on each other! They overheard Kevin admitting he didn’t have a dad and are immediately unleashing the most vicious attack a teen thug can think of: “Hey, look, fellas! A homeless kid!” Fortunately Geoff is there to set everyone straight with some tough talk, or maybe he’s just going to “level the playing field” by revealing all the socially debilitating secrets that ended with these delinquents on this hike instead of doing something fun and cool literally anywhere else. Anyway, how do you feel about the fact that you can apparently see down Geoff’s throat in the final panel? Feel kind of uncomfortable? I sure do!

Mary Worth, 3/9/20

It’s true, change is inevitable, as it’s been said! But in this case, maybe it’s … not? Like maybe Mary could ask for her preferred volunteer shift instead of just meekly acquiescing to the change? What’re they gonna do if she insists, fire her?

Between Friends, 3/9/20

Oh no! The COVID-19 virus has finally reached the funny pages! Can Between Friends be isolated before the rest of our beloved characters are infected? Fortunately the strip is set in Canada, so only the zombie For Better Or For Worse crew is in immediate danger.

Family Circus, 3/9/20

Daddy was “unavoidably detained on an out-of-town trip,” and based on the whispered conversations of adults on the subject Billy has come up with some wild ideas of what’s going on exactly, involving aliens and, I assume, rectal probes.

Pluggers, 3/9/20

PLUGGERS ARE SUNDOWNING

THEY SAID IT

THE SYNDICATED NEWSPAPER PANEL PLUGGERS SAID THIS ABOUT PLUGGERS, NOT ME, I’M JUST REPORTING IT

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Dick Tracy, 3/7/20

Apologies for not keeping you up to date on this Shaky plotline, but long story short, Dick Tracy’s wife Tess is a PI now and she got some guy sent up the river and Shaky is blackmailing her because he says he has evidence that she falsely accused this dude. Tess knows this evidence is false, and has already talked to Dick about the whole situation, but nevertheless Shaky is extremely confident that he’s going to pull it off, even though he’s fairly obviously walking into a trap. This Shaky is a relative of the original, classic Shaky, so I guess the lesson here is to never trust failsons (or, in this case failcousinonceremoveds) just coasting on their family legacy to get the job done. Look at this dink! He can’t even do an animal metaphor right! Merging together two inscrutable animal metaphors doesn’t create one metaphor that makes sense, Shaky!

Mark Trail, 3/7/20

Aw, look at this mischievous little orphaned imp! I wonder what “trouble” he got up to that ended up with him being forced into doing nature stuff? Robbery? Assault? Con artistry? Hopefully Rusty can tell him what it’s like to have a dad: first you don’t have a dad, then you find some weirdo who lives out in a forest compound who vaguely feels like he should have a family but definitely doesn’t want to do sex stuff with his wife, then you live with him for a while, then you wait until a tree falls on him and you start calling him “dad” and he doesn’t actively stop you. Maybe Rusty can help you find a dad, Kevin! There’s plenty of big trees out here the two of you could drop on somebody!

Mary Worth, 3/7/20

While Dawn is out nerding it up with Jared, in Paris, Hugo is … spending time? With a woman? Like a whore? I mean, it looks like they’re in an “office” which means they’re “co-workers” and have to “spend time together” for their “jobs,” so I guess those sluts over in France just do things differently, but still: Hugo, you dog.

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Mark Trail, 3/4/20

Oh, huh, it turns out that Rusty hasn’t been kept away from the Forest Explorers for their protection, but for his, because they’re “bad kids” who are being taught a lesson by taking them out into nature and “get[ting] them involved.” Involved … in … something? Forest crimes, maybe? Is Geoff a modern-day Fagin, running a gang of backwoods child criminals? If so, we have to wonder if Rusty will narc them out to Mark or if, his mind and morals softened up by the cyberbullying filth of the comics pages, he decides to join them in their sinister schemes.

Marvin, 3/4/20

Ha ha, it’s funny because Jeff finds his own son unbearable, and now uses the child’s worst qualities as tools of revenge on a world he despises!