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Mary Worth, 11/7/07

Possible explanations for the utterly laughable “dog x-ray” on display in the first panel:

• Mary Worth’s vet has an enormous CT scanning device that allows for the creation of a full-body scan of a midsized dog, which is then shrunk down so much as to be completely illegible.
• To save money, the vet just photocopies animals instead of x-raying them, arguing that it’s “basically the same technology.”
• The dog is pregnant, and that’s a sonogram of its tiny dog fetus.
• The dog and the vet are in on some kind of elaborate scam — dog plays dead by the side of the road, vet shows of ambiguous fake x-ray, old biddy comes back with checkbook, and KA-CHING!
• Mary Worth may in fact not be wholly realistic in all respects.

Apartment 3-G, 11/7/07

Man, it really depresses me when a feisty woman tries to make herself over into a shrinking violet just to please some man who can’t even decide on his own hair color. Apparently even Margo can’t stand to see it, as she’s covering her eyes rather than watch her own undoing. Of course, it’s possible that she’s rigged the phone to detonate in Eric’s hand, and is just trying to keep from being blinded in the process.

(By the way, if you find the thought of “Apartment 3-G Alan/Sam slash fiction” even vaguely intriguing, you owe it to yourself to check out this comment from faithful reader SecretMargo.)

Mark Trail, 11/7/07

Uh oh! Li’l Paul Malotte just got cock-college-tuition-money-blocked. I imagine he’s going to stride into the trading post and forcefully confront Bull Malone about how his unethical competitive practices are hurting the reputation of the increasingly lucrative full-service guided camping package market. And because he’s wearing a baby blue fringy jacket with matching equestrian cap, it will be the funniest shit you’ll ever see in your life.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/7/07

“Yup! Sullen, passive-aggressive, and unhelpful! It’s uncanny!”

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Mark Trail, 10/30/07

See, we’re only two days into the Amazing Adventures of Johnny Malotte, L’Homme d’Extérieur, and it’s already a gazillion times more amusing than dumb old Homer and the Shirleys can ever dream of being. I sincerely hope that in every single panel in which Johnny appears, he has several of his innumerable offspring draped over him, so as to indicate what a crowded, Soylent Green-type hellscape the Malotte compound is. The first panel of today’s installment shows us the dangers of backwoods inbreeding, as Johnny’s freakishly thick torso towers over his presumably high-school-aged son; either Johnny is a Paul Bunyan-like forest giant, or his son is a borderline little person (though perfectly proportioned, it should be noted).

Meanwhile, the idea that Tiny Malotte is going to have satisfy every whim of some pair of rich city businessmen in order to get the associate’s degree he needs to escape this overcrowded cabin forever is too, too delicious. Look for him to run afoul of Mark as he desperately tries to find hookers and blow in Lost Forest.

Apartment 3-G, 10/30/07

Oh, man, I had completely forgotten that Margo was running an event planning business! And, from the look of things, so did Margo. I wonder if Eric, like the wealthy and powerful everywhere, has expected Margo to drop everything else in her life now that he’s made her part of his business empire. I know we keep waiting in vain for an apocalyptic Eric-Margo conflict, but perhaps if he discovers that his new gallery manager is moonlighting organizing awards banquets for bleeding hearts, we might get one step closer.

B.C., 10/30/07

This is actually a fairly amusing cartoon for those with memories of and investment in the B.C. cast of characters, which, unfortunately for B.C., is pretty much nobody at this point. What I want to know is JESUS GOD WHOSE LEG IS THAT DANGLING LIMPLY FROM THE BACK OF THE SHELL?

Funky Winkerbean, 10/30/07

“Well, here we are … the brand new exposition in the exposition!”

“Thanks for bringing us here, Cindy … I really exposition to Funky to exposition.”

“I’m sure he won’t mind his exposition stopping by for the big exposition either!”

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People! Do you recall that I told you some weeks ago about the glory and majesty of Mark Trail Theater, a genuine Mark Trail-simulating performance in which your humble blogger would appear? And that it would be part of a larger variety show called Glitterama that would include many other acts that you would find amusing and amazing? It has come to my attention that many of you live within easy reach of Baltimore, and yet have not acquired tickets! This post will give you an opportunity to rectify your oversight! The details, again, for those that missed it:

• What: Mark Trail Theater, an eight-or-so-minute play that both lampoons and pays homage to America’s favorite asexual cartoon outdoorsman, Mark Trail, within the context of a larger variety show! Other acts in the show include comedy, burlesque, acrobatics, and more! Some acts may contain nudity, raunchiness, or inscrutable performance art, not appropriate for the younger kiddies, etc.
• Who: Me, my lovely wife, and several fellow aficionados of Mark Trail and/or irony, including a guy who looks uncannily like Mark Trail and another guy who we conned into wearing this bear suit:

  

  
• When: Friday, November 9th at 8 p.m.; Saturday, November 10th and 7 p.m. and 10 p.m. Doors open 30 minutes before show time.
• Where: Load of Fun Studios at 120 W. North Avenue in Baltimore. Mere steps away from the main Baltimore train station, so if you’re thinking, “Gee, I live in Washington/Philadelphia and don’t have a car, so I can’t come,” YOU JUST LOST YOUR EXCUSE, BUSTER!
• How: Huh, I … I don’t know exactly what that question means in this context. Oh, you want to know how to buy tickets? Well, you can buy them at the door, or reserve them online at Brown Paper Tickets. Only $10!

(Since I encourage the dramatization of Mark Trail in as many media as possible, I must point out that an entirely separate group of kindred spirits already do Mark Trail Theater … on the radio!)

Speaking of acting out comics: The unstoppable mother-daughter team of faithful readers that is Rainbird and Huntinbyrd felt that last Thursday’s Mary Worth cried out for a re-enactment. I think you’ll find the results both delightful and unsettling, just as I did:

And finally, faithful reader Toonhead has taken those bizarre body angles and karate-chop motions that we all know and love so well from Mary Worth and to their logical extreme by editing them together and adding 1974’s smash novelty hit “Kung Fu Fighting” as a soundtrack. Enjoy!