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Sorry I missed a day yesterday … all that Finger Quotin’ left me exhausted. But there’s a-doings a-transpiring in many a soaper, so we need to cover at least the high points…

Judge Parker, 6/22/06

Oh, snap! If you’re not following Judge Parker, this is Raju, junior-high-age Sophie’s Internet-recruited Indian “personal assistant,” who travelled to America thinking that she was a college student and hoping to woo her into marriage. There was a loathsome installment earlier this week where he weepingly told her that he had thought that she and he might make “little Rajus” together, but I think this strip, where she insults his teeth, is a lot funnier.

Spider-Man, 6/22/06

Yeah, because expressing jealousy towards someone is iron-clad proof that you planned to kill them. Way to use your relative jumping-to-conclusions ability of a spider, there, Parker.

Admittedly, sitting around your mansion watching films of your failed auditions with your creepy manservant is a little strange. A little strange and lot ripped off from Sunset Boulevard.

Mary Worth, 6/22-23/06

Oh, man, Mary’s little golf-cart-drivin’ Jeff fantasy is yesterday’s strip is just too, too delicious. But the narrative tension caused by the arrangement of the panels in today’s strip, combined with the look of grim resignation on Dr. Cory’s face, implies that there’s rough waters ahead for our senior citizen lovers. Is Jeff going to tell Mary that he’s leaving town to be with a seventeen-year-old girl he fell in love with on MySpace? Or is just upset that she demanded he wear that nice paramecium golf shirt she bought him for once? At least they’re not going to be twinsies if he shows up at this party today.

For Better Or For Worse, 6/23/06

God damn, Paul the Mountie will grab anyone’s ass.

I’m mainly posting this just to acknowledge that yes, you aren’t crazy, the strips on the FBOFW site really are blinking at you and yes, it plumbs depths of creepy that I didn’t even know existed before.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/23/06

I don’t want to say that this Funky Winkerbean plotline, in which the hot popular girl repeatedly throws herself at the dorky kid for no real reason, is some sort of wish fulfillment fantasy on the part of the artist, but … OK, actually, I guess I do want to say that. Dorky kid has been pretty freaked out for the duration, so I assume we’re going to learn a Valuable Lesson about high school chicks who go too fast and the nerds they terrify.

Mark Trail, 6/23/06

Man, this Mark Trail plot is turning out to be pretty awesome, and we haven’t even got to the tiger penises yet. I love how Kelly just lies around her pink bedroom in a slip lovingly copied from Liz Taylor’s Butterfield 8 get-up, plotting out loud and giving a look of evil sexiness to no one in particular.

One Big Happy, 6/23/06

It’s not a soap opera, but One Big Happy has been running with the same plot all week, which is sort of unusual. Can I just say I love Earl the vacuum cleaner fetishist a lot? You live that dream, Earl. You live it.

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The Lockhorns, 6/20/06

So, just in case you were wondering, the Lockhorns’ marriage: still a nightmarish, soul-destroying prison from which there is no escape. As usual with this feature, once you start unpacking what’s going on, it’s hard to decide which aspect of this depressing vignette is the most heartbreaking:

• Leroy has a porn dungeon.
• The “porn” in Leroy’s porn dungeon consists of PG-13-rated pictures of girls in bikinis.
• Loretta knows all about Leroy’s porn dungeon, possibly because he’s made no attempt to hide it.
• Loretta casually points out Leroy’s porn dungeon to houseguests.
• Loretta casually points out Leroy’s porn dungeon to houseguests with that stricken yet resigned look on her face that says, “Oh, God, if I had known what was in store for me, I would have drowned myself when I was a little girl!”

Mark Trail, 6/20/06

“I’ve heard about it … that would make a good story! Say, did you know that the Chinese often poach tigers for their penises in order to make aphrodisiacs? You know, Mark, whenever I think of tiger penises, I think of you … tiger.”

I’d love to think that my invocation of notorious Trailian temptress Kelly Welly last week caused her to appear, but really, if we’re going to reach the heights achieved by the petnapping hillbilly storyline, it was pretty obvious that we needed some sex appeal, stat. Notice how courtly Mark is about pulling Kelly’s chair out for her. Of course, behind her back, he’s not so chivalrous.

Apartment 3-G, 6/20/06

I know she’s trying to think fast and all, but is this the lamest excuse for getting caught in the act in the history of getting caught in the act? What kind of poetry would that be, Lucy? Tongue poetry?

Here are my alternative suggestions for what Lucy should have said. Clip ‘n’ save ‘n’ memorize in case you’re caught in a similar bout of illicit snogging.

• “It’s not what you think, Tommie. Seth is in my tongue cancer awareness group. Did you know that the best way to detect a precancerous growth on your tongue is to have someone else touch it with his tongue?”
• “It’s not what you think, Tommie. Seth and I were just rehearsing for a play! Well, it’s actually a movie. A … porno movie. OK, we’re just going to get it on in front of a Webcam.”
• “It’s not what you think, Tommie. This is Ted! He’s on the run from the mob, so he had to have massive reconstructive surgery on his face.”
• “It’s pretty much exactly what you think, Tommie. But Ted is a loser chump and Seth here is an awesome lay.”

Meanwhile, Seth (if that is his name, which I doubt — if Lucy even knows his name, which she probably does but it wouldn’t surprise me if she didn’t) is not at all fazed by Tommie’s attempt to be all like, “Hey, buddy, your lady’s a cheatin’ ho!” Frankly, I don’t think he’s even listening to her. Look at the brutish, criminal face framed by that flattop — his eyes never leave Lucy’s face, and all that’s running through his head is “PRETTY PRETTY PRETTY SMOOCH SMOOCH HUBBA HUBBA.” Which is pretty much why Lucy likes him.

By the way, the Finger Quotin’ Margo contest is now closed. I will post all the entries tomorrow sometime, if all goes well, and announce a winner … uh … as soon as I figure out how exactly to judge all the totally excellent entries I received. Geez, what have I gotten myself into?

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Mark Trail, 6/17/06

Mark’s editor Bill Ellis is too much of a prude to say it, but another common target for poachers is the tiger penis, which is a primary ingredient in many Chinese aphrodisiacs. If this storyline ends up featuring Mark punching out some sinister Chinese poachers in an attempt to protect the genitals of a poor, innocent Bengal tiger, it will go a long way towards making up for the incomprehensibly stupid and action-free eminent domain/road demolition/weeping orphan plot just concluded.

With the finely wrought mahogany detail work in the background and highball glasses in front of them, Mark and Bill appear to have retired to a fine gentleman’s club or upscale tavern to talk about bear gallbladders and those who would eat them. Perhaps this is why Bill has taken off his stolid grey suit in panel one and put on his slick electric blue jacket for panel three — you know, to attract the ladies. Presumably, Bill has cast aside former Mark Trail touchpiece Kelly Welly now that he’s tired of her physical charms.

Sally Forth, 6/17/06

Tragic proof: The “sly look” is a genetic condition.