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Crankshaft, 2/22/21

So the current Crankshaft plot/running gag involves Crankshaft, who ruined the town ice sculpture contest last year by destroying the ice sculptures with his bus, being randomly selected to be a (the?) judge of this year’s ice sculpture contest. My prediction is that Crankshaft will fall in love with the stark simplicity of this uncarved cube, with hilarious malapropic results that will get readers thinking about the true meaning of “art.” Since the last time the Funkyverse took on the true meaning of art, it involved parents mad that the high school was putting on a cancer-themed play, this will come as a blessed relief.

Mary Worth, 2/22/21

Eve has panic attacks triggered by men’s suits and falling because her husband, who used to trip her deliberately, wore suits. Eve’s dog helps soothe her when she has these episodes … a dog that same husband shot. So who’s gonna soothe the dog, Eve? Who’s gonna soothe the dog?

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Mary Worth, 2/16/21

OK, I don’t want to tell anyone how to open up and share their past trauma, but I do think it’s wild that Eve led with a big reveal that her late husband used to trip her, a sinister but relatively mild form of abuse, only to later casually drop into a fun conversation about how great dogs are the fact that, oh yeah, he also tried to murder me with a gun except that my dog saved me by getting shot in the neck. Don’t worry, the dog is fine, though! He’s right there in that strip I linked to above, looking fine! Unless Eve has had … a series of identical dogs named Max? Who she treats as the same dog? Best not to think about it, although now I can’t think of anything else.

Pluggers, 2/16/21

I didn’t think anything could make me more simultaneously angry and confused than “pluggers like to ‘accidentally’ drop their pants in public,” but “non-pluggers get food particles out from between their teeth like this, but pluggers get food particles out from between their teeth like this,” so, uh, congrats to today’s Pluggers, I guess!

Shoe, 2/16/21

Ha ha, it’s funny because Shoe, the character, doesn’t know what an escape room is, and possibly Shoe, the comic strip, doesn’t either!

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Slylock Fox, 2/15/21

Here’s my hot take on this supposed “crime”: who gives a shit about a little light fire alarm prankery? Yes, it’s annoying, and theoretically a waste of the fire department’s time, but you know what else is a waste of their time? Taking meticulous notes and pacing around trying to figure out who pulled the fire alarm in the first place, instead of just yelling at everybody and then getting back into the fire truck and taking off! And sure, Walter Weimaraner probably wasn’t actually bowling when the alarm went off, but let’s be honest: a guy hanging around a bowling alley in a double-breasted suit and fancy little boots, conspicuously not bowling, is probably up to no good anyway. Slick Smitty alone can see the truth, even if he needs to lie a bit to open our eyes to it!

Mary Worth, 2/15/21

Sometimes, when you’re feeling overwhelmed, the best incentive to get out of the house is that your house will be full of dog poop if you don’t. Saul and Eve are here to testify!

Dennis the Menace, 2/15/21

Honestly, I’m more concerned about the broken heart of whatever poor soul was supposed to be the recipient of that box of candy. Each scenario I come up with as to how Dennis and Joey got their grubby little hands on it is more menacing than the last!