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Funky Winkerbean, 10/25/19

Hey, folks, here’s some Hollywood insider information which, uh, I definitely already knew and didn’t Google just now: as much as a “shopping agreement” sounds like a fake Funky Winkerbean phrase like “vendo” or “solo car date” or whatever, it’s actually a real thing! Basically, an option, which is what Mason proposed to do last week, is when you pay someone a relatively modest sum for the exclusive rights to try to produce a movie within a set period of time, with an agreed-upon larger sum to come if the project actually moves into development — so, for instance, you might get paid $10,000 for a one-year option, and if by the end of the year the production company has been able to make the movie happen, you’ll get paid $100,000, but if not, you can keep the $10,000 and could work with someone else if they’re interested. In a “shopping agreement,” you give someone with more Hollywood connections than you exclusive rights to shop a script around for a set period of time, often with little or no money changing hands and no real guarantee of what you’d get paid if anything happens. According to the Law Offices of Gordon P. Firemark, “the shopping agreement provides the rights owner little certainty, while limiting his/her ability to entertain other offers. The Producer might blanket Hollywood with the project, reducing likelihood that there will be opportunities later, if he/she/it is unsuccessful in setting up the project.” So I’m really rooting for this to end in failure, which, according to panel three, aligns my desires with Les’s, which quite honestly I’m pretty uncomfortable with.

Gil Thorp, 10/25/19

Having struck out with his wife and a fellow school board member in his attempt to keep dangerous rage monster Chance Macy off the Mudlarks, Chet has turned to the only force that can help him: the free press. Unfortunately the Milford print media is part of the town’s tightly-knit elite and Marjie immediately narced to Coach Thorp. Why does Chet trust the fake news instead of reaching out to Marty Moon, the only man in town willing to expose the tough truths? Marty is presumably sitting by the phone right now, waiting for a phone call just like this, very, very drunk.

Mary Worth, 10/25/19

Ah, you know what would help you sort out your feelings about a guy you’re dating but not really sure about? If he, without asking you, turns your date plans into double date plans, with his ex who he’s still transparently hung up on and her hot young boyfriend! I think Estelle will have some pretty firm opinions on whether she wants to continue seeing Wilbur after this!

The Phantom, 10/25/19

ME, A GUY WHO’S READ THE PHANTOM FOR MORE THAN 15 YEARS AND LIKES TO ACT LIKE HE HAS SOMETHING OF A HANDLE ON ITS WHOLE GEOPOLITICAL BACKSTORY AND YET HAS NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON HERE: Uh, yes, it, uh, did have to happen eventually! Yep, armed people bound for Wambesiland! You hate to see it … but you knew it was going happen sooner or later. I think?

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Funky Winkerbean, 10/24/19

So the big news is that Mason wants to option Les’s book about his dead wife Lisa and turn it into a movie, but doesn’t want Les to write the script, which is a really savvy decision because, as I’ve extensively documented, it was Les’s involvement that caused the previous attempt to make this movie to fail, with presumably large monetary losses for everyone concerned. And Holly, who couldn’t help overhearing because there’s literally nobody else in this cursèd restaurant, wants Les to put his ego aside and help make this movie happen even if he isn’t the credited screenwriter, because it’s crucially important that a movie be made telling the story of those lives that have been touched by cancer, something that’s never, ever, ever, ever been done before.

Mary Worth, 10/24/19

“Oh, uh, yeah, I’m glad that you’re still dating a hunky young millionaire! Because I have someone in my life too, and guess what: we’re going to be eating at a restaurant next week. A Thai restaurant. We don’t play by society’s rules!”

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Mary Worth, 10/22/19

Say, Iris, remember when Tommy, your beloved son, injured his back helping you move, which made it difficult for him to work at his physically demanding job as a janitor, so he took few too many of his legally prescribed pain meds, which led to addiction and maybe a little light pharmacy shopping? Remember how super, super self-righteous you were about the whole thing? Oh, but now that you’re too worn out to keep up with your boyfriend, sexually, it’s OK for you to go looking for over-the-counter pep pills in the “this statement has not been evaluated by the FDA and this product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease” aisle at CVS, a road which we all know will end with you ordering sketchy Chinese-made “lady Viagra” on the dark web. You and Wilbur deserve each other.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/22/19

“And — shut down the point of sale system? And update our Yelp page to let people know we closed early today? And … oh God, the baby is crowning, but this is very important … can you set an away message on my email?”