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Mary Worth, 5/15/19

Oh hell yes this Mary Worth plot is going to get jazzed up by the introduction of a beloved character from the past, namely (I’m assuming) Terry Bryson! We first met Terry back in 2008, when she was brought onto the scene to explain to Toby exactly how badly she fucked up when she got her identity stolen online. Then, much more interestingly, in 2015, she got tracked down by her ex Adam, who was both her ex-crime-fighting partner and ex-lover. At first she was hesitant about renewing their relationship, but eventually they bonded over their shared love of jiu-jitsuing the shit out of ne’er-do-wells and then making out in front of them. Anyway, the point is that Mary is going to call this trained assassin out of retirement and she is going to track down Arther in his filthy hovel and eliminate him, because she is that serious about stopping cyberfraud. The doves in the first panel are an indication that the remainder of this storyline will be told in the style of famed Hong Kong director John Woo, which is to say extremely violently.

Gil Thorp, 5/15/19

Way back in 2005, earnest young feminists Hadley Baxendale and Steve Luhm fought to level the playing field between the He- and She-Mudlark teams, and it appears that the long moral arc of the universe has finally gotten itself fully bent, because I’m pretty sure the single panel of incomprehensible sports action that begins today’s Gil Thorp is the first we’ve heard of the boy’s baseball team this year, and we just as quickly turn back to the girls and their on-field winning ways and their “too cool for school” madness quickly spiraling out of control. Can you imagine how dull whatever the boys are getting up to must be for this business to be spring’s only plot?

Blondie, 5/15/19

You ever want to do a joke about how a tech thing makes some traditional scenario different for the kids today, but don’t follow through because you don’t actually know how people use the tech thing you want to joke about and don’t care to find out? Well, the popular and successful comic strip Blondie thinks you’re being a little too precious about it, my friend.

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Funky Winkerbean, 5/13/19

“Yeah, Summer! Remember Summer, my daughter, your stepdaughter, who’s also best friends with your daughter? I get how I threw you by looking at the calendar so you’d think I was talking about summer the season. Also, it’s easy to forget about Summer my daughter because she’s not in the strip much anymore. She only seems to call me late in the semester, probably because she really doesn’t like talking to me, and, honestly, can you blame her?”

Slylock Fox, 5/13/19

Slylock has apparently solved all the Forest Realm’s mysteries, because now he’s putting his patented powers of ratiocination to use on solving puzzles like “who dumped trash on the side of the road?” The mess he and Max are making in the process actually offers a good glimpse into how his legalistic mind operates: for Slylock, once he’s spotted a crime, he must immediately work to find the perpetrator by any means necessary, even if those means actively make the litter problem, and the lives of the citizens whom he’s ostensibly working to protect, demonstrably worse.

Mary Worth, 5/13/19

I honestly really respect that Mary is keeping her eyes on the prize here, and that prize is not Estelle’s tender heart or her future ability to trust others or whatever, but is rather the ten large that she Venmo’d to @artherzero7. Hearts heal on their own, with time, but bank accounts do not, and that’s why we’re gonna get Interpol involved in this damn thing!

Mark Trail, 5/13/19

That is going to leave a mark, Mark: A Mark-shaped mark! Ha ha, get it? Anyway, Mark just shattered his pelvis.

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Mary Worth, 5/12/19

Oh, man, check out that look of implacable determination on Mary’s face in the final panel. How dare someone break the heart of what’s-her-name, the lady who took Mary’s cat off her hands? “Arthur” will be reported, do you understand? He’ll be reported if Mary has to report him herself. And if the people she reports him to don’t take her seriously … well, then, she’s just going to have to ask to speak to their manager. Mary will stop at nothing.

The Phantom, 5/12/19

“They claimed to do these crimes to honor history!? A disgraceful argument, O Ghost Who Walks!”

“Ha-ha! I think they believed it, Guran. The criminal mind sets out to deceive others, but can be even more adept at deceiving itself! Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll head down to my treasure chambers, where my family has hoarded dozens of priceless historic artifacts that we’ve definitely acquired legitimately!”

Blondie, 5/12/19

It’s not clear what Blondie hates more: her family’s cooking, or foreigners.