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Mary Worth, 1/28/19

Monday is starting with BIG MARY WORTH NEWS, everybody: it turns out that Professor Ian Cameron will not just give you a good grade even if you don’t do your assignments, no matter how vigorously you wink at him. With that out of the way, we can now begin to explore the fact that he’s been ignoring his wife for entirely non-affair-related reasons, probably because he just doesn’t like her very much.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/28/19

Hmm, now I’m beginning to lean away from my longstanding “Hootin’ Holler is an extremely impoverished community that’s geographically, economically, and culturally isolated from mainstream American life” theory and pivoting to “Hootin’ Holler is a deliberately anachronistic intentional community/compound, much like the titular setting of M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village.’

Dennis the Menace, 1/28/19

Dennis Mitchell only received the nickname “the Menace” during his trial for crimes against humanity, when the results of his awful genetic experiments came to light, but there were signs of what was to come from a very early stage in his life.

Family Circus, 1/28/19

Ha ha, kids sure say the darndest things in Munchausen syndrome by proxy situations!

Sam and Silo, 1/28/19

I admit that I’m still having a hard time trying to figure out what Sam and Silo’s deal is, even in terms of its cultural situation, by which I mean: what are the things outside of itself, in the larger cultural universe, that it references? Today we have name-checked the most famous political crisis in American history and … a 2006 cheating scandal in international test cricket? Never change, Sam and Silo, you delightfully unplaceably weird strip!

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Mary Worth, 1/27/19

“Toby, marriages are like sharks. Even as you enter into deeper waters, you still have to keep moving. Because those waters are full of hungry marriages, with razor-sharp teeth, waiting to swarm around you and tear your body to shreds in an awful orgy of blood and death. Where was I going with this? Oh, right Ian is too much of a coward to have an affair, but he’ll probably still try to justify to himself giving a student a grade she doesn’t deserve, because he’s horny.”

Mark Trail, 1/27/19

I’m assuming Sarah Emlen Mathias gets a shoutout because she brought the scourge of the Spotted Laternfly to Mark Trail and/or James Allen’s attention, but the placement of that word balloon sure makes it seem like it might be a very sarcastic “thanks.” “Originally from Southeast Asia, this invasive species popped up in Pennsylvania in 2014 right after Sarah Emlen Mathias got back from a vacation in Laos, so let’s give a big, special thanks to her for not thoroughly checking her luggage before she came home! These voracious little creatures have the potential to cost millions of dollars in damage to agricultural businesses, so, you know, nice one, Sarah.”

Pluggers, 1/27/19

Not really sure what relationship the desperately anxious plugger in the title panel has to the little domestic drama in the main comic, but I’m very keen to find out! From the look on his face I’m assuming that, having received a loved one’s finger in the mail, he’s now getting detailed instructions on where to bring the ransom money.

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Mary Worth, 1/25/19

One of the things that makes it so much fun (YES, IT’S FUN, I’VE BEEN DOING IT FOR 14 YEARS AND IT’S STILL FUN, DARN IT) to analyze the soap opera strips is that the gap between what it seems like we’re supposed to believe is happening and what we actually see happening is hilariously wide. Like, so far Ian’s been winked at and less than chatty at dinner (which, you know, so has Toby). Is this what Mary Worth thinks the warning signs of an affair look like? Is this what Mary Worth thinks an affair is? Just a rash of winking-based adultery ruining marriages left and right all over this land of ours? The only way to prevent this is to make botox treatments that immobilize the whole eye area mandatory. Toby’s probably way ahead of the game!

Judge Parker, 1/25/19

Oh my goodness, Sam’s pissyface glowering at the back of this press conference is very much giving me life today! “How dare he,” the lawyer, who has no qualifications to practice in this jurisdiction and also isn’t great with what you’d call “people skills,” fumes. “How dare he describe exactly the things I’ve been doing since I got here, on camera!”