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Mary Worth, 6/2/24

I know I’ve been harping for a while on “why is Wilbur so obsessed with his dead fish and not talking about his alive fish?” Earlier this week he claimed that, since Stellan was named after Estelle, his fishy demise truly brought home the fact that Wilbur and Estelle would never get back together, but I think today makes the real story clear: while Stellan was happy to listen to Wilbur natter on for hours about his pathetic love life, Willa would respond by simply facing the back of the tank in obvious and appropriate contempt. And you know what? Good for her.

Blondie, 6/2/24

I was going to go on a rant here about how legacy strips need to stop putting Boomer nostalgia into the mouths of comics characters who cannot be older than 50 or so, but then I saw the “Bratman and Robin” panel and my disgust at its laziness immediately purged all other irritations from my mind. “Robin” is just an actual robin, sitting on a giant bottle of mustard? No attempt at a pun or wordplay or anything? Get outta here with that shit, man.

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Hagar the Horrible, 5/29/24

One of the great dilemmas of transport is that the more mass you need to move, the more energy you need to move it, which means you need more fuel, but fuel itself adds mass. At sea, or in space, when you have to take all your fuel with you when you depart on your journey, the mass of that fuel can be a real limiting factor in terms of how you far you can go — but on the other hand, you have to figure into your calculations that in most scenarios, you burn off fuel as you use it, so the mass of your vessel actually goes down over time. Anyway, one of the human beings who serve as fuel for Hagar’s boat, which is burdened by the extra mass of the extra rowers being towed behind it, can’t row anymore, due to his injury. It would make things easier for the uninjured rowers if the overall mass they were propelling were lower. You see where I’m going with this.

Mary Worth, 5/29/24

Sorry if this is rude to say, but Wilbur doesn’t look that bad here, certainly not bad enough to inspire Mary’s look of wild-eyed panic. Oh, he’s got some stubble and he’s in his robe? Maybe looks a little sad? I 100% guarantee that the Chartertsone condo board has received angry emails about worse, much worse, when Wilbur takes one of his spontaneous constitutionals around the grounds or simply forgets to close his curtains.

Dennis the Menace, 5/29/24

This strip is just brutally real. Mr. Wilson has a loving wife, a generous U.S. Postal Service pension, and a bucolic home in the suburbs. This really is his best life! And he fucking hates it! Because of Dennis! Grim stuff.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/27/24

Big news, everyone! Our character wrap-up is finally over and we’re getting to our next exciting Rex Morgan, M.D., medically themed storyline: Buck’s tween son Corey, who appears to have hit puberty and also grown his hair all long and greasy, just like the ladies like it, is getting into standup comedy, along with his friend Parker. Now, having been to far too many open mics myself, I can tell you that they are wretched hives of scum and villainy and “supportive” parents who take their children to them should be investigated by CPS, but it is true that testing out the timing and delivery of the jokes you write is an important part of the proces, so they’re a necessary evil. For instance, is “as always, the sky” a funny response to “what’s up”? Well, it really depends on whether you say it in a jokey, smirky way (bad) or deliver it with a world-weary sigh, as if you cannot believe how many times you’ve been forced to answer this simple and obvious question (good). Anyway, in this plot we might get to see Corey become the Joker, so fingers crossed for that.

Hi and Lois, 5/27/24

One of my pet peeves is that Memorial Day, a holiday specifically set aside to honor those who died while serving in the US armed forces, has sort of become elided with Veterans Day and is now just treated as “let’s respect the troops, but when the weather is nicer.” The result is that you get strips like this, where two little kids knock on the door of their elderly neighbor and are like “Hey, Mr. Weaving, do you have any memories of your dead comrades? Were they shot down right in front of you? Does the image never leave your mind?”

Beetle Bailey, 5/27/24

Beetle Bailey understands the holidays correctly, at least. That’s what I’m taking from Gen. Halftrack’s facial expression, anyway, which reads less as “sentimental” and more as “my God, look at how young and full of promise they were. I’m the only one who made it out and I’ve wasted my life. I should’ve been there when that NVA artillery shell hit, not them. It should’ve been me. It should’ve been me!”

Mary Worth, 5/27/24

What do you think she’s hearing, exactly? Snoring? Sobbing? Chewing? Some unholy combination of the three?