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Mary Worth, 1/27/19

“Toby, marriages are like sharks. Even as you enter into deeper waters, you still have to keep moving. Because those waters are full of hungry marriages, with razor-sharp teeth, waiting to swarm around you and tear your body to shreds in an awful orgy of blood and death. Where was I going with this? Oh, right Ian is too much of a coward to have an affair, but he’ll probably still try to justify to himself giving a student a grade she doesn’t deserve, because he’s horny.”

Mark Trail, 1/27/19

I’m assuming Sarah Emlen Mathias gets a shoutout because she brought the scourge of the Spotted Laternfly to Mark Trail and/or James Allen’s attention, but the placement of that word balloon sure makes it seem like it might be a very sarcastic “thanks.” “Originally from Southeast Asia, this invasive species popped up in Pennsylvania in 2014 right after Sarah Emlen Mathias got back from a vacation in Laos, so let’s give a big, special thanks to her for not thoroughly checking her luggage before she came home! These voracious little creatures have the potential to cost millions of dollars in damage to agricultural businesses, so, you know, nice one, Sarah.”

Pluggers, 1/27/19

Not really sure what relationship the desperately anxious plugger in the title panel has to the little domestic drama in the main comic, but I’m very keen to find out! From the look on his face I’m assuming that, having received a loved one’s finger in the mail, he’s now getting detailed instructions on where to bring the ransom money.

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Mary Worth, 1/25/19

One of the things that makes it so much fun (YES, IT’S FUN, I’VE BEEN DOING IT FOR 14 YEARS AND IT’S STILL FUN, DARN IT) to analyze the soap opera strips is that the gap between what it seems like we’re supposed to believe is happening and what we actually see happening is hilariously wide. Like, so far Ian’s been winked at and less than chatty at dinner (which, you know, so has Toby). Is this what Mary Worth thinks the warning signs of an affair look like? Is this what Mary Worth thinks an affair is? Just a rash of winking-based adultery ruining marriages left and right all over this land of ours? The only way to prevent this is to make botox treatments that immobilize the whole eye area mandatory. Toby’s probably way ahead of the game!

Judge Parker, 1/25/19

Oh my goodness, Sam’s pissyface glowering at the back of this press conference is very much giving me life today! “How dare he,” the lawyer, who has no qualifications to practice in this jurisdiction and also isn’t great with what you’d call “people skills,” fumes. “How dare he describe exactly the things I’ve been doing since I got here, on camera!”

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Beetle Bailey, 1/23/19

Did … did General Halftrack die? RIP General Halftrack, you will always be in our memories.

Crankshaft, 1/23/19

Is … is Ralph about to die? RIP Crankshaft’s friend Ralph, you will always be in our memories, and we will cringe sympathetically when Crankshaft makes an extremely off-putting malapropism at your funeral.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/23/19

“Black Friday” is what the Montoni’s staff calls it when the depressive episodes afflicting the inhabitants of Westview sync up and everyone just stays in bed all day and orders pizza.

Mary Worth, 1/23/19

Oh my GOD, the winking is working. Resist, professor! Don’t let your insatiable hunger for extremely mild flirtation ruin your marriage, or your career!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/23/19

Wow, I guess we’re about to learn that kids from broken homes — even kids saddled with the name “Brayden” — can be just as prissy and judgemental of human frailty as Rex Morgan himself! I think we’ve all learned a valuable lesson about stereotypes here.

Six Chix, 1/23/19

Gotta hand it to Six Chix: I spent so much time trying to figure out whether or not “to Monday to Sunday” was a typo — like, was there originally supposed to be only one day named but they changed it and accidentally didn’t delete the original day? or is it somehow part of the joke, like they’re having their Sunday girls’ night out on Monday, or vice versa? — that I never ever got to the part where I had to try to figure out what the fuck this has to do with her son moving back home. You win this round, Six Chix!