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Mary Worth, 1/25/19

One of the things that makes it so much fun (YES, IT’S FUN, I’VE BEEN DOING IT FOR 14 YEARS AND IT’S STILL FUN, DARN IT) to analyze the soap opera strips is that the gap between what it seems like we’re supposed to believe is happening and what we actually see happening is hilariously wide. Like, so far Ian’s been winked at and less than chatty at dinner (which, you know, so has Toby). Is this what Mary Worth thinks the warning signs of an affair look like? Is this what Mary Worth thinks an affair is? Just a rash of winking-based adultery ruining marriages left and right all over this land of ours? The only way to prevent this is to make botox treatments that immobilize the whole eye area mandatory. Toby’s probably way ahead of the game!

Judge Parker, 1/25/19

Oh my goodness, Sam’s pissyface glowering at the back of this press conference is very much giving me life today! “How dare he,” the lawyer, who has no qualifications to practice in this jurisdiction and also isn’t great with what you’d call “people skills,” fumes. “How dare he describe exactly the things I’ve been doing since I got here, on camera!”

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Beetle Bailey, 1/23/19

Did … did General Halftrack die? RIP General Halftrack, you will always be in our memories.

Crankshaft, 1/23/19

Is … is Ralph about to die? RIP Crankshaft’s friend Ralph, you will always be in our memories, and we will cringe sympathetically when Crankshaft makes an extremely off-putting malapropism at your funeral.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/23/19

“Black Friday” is what the Montoni’s staff calls it when the depressive episodes afflicting the inhabitants of Westview sync up and everyone just stays in bed all day and orders pizza.

Mary Worth, 1/23/19

Oh my GOD, the winking is working. Resist, professor! Don’t let your insatiable hunger for extremely mild flirtation ruin your marriage, or your career!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/23/19

Wow, I guess we’re about to learn that kids from broken homes — even kids saddled with the name “Brayden” — can be just as prissy and judgemental of human frailty as Rex Morgan himself! I think we’ve all learned a valuable lesson about stereotypes here.

Six Chix, 1/23/19

Gotta hand it to Six Chix: I spent so much time trying to figure out whether or not “to Monday to Sunday” was a typo — like, was there originally supposed to be only one day named but they changed it and accidentally didn’t delete the original day? or is it somehow part of the joke, like they’re having their Sunday girls’ night out on Monday, or vice versa? — that I never ever got to the part where I had to try to figure out what the fuck this has to do with her son moving back home. You win this round, Six Chix!

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Gil Thorp, 1/22/19

Sure, Gil talks a big game about how he doesn’t lose any sleep about how his slipshod coaching practices might negatively affect the lives of his players, but I gotta think this billboard business has him rattled. Maybe he’s starting to second-guess himself: should he have noticed that one of his student managers was dealing fake adderall to a player? Now he’s swinging wildly in the other direction and has decided that Mike Filion isn’t doing great in one of his classes and is irritating everyone with That ’70s Show quotes because he’s suicidal! I’m excited to discover that the only thing more annoying than Gil’s disinterested undercoaching is Gil’s intrusive overcoaching.

Judge Parker, 1/22/19

CHRISTOU: Thank you, everyone. The mainstream media would have you believe that beloved Western star Roy Rogers died of congestive heart failure in 1998 in California. But the question the police force of this unnamed resort island nation would like to pose to you is: what if he didn’t?

SAM: [on phone] My god, Abbey, it’s even more sick and depraved than I could’ve imagined!

Mary Worth, 1/22/19

HERE IT IS

HERE’S JANNIE’S BIG MOVE

HERE’S WHERE SHE “SEALS THE DEAL,” EROTICALLY

WINK, JANNIE

WINK LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT