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Gil Thorp, 1/22/19

Sure, Gil talks a big game about how he doesn’t lose any sleep about how his slipshod coaching practices might negatively affect the lives of his players, but I gotta think this billboard business has him rattled. Maybe he’s starting to second-guess himself: should he have noticed that one of his student managers was dealing fake adderall to a player? Now he’s swinging wildly in the other direction and has decided that Mike Filion isn’t doing great in one of his classes and is irritating everyone with That ’70s Show quotes because he’s suicidal! I’m excited to discover that the only thing more annoying than Gil’s disinterested undercoaching is Gil’s intrusive overcoaching.

Judge Parker, 1/22/19

CHRISTOU: Thank you, everyone. The mainstream media would have you believe that beloved Western star Roy Rogers died of congestive heart failure in 1998 in California. But the question the police force of this unnamed resort island nation would like to pose to you is: what if he didn’t?

SAM: [on phone] My god, Abbey, it’s even more sick and depraved than I could’ve imagined!

Mary Worth, 1/22/19

HERE IT IS

HERE’S JANNIE’S BIG MOVE

HERE’S WHERE SHE “SEALS THE DEAL,” EROTICALLY

WINK, JANNIE

WINK LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT

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Funky Winkerbean, 1/21/19

As I keep harping on, I know the time-jump got the details of Wally’s story all messed up, but I never realized that those details were, like, “Wally somehow never told his new wife that he had a daughter, and she reacts to having this information sprung on her by smirking sassily at him” messed up. Big shout out to Funky Winkerbean for always surprising me, and never in a good way!

Mary Worth, 1/21/19

OK, Jannie, see, you can spend your energy buttering up your professor in transparently nonsense ways and hope that the goodwill thus generated will predispose him to be generous when you half-ass your assignments, or you can actually sleep with him and use the resulting emotional connection/potential blackmail material to strongarm him into giving you a good grade when you stop doing work altogether. But to deploy the strategy you’ve chosen here … well, it’s bold, I’ll give you that.

Spider-Man, 1/21/19

Wow, it looks like the Newspaper Spider-Man Narration Box is comparing the exchange of currency for labor in a free-market system to an evil supervillain using supernatural powers to enslave his helpless victim into doing his bidding. You never know who’s gonna go full communist these days!

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Blondie, 1/17/19

To me, the best part of this comic, which posits that Dagwood is an animal test subject in some vast, mysterious laboratory, is that he’s failing to validate whatever experiment is being conducted. Blondie might imagine him fulfilling some higher being’s expectations for coffee’s effect on human motivation, but in real life there he is in bed, stubbornly refusing to be chemically motivated. It’s beautiful to me, though surely like all experimental subjects he’ll be disposed of soon enough.

Dick Tracy, 1/17/19

One of the people working on a Dick Tracy-derived performance that involves multiple layers of nostalgia, each resonating with a smaller and smaller audience, feels so unfulfilled by the exercise that he needs to drink himself stupid in order to carry on with it! Hopefully this is not a disturbing look behind the scenes at the strip.

Mary Worth, 1/17/19

MICHAEL [to himself]: “Oh, snap, this chick doesn’t need my help with the assignment, she must really be good at English lit. But how am I gonna get her to sleep with me then? I know, I’ll bust out some big words. Chicks who love English lit love big words!”

MICHAEL [aloud]: “Are you an English literature aficionado?”

Dustin, 1/17/19

Maybe I’m wrong about Dustin not adequately covering both sides of the Boomer-Millennial divide. Sure, the comic makes fun of today’s youths and their habit of just dozing off in the middle of the work day, but it also points out that today’s old people hate their families so much that it’s literally killing them.