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Mary Worth, 4/18/18

Ha ha ha oh my God they really are going to fire Wilbur, aren’t they? You know, I’ve heard some grumbling from some of you ingrates that Mary Worth has been spending too much energy on this Wilbur storyline, and all I can say is: how dare you. Do I want to see everything taken away from Wilbur, see him tormented by his sadistic creator, like a combovered Job for our modern age? I do. You’re damn right I do. Let me drink in his suffering! Ahhh, that’s it. That’s the stuff.

Pluggers, 4/18/18

I was going to make fun of this plugger here, but I then I remembered a couple weeks ago I was briefly convinced that I had a cancerous growth on my tongue but then after like 45 seconds or so I figured out it was just the shell of a popcorn kernel really glommed on, way in the back. I was going to at least feel smug that I didn’t need a medical professional to tell me this, but then I remembered a few months before that this spot on my gums had been bleeding and irritated and I figured my parents’ history of gum disease had finally caught up with me, but then I went to the dentist and he pulled out this huge sliver of popcorn kernel that had gotten wedged between my teeth for days, and then after that my gums were fine. I guess the lesson here is that I eat too much popcorn, but can you think of another cheap, delicious, and healthy snack I can make in just minutes in a countertop air popper? It’s worth all the drama!

Dennis the Menace, 4/18/18

“Ha ha, I’m kidding! Of course I am! It’s just … got any pills? Just a little something to take the edge off his ‘himself,’ if you follow me? Something I can put in his food? Something that would be poisonous if you put in a lot of it, but if you only put in a little it would just, like, slow him down a little bit? Remember, doc, you can’t spell ‘factitious disorder imposed on another, aka Munchausen syndrome by proxy’ without ‘freedom!’”

POSTSCRIPT: UPDATE TO TODAY’S PLUGGERS COMMENTARY: OH NOOOOOOO

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Mark Trail, 4/17/18

Hey, remember Marlin’s assistant Jim, who was probably DB Cooper and/or the Zodiac Killer? Well, whichever one of those guys Jim isn’t is apparently laying low as a cabana boy at whichever beachside resort Chris “Dirty” Dyer has taken up residence in! You guys remember “Dirty,” don’t you? The rhino poacher who died but then wasn’t dead after all, and came to America seeking revenge? Last we saw him he was about to murder an erstwhile underworld pal/pharaonic cosplayer for the contents of his safe, and today’s strip might at first make you think that once he had all that loot he decided that hunting down and defeating his nemesis seems like a lot of work when he could just chill beachside for a few years instead. But no, he’s taking the opportunity to sharpen his knife-throwing skills, which I guess is what’s going to make his final confrontation with Mark sporting, like just shooting him with a gun would’ve been too easy or something.

Mary Worth, 4/17/18

Pretty amazing that Wilbur has a coffee cup that just says “DAD”, right? Like, a few weeks ago he couldn’t shut up about what a great parent he is but apparently he doesn’t believe in himself enough to drink out of a mug that says “#1 DAD” or “WORLD’S GREATEST DAD” on it. No, all that he’s willing to admit to whoever sees him at his breakfast table (i.e., nobody, for now, and probably forever) is that, yes, he does acknowledge having sired a child, and therefore is technically speaking a “dad.” Anyway, I certainly hope that phone call is from Wilbur’s editor, who’s finally gotten around to actually reading “Ask Wendy” and “Survivor Stories,” and is firing him post-haste because both are very, very bad, like just unreadably awful.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/17/18

With our medically themed plot finally wrapping up, Rex Morgan is moving on to a new exciting storyline: this old man is considering going to a wedding to which he was invited — but is he too busy??? Can’t wait to see all the twists and turns as this plays out!!!!!!!!

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Slylock Fox, 4/16/18

It’s extremely sad to me that Count Weirdly is so constantly persecuted by the Animal authorities because of his eccentricities and (let’s not mince words) species. He’s always coming up with amazing inventions like a functional bipedal robot that’s capable of feeling real affection, but because he’s cut off from traditional funding avenues, the only way he can raise capital to manufacture and market his creations is to market his own reality video content. These shows, which are as popular post-animalpocalypse as they were before, have certain narrative conventions. And so, yes, Weirdly had to structure a narrative arc where he appears to develop and construct Mortty within a single half-hour episode. Was this, strictly speaking, true? No, but isn’t the robot itself achievement enough? Doesn’t everyone assume that so-called “reality” shows are highly edited? Why won’t Slylock leave this innovator alone?

Spider-Man, 4/16/18

Hey, remember when we first came upon Dr. Connors, way back at the beginning of this storyline? He was sneaking out of his janky-ass lab, which he presumably owed a lot of back rent on, and was throwing all his scientific equipment into back of his minivan so he could decamp to his even jankier-ass lab out in the middle of a swamp. I’m not really sure “world’s top scientist” meets the standards of journalistic accuracy we’ve come to expect from the Bugle, is what I’m trying to say.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/16/18

Hey, Darrin and Pete, why not try looking excited or eager about your new gig? Maybe put some effort into arranging your facial expressions so that you look like you’re feeling something other than creeping existential dread! Because honestly, if you go into this endeavor convinced it’s going to fail, it’s going to be less fun for me when it inevitably does.

Mary Worth, 4/16/18

I believe it was George Orwell who once said, “If you want a picture of the future, imagine a panel of Wilbur in the shower at least once a week — forever.”