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Archive: Mary Worth

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Distasteful youths

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Mary Worth, 11/3/17

OK, I know I touched on this briefly before, but for real, I went back and checked, and there have been literally only two Mary Worth plots since the great Zak-Iris romance of late ’16/early ’17: “Dawn The Accidental Summer-Internship Adulterer” and “The Sexy, Dangerous Cruise,” and neither of them by their own internal logic could have taken more than a few weeks of in-strip time. That means that we’re expected to believe that Zak spent maybe a summer developing his game and then getting enough venture funding to build a company around it. This is theoretically possible, but it sure doesn’t speak well of his business acumen that he chose to give both his game and his company a name that sounds like “Zak? Ick!”

Dennis the Menace, 11/3/17

A little kid gushing about how pretty his mom is in vaguely Oedipal fashion? Kinda menacing. A little kid learning pick-up artist techniques from Reddit and “negging” his mom? MENACE LEVELS OFF THE CHARTS

Six Chix, 11/3/17

“He’s a gross young man and I spend as little time with him as possible!”

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The Limpin’ Lothario, they call him

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Gil Thorp, 11/1/17

OH SNAP IT’S THE SHOCKING MID-SEASON GIL THORP TWIST!!! See, we all thought Rick was going to get a concussion like his Uncle Gary was so worried about, but nope, he just got a “classic” sprained ankle, “classic” because that’s the sort of injury football players used to get, back when men were men, you know? Nobody complained about poor widdle babies getting concussions back in the day, probably because people were tougher and hadn’t been pussified by liberals and feminism, or maybe because concussions and brain injuries were harder to diagnose with older medical techniques and thousands suffered for reasons they never fully understood, who can say. Anyway, the good news is, while a traumatic brain injury would probably interfere with Rick’s promising YouTube singing career, a sprained ankle will only serve as a solid gimmick to help him stand out from the pack as “Gimpy Golden-Voiced Rick Soto, Modern-Day Crooner.”

Mary Worth, 11/1/17

In Iris’s cold calculus, a man can be hot, rich, age-appropriate, and/or Wilbur, and he needs to match at least two of those qualities to be her boyfriend. So, good news for Zak! He seems so different now, possibly because they’ve entered some murky parallel dimension where everything is purple and also traditional morals and values are inverted and Mary will advise her to definitely link herself to the sexy game-designing millionaire and convince him to cash in before the stock inevitably tanks.

Mark Trail, 11/1/17

LITTLE KNOWN FACT: When “black box” devices are recovered from crashed aircraft, more 90 percent of the time the final words recorded in the cockpit are “It is getting harder to control the plane!”

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Crimes ‘n’ computers

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The Phantom, 10/29/17

Oh, hey, remember this guy? The one who was all hyped to get out of jail after ratting out his former partner? Well, it turns out the warden doesn’t like rats and his fellow prisoners don’t like rats and his former partner definitely doesn’t like rats so it sure seems like his plan is not working out so great! Now I guess some wizened other prisoner who once long ago got punched out by the Phantom is … ratting out the rat? Does the Phantom like rats? Does he like meta-rats who rat out other rats? He seems generally pretty humorless and unforgiving so I assume he likes none of them, but let’s stay tuned to find out!

Mary Worth, 10/29/17

The third funniest thing about Zak’s sudden reappearance is that they’re treating this like he and Iris haven’t seen each other in ages and they’ve really moved along in their life paths since, when actually we last saw him in the strip like eight months ago, which I think translates to about a week and a half in strip time.

The second funniest thing about Zak’s return is the Mary Worth creative team’s apparently belief that, once someone drops out of college to strike it rich in a tech field like game design, they would of course get a haircut and start wearing a suit.

The funniest thing about Zak’s return is that he is definitely not anywhere near smart enough to be a game designer.