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Hi and Lois, 2/22/18

I’ve always understood the “mood” in “mood music” to be arousal, and that the point of “mood music” is to get one or more parties in the “mood” for sex. So I’m sad to report that Hi has so lost his sense of joie de vivre that he now needs musical assistance to follow through with one of his great joys in life: jerking off to Golf magazine and then falling asleep on the couch.

Mary Worth, 2/22/18

I guess we’re going to do this thing where Mary and Ted continue to talk as if they’re having a normal business conversation while Mary slowly but methodically shatters all the bones in his wrist, and I frankly am here for it!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/22/18

Literally this entire week of Rex Morgan, M.D., has been a bunch of teenagers talking about eating lunch, so you’d think by the time they finally got to the climactic panel where a teen bites into a sandwich, they’d be ready to make it look like a normal human would look biting into a fully edible sandwich made of normal sandwich materials. Turns out nope!

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Mark Trail, 2/20/18

Oh, man, sorry I haven’t been keeping you up to date on Mark Trail, but the short version of the story is that, after showering his giraffe-seeing son and monkey-riding-ostrich-seeing father-in-law with amused contempt and probably not even hearing about the nice campers who got attacked by a rhino, Mark finally saw a tiger with his own eyes and now all of the sudden the situation is very serious indeed and he needs to take charge of it! Based on Mark’s grim facial expression and his determination to stockpile on ammo, look for the tone of the strip to rapidly shift from “zany farce with wacky circus animals” to “gritty Assault on Precinct 13-style seige drama, with wacky circus animals.”

Mary Worth, 2/20/18

This Mary Worth plot about Ted Miller, sex creep, is doing a good job of simulating having professional dealings with an actual sex creep, in the sense that you have to sit through a lot of boring professional talk on edge wondering when the next hug that lingers right up to the edge of plausible deniability is going to abruptly arrive. Until then, though, I guess we should go back to the extremely improbable story of Mary as a muffin maven, a story that starts with her selling a plate of five muffins at Aileen’s Grocery and ends with everyone involved a millionaire! This story obviously requires Ted to wedge himself onto the loveseat with Mary to tell it, so she can feel the power of his narrative.

Pluggers, 2/20/18

A PLUGGER ONLY HUGS SOMETHING

AFTER HE KILLS IT

AND CHOPS IT UP WITH AN AXE

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Mary Worth, 2/14/18

Hmm, it seems that Mary, normally so firm in her boundaries, has internalized the pernicious idea that she has no right to her own bodily autonomy! Mere seconds after being visibly alarmed by Ted’s lingering frotteurist farewell and then essentially yelling him out the door, she already tries to normalize the experience in her own mind by dismissing Ted as a mere “character.” Who is going to raise her consciousness? Candidates are thin on the ground. Tobey? Dawn? My guess is Iris, who will return the favor Mary did in giving her permission to pursue Zak by explaining what it’s like being with a woke bae who knows all about consent and is also extremely hot and rich.

Dick Tracy, 2/14/18

Meanwhile, Dick Tracy is pulling away from showing us a literal alien invasion of earth and moving on to a much more exciting storyline: a man with goofy hair plans to purchase an off-brand Chili’s!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/14/18

Every Valentine’s Day, Loweezy has to indulge Snuffy’s kink of having sex in a boat, and she is not feeling it this year.

Six Chix, 2/14/18

HEY MAN MAYBE THE BICHON WOULDN’T HAVE LEFT YOU IF YOU HADN’T TRIED TO POISON HER