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Mary Worth and Judge Parker, 2/15/17

It’s interesting to me that the stereotypical, cartoonish drawing of tears has them coming out of the outer corners of your eyes, when human anatomy ensures that they’re much more likely to come out by our noses in real life. That’s how we know that Iris, with her messy, confusing motivations and emotions, is fully, gloriously human, and “Sophie” actually died in that car wreck and had her brain implanted into an android duplicate by her mysterious kidnapper. Her mysterious kidnapper who … she is maybe talking about today, for the first time? Her programming is malfunctioning!

Funky Winkerbean, 2/15/17

Haha, so, yesterday I joked about how the DMV was going to murder Funky, but today it’s like … it’s going to happen, and he wants them to do it. He’s egging them on. Last week he made his peace with death and now he wants it over with. This is suicide by cop, except it’s suicide by low-level bureaucrat and awful, awful wordplay.

Family Circus, 2/15/17

OH NO JEFFY KILLED A BUSINESS MAN AND RITUALLY STRIPPED HIM OF HIS SACRED GARMENTS TO GAIN HIS TOTEMIC POWER

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Mary Worth, 2/14/17

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY EVERYBODY! The romance addicts over at Mary Worth are celebrating this very special holiday of romantic love by, uh, having one of its characters bawl her eyes out because she just dumped her hot young boyfriend for no good reason. My favorite thing about this strip is that Mary counseled Iris not once but twice on this issue, coming down on the side of “Yeah, you should definitely date a hot young guy if that feels right to you,” and yet seems to have no idea who Iris might be talking about in panel one. Look, Mary is busy, OK? Mary is dealing with someone keeps writing the same letter to Ask Wendy over and over and over again; she can’t be expected to keep track of which hot young dudes her neighbors may or may not be currently fucking.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/14/17

Rex Morgan is still spinning a tale about selling old horror comics at Comic-Con, which, boring, but I guess the strip remembered it’s supposed to do medical stuff at least occasionally? So, here it is: red-hot dehydration action! You’ll beg for more old horror comics sales!

Funky Winkerbean, 2/14/17

Funky spent all last week at his lawyer’s office making out his will and spiraling into endless anxiety about his upcoming death. Today he learned exactly how he’s going to meet his demise: he accidentally let his driver’s license expire, so the DMV is going to murder him. Not a moment too soon, in my opinion!

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Beetle Bailey, 2/12/17

I think anyone reading this blog at this point is pretty aware that daily strips are colored for online publication by syndicate hired hands (with sometimes hilarious results) while Sunday strips are colored by the actual artists. Beetle Bailey, though, has a problem that dates back to print: Miss Buxley’s dress has always been colored solid black in the dailies, leaving us with the canonical image of her coming to work every day in a classic little black cocktail dress. It’s only during her occasional Sunday appearances that we learn that her dress is actually supposed to be red. Red! Really shifts the whole vibe, doesn’t it? Unless we’re meant to believe that she usually wears black but has put on red today because it’s “casual Friday.” Honestly, it’s kind of odd that Miss Buxley doesn’t have a separate date outfit that she’s changed into after she came home from work. It’s also kind of odd that Beetle and General Halftrack are wearing their uniforms off duty, though since the strip’s military is stuck in a Korean War-era mode I guess that’s not terribly surprising. The general at least changed up his facial expression, from workplace wistfulness to date night suicidal despair!

Mark Trail, 2/12/17

Hey, kids, did you know that there’s more to nature than just alive things? Did you know that there are also … rocks? Some of those rocks are pretty! Some of those pretty rocks are right in the ground! Some of the people who own the ground will let you dig for the pretty rocks! Go ahead, rent a front loader and just start digging! The ground owner won’t mind, probably!

Mary Worth, 2/12/17

IT’S NOT TOO LATE IRIS

YOU HAVEN’T COMMITTED TO ANYTHING YET

IT’S NOT TOO LAAAAAAAAATE