Archive: Mary Worth

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Shoe, 1/18/16

Last week I was on the I Haven’t Seen That podcast, a very funny and exciting podcast hosted by Whitney Reynolds and Mark Popham, and we talked newspaper comics, among other things, and it was interesting to see what people do and don’t pick up from the comics. For instance, Mark claimed that, despite reading Shoe regularly, he never realized that its damned bird-men characters work at a newspaper! But they do, and that newspaper apparently runs restaurant reviews, which is curious because the only places where we ever see the bird-people eating out are Roz’s, the sad ’70s fern bar, and I think maybe a fancy white-cloth restaurant with a snooty French waiter? Anyway, there’s three of them, tops, so I assume that each one is reviewed about once a month or so, which the Perfesser’s look of crushing ennui confirms. “Ugggh, what to write about Roz’s this time … old people? Old drunk people? A review for old drunk people? Sounds about right.”

Mary Worth, 1/18/16

You’d think a “professional bakery kitchen” would sound pretty dull even to a known square like Olive, but the alternative seems to be putting together a completely white jigsaw puzzle with Mary while enjoying cookies and water, so you can see why she’s jumping at the opportunity.

Heathcliff, 1/18/16

This is a joke about how Heathcliff and his girlfriend are going to engage in some pharmaceutically-enhanced fucking right here on this couple’s lawn! They brought props, to taunt them with! Let’s hear it for Heathcliff, and for newspaper features editors who just don’t care anymore!

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Dennis the Menace, 1/15/16

Ah, Dennis, never letting any of us forget that every day we’re the oldest we’ve ever been, every day our youth slips further and further behind us, every day is another step in the ceaseless march towards death. A+ menacing, old chum.

Family Circus, 1/15/16

Billy, meanwhile, comes up far short in today’s Towheaded Child Philosophizing In One Panel competition. You run it under water and rub it a little, jackass. Really looking forward to more of your lame-ass comedy stylings tomorrow, when you’ll stand out in the driveway wonder aloud why you park there instead of out on the parkway, it really makes you think.

Mary Worth, 1/15/16

Look, I’ve been doing this for, what, eleven and a half years now, and you know that Mary Worth is my North Star, right? It’s the thing without which this here blog wouldn’t have happened. I know this is an insane comparison, but David Bowie died earlier this week, an event that (and I only realized this the moment I heard about it) I assumed would never come, and it really brought home the fact that all things are ephemeral. We lost Apartment 3-G just a few months ago, so let’s … let’s just enjoy this. Let’s just enjoy a meddling old woman offering to buy a shiny new watch for a girl who has psychic powers in her tummy brain, and the little girl being so excited because, you know, Macy’s! What little girl doesn’t dream of someday owning one of the many fine timepieces Macy’s sells? Let’s just drink it in. We’re not going to have it forever.

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Mary Worth, 1/11/16

A good way to tell the difference between an actual human child and one or more small alien beings using a human-shaped meatsack as a disguise is the way they talk. For instance, do they start a sentence with the phrase “Being a kid” and end it with “window shopping”? Then they probably aren’t actually a kid. Anyway, it’s nice to see that Mary is going to reward Olive (or GleepGlorp 7, whoever) for giving a dollar to a homeless guy with an extravagant spending spree at New York’s finest, dowdiest boutiques.

Spider-Man, 1/11/16

Usually Newspaper Spider-Man is the dumbest guy in any given situation, but let’s give a shout-out to Namor, who has abandoned his plan to win his war against the surface dwellers by destroying New York with a nigh-unstoppable flying submarine, and instead will just be fighting a one-man battle against Spider-Man, which seems like a slightly less viable long-term strategy for conquest. In his favor, literally everyone assumes Spider-Man will lose.

Dick Tracy, 1/11/16

Ok, I know cute on-the-nose names are very much the core of Dick Tracy’s #brand, but “Spicy Condiment” is a bridge too God-damned far, my friends. How does it even relate to her character design? With her gleaming teeth, shouldn’t she be named “Minty Fresh” or something? This bothers me so much.