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Gil Thorp, 2/2/15

Oh my gosh, I was wrong and Gil Thorp really is doing a Very Important Drug story! The drug in question is Adderall, which is about as intense and Important as Gil Thorp can handle, I guess. This all assumes that that I’m interpreting “I want some!” correctly. Maybe Max Bacon™ is asking to be infected with ADHD to improve his basketball play, which would indicate that he profoundly misunderstands the disorder in a number of distinct ways.

Mark Trail, 2/2/15

Despite having read Mark Trail daily for more than a decade, I honestly couldn’t tell you whether Mark is one of those action heroes for whom refusing to pull a gun on someone is part of his shtick. But assuming he’s not, I’m reading panel one as him cautiously feeling out his new ally. “Yeah, so they’ve definitely got guns, so … I’m just spitballing here, but … maybe … you’ve got some firearms … back at your isolated hunting hut? No? Okay then! Well, we shouldn’t have a problem sneaking up on them in this flat-bottom! Ha ha! Yeah, this is going to go great.”

Mary Worth, 2/2/15

I haven’t really featured any of the strips where Hanna’s annoying daughter Amy has disapproved of her relationship with Sean, probably because they’ve been pretty boring, but trust me when I tell you that Hanna’s annoying daughter Amy disapproves of her relationship with Sean. And now Hanna’s going to ask some random lady she barely knows to be her witness! That’ll show her ungrateful offspring, who primarily uses Hanna as a free babysitting service! As the cruel look on her face in panel one makes clear, Hanna is getting married for the best possible reason: revenge.

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Mary Worth, 2/1/15

The Fates were an eerie presence in the Greek religious world: older than the Olympian gods, in some tellings, and outside of their control, they implacably marked out the time we had on Earth, and were worshipped in shrines in underground caves. It stands to reason that Mary Worth would be among their number. Go, Hanna! Propitiate her! Give thanks to her, lest she surreptitiously cut your string too soon to allow you to enjoy your newfound love with Sean!

Marvin, 2/1/15

I was actually pleasantly surprised and intrigued that Marvin did a Mark Trail-style nature education strip today! I was unpleasantly unsurprised when it devolved into a joke about Marvin stewing in a diaper full of his own feces, much to everyone’s disgust.

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Heathcliff, 1/28/15

I know, I just discussed this a few weeks ago, but for real, what is the deal with Heathcliff’s garbage? The city dump is filled entirely with great mounds of viscous, chunky brown trash-slurry, which no doubt quiver gelatinously and put out a horrifying odor that serves as a cat-aphrodisiac, much to the disgust of our garbage man and his cigar-sucking pal. Presumably this strip takes place only moments after they tossed an old tire and shopping cart up onto the goo-heap, in an attempt to pretend that what was happening on their watch wasn’t nightmarish and potentially human-extinction-causing.

Apartment 3-G, 1/28/15

Whew, Margo and her waitress are now … inside … somewhere … where there’s a bowl of pears and a TV and/or microwave and some coffee cups and hotel-quality art and dresser/cabinets of some sort and shall we call it a cafe? Sure, why not. Plus she’s finally got her breakfast. Eggs over easy, bacon, toast, pancakes, and apple pie, all mashed together into off-white chunks and put in a bowl, just the way she likes it!

Mary Worth, 1/28/15

OH SNAP SEAN JUST BACK-HANDEDLY PROPOSED TO HANNA!!!! This is probably the least romantic comics proposal since Anthony and Elizabeth came to the consensus that their friend-partnership should be upgraded way back in aught-eight. Nothing says “will you marry me” like “I know we haven’t talked about it yet but I’ve already been dreading what a pain in the ass our wedding is going to be”!

Dennis the Menace, 1/28/15

This mysterious woman with glasses and a clipboard, searching through kindergarten recess for signs of nonconformity, is the most menacing figure to appear in this strip in years.