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The blandest little prophet

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Mary Worth, 6/28/14

Mary is taking an interesting tack in dealing with little Olive’s supposed revelations: rather than dismissing them outright and telling her she’s crazy, she’s smoothing down the edges, encouraging her to take the wisdom she’s receiving directly from the Divine and recasting it in the language of a Hallmark card. “Dear, I’ve never had my soul burned by the otherworldly glow of a being from a transcendent plane to whom we would seem to be mere insects, but I still believe we could all do better if we just try a little harder!” she says, as she fills a pie crust with ice chips for some reason.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/28/14

Under most screenwriting contracts, the writer is actually paid in multiple steps: this first and largest chunk is sent upon delivery, but there are additional payments designated for the expected rewrite and polishing work that every screenplay goes through. So, in other words, Les is literally being paid thousands of dollars to write while being put up in one of Hollywood’s most exclusive and storied hotels. Don’t you feel terrible for him?

Wizard of Id, 6/28/14

Do you think “board” is some ancient but still legitimate synonym for “hump,” or was it just the end product of a long and tortuous negotiation between the author and the syndicate about leg-humping euphemisms?

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Sexy Sunday

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Mary Worth, 6/22/14

Oops, here’s the real sad story behind Olive’s neglectful parents: they don’t have time to figure out how important li’l Olive’s visions are because they’re too busy having sex! Mary’s passive-aggressive criticism of this will be amazing.

Judge Parker, 6/22/14

Speaking of having sex, everyone in Judge Parker is about to have sex! I’d say this is survival sex, that the adrenaline that was pumping through everyone’s veins during the near-violet confrontation with the Gardia brother has left them all in a heightened and aroused state, but let’s be real: these are Spencer-Drivers-Parkers. They were never in any danger and they knew it.

Panels from Dennis the Menace, 6/22/14

I think … Dennis just taunted his dad for neglecting his mother, sexually? Not sexy at all, actually, but extremely menacing.

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Soapy Friday

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Judge Parker, 6/20/14

Good news, everyone! Everyone’s shared love for Judge Parker Senior’s unreadable book has helped broker a truce between warring factions, and now the wedding reception can continue. Now we can focus on the important questions, like: did Randy get married in a mint green suit? For real?

Mary Worth, 6/20/14

Wow, this is a disappointing revelation on a number of levels. First, it seems kind of lame that the heavenly prophecy Olive received was just “don’t go near the pool, kid.” But even worse is how casual she seems about it. “Mommy, mommy, a glowing, heavenly messenger of the divine with huge, terrifying wings came down from heaven and whispered in my ear and told me never to go swimming!” “That’s nice, dear. Say, do you want to take swimming lessons?” “Enh, maybe, let me think about it.”

Mark Trail, 6/20/14

Welp, looks like Woods and Wildlife’s expose on rhino poaching has been derailed because their African contact has been kidnapped or killed or something. But don’t worry, Mark’s glommed his way onto some white couple’s safari, so he’ll be coming back with a bunch of wildlife pictures that look exactly like the wildlife pictures available from wire services or Wikipedia. He’ll still be expensing the whole trip, of course.