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Funky Winkerbean, 5/4/13

Oh, man, Darrin’s bio-dad is just not going to give up on his mission of assholery, is he? I have literally no idea what he thinks is going to happen if he goes public with the knowledge that Dead Lisa had sex as a teenager and had a kid and gave it up for adoption. Will the Westview citizenry gather in the town square and ritually burn all copies of Lisa’s Story, as is the accepted fate for Whore Literature? Fools, they already bought the books, and Les already got paid! You bought the book too, Darrin-bio-dad! You bought it in hardcover!

Mary Worth, 5/4/13

Haha, awesome first date strategy, Tom. “I know how to eat better! I just didn’t bother because I didn’t care if I lived or died! I wanted to commit suicide the slowest, most passive-aggressive way possible. But after one trip to the grocery store, one awkward dinner with your mom and some random old lady in our apartment building, and 10 minutes of orange food prep, I know I want to live! You’re the only one keeping me alive, Beth! NEVER LEAVE THIS ROOM OR I’LL KILL MYSELF WITH A VEGETABLE PEELER I SWEAR TO GOD”

Herb and Jamaal, 5/4/13

Herb’s mother-in-law lives with his family and works at the soul food restaurant he runs with Jamaal, but we don’t really know much about her social life. Did she always live in this town, or did she uproot herself from her social networks to come here? Does she have a circle of friends her own age that she spends time with? Are they the ones that she apparently got hella drunk with last night?

Spider-Man, 5/4/13

I mean, we’re all imagining Kingpin speaking in a gravelly, menacing voice, dramatically stretched out over two panels, right? “Now, and only now, it’s time — to awaken Spider-Man! …in the dullest, most pedestrian way possible, by splashing him with water out of a mid-sized Rubbermaid container. HAHA, I was soaking my sore feet in this all afternoon, the water is totally gross! Take that, wall-crawler!”

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Mary Worth, 4/30/13

Oh my goodness, you guys, it looks like we are about to get Mary Worth’s version of the immovable object/unstoppable force problem! You see, on the one hand, the thing that Mary likes more than anything else is seeing young people matched up into happily heteronormative couples — particularly couples like Tom and Beth, who she has selected for eternal happiness with her inscrutable Mary Powers. ON THE OTHER HAND, there is nothing Mary Worth hates more than lies and dishonesty. But what if the only way to ensure that Beth and Tom could get to know each other better, in a romantic but wholesome way, would involve Mary lying? What path will she choose? I sure hope she chooses lying, because (a) Mary lying, even in the cause of love, should be delightfully awkward, made even more so by the fact that (b) Mary, Tom, and Beth’s mom Elinor all live in the same condo complex, so there’s a good chance that the lying will take the following form:

MARY answers the door. ELINOR is standing in the hall.

ELINOR: Have you seen my daughter Beth? I’m worried that she’s whoring herself over at that man-slut Tom’s apartment.

MARY: Oh-h-h-h, of course not, Elinor! Beth is here in my apartment tonight.

ELINOR: Oh. Can I come in and see her?

MARY: No.

ELINOR: Why not?

MARY: [Stands silently, smiling, for a long time, like, a really long time, things get uncomfortable real fast but she just keeps standing there silently, forever]

Crock, 4/30/13

Well might Grossie’s Friend Whose Name I Forget (sigh, sadly “Grossie” is a name that will never, ever leave my brain) look dubious in panel three. If Grossie is so good at spotting plastic surgery from so far away, shouldn’t she notice her tablemate’s nose, pointing up at an impossibly taut angle, presumably being held in place by some kind of industrial-strength facelift technology?

Marvin, 4/30/13

This week’s “Marvin does variations on a dumb joke all week” involves the li’l scamp uploading “feet photos” onto Facebook. Can someone confirm or deny to me that this is an actual thing that people do? I tried Googling “feet photos Facebook” and got some extremely traumatizing results so I had to go take a walk and not look at the computer for a while.

(Side note: remember when CrySpace was the baby-themed social network of choice in the Marvinverse, back in 2009? I guess we can’t pretend that MySpace is relevant enough to be spoofed anymore. Not that we could pretend this in 2009 either, but you know.)

Shoe, 4/30/13

Ha ha, wouldn’t it be funny if they made an Indiana Jones movie in the modern day, with Harrison Ford playing the title role, even though he is an old man? Wait, what? In 2008, you say? Huh.

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Hi and Lois, 4/26/13

Man, I have never seen Hi looking as soul-dead as he does in the first panel. “Yeah, driver’s ed, whatever, why don’t you just ease your foot off the brake, Chip, why don’t you just let the car drift into the intersection, God, I’m exhausted. Or just gun it, just gun it right into traffic. Let me feel something, let me feel something one last time, even if it’s a thousand pounds of steel and glass crashing into me, at least it’s something, at least I can feel it.”

Archie, 4/26/13

I honestly don’t get the impression that Veronica is critical about Archie’s clothes — Society Lady Of Indeterminate Age isn’t being particularly judge-y about them or anything — as she is just generally embarrassed by his whole deal. Or maybe she’s specifically upset by how smug he looks in panel two. “Why yes, Veronica Lodge does occasionally tolerate my presence, pleased to meet you, ma’am.”

Funky Winkerbean, 4/26/13

“Don’t worry, Dad, we know you and mom were too horrified at the very thought of sex to try to give me any useful advice, so we talked to my dying birth mother instead. Or did you figure it was just dumb luck that we’d managed to be together since high school and never have a baby? On an unrelated note, Jess and I have watched insane amounts of Internet pornography since the time we were teenagers. Enjoy thinking about that, trapped in your immobile body-prison!”

Mary Worth, 4/26/13

Okay okay Tom don’t tell her that you spend all day alone in your apartment aching for human contact any human contact but afraid to talk to anybody don’t tell don’t tell don’t tell THANKS FOR GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE IN MY CAR WE USED LESS GAS THAT WAY yeah that went well I think that went really really well