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Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/15/24

Welp, I guess we’ve finally wrung all the narrative content we can out of Rene getting extremely injured and also involuntarily reunited with his beloved hated family, so it’s time for a … thrilling new adventure! The last storyline didn’t get into medical stuff too much (other than the aforementioned terrible injury at the end), so I’m excited to see that this strip has the guts to tackle the important question of whether microwave ovens beam CIA mind control rays into your brain to keep you subdued and compliant. You should be heating that coffee up over an open fire like our primitive ancestors did, Count! Or at least wear your tinfoil skullshield!

Shoe 2/15/24

The Perfesser is, of course, very depressed, possibly the most depressed out of all the depressed bird-men of Shoe. It’s particularly sad that the only way he can feel pleasure anymore is to taunt someone else who’s feeling down. Look at his face in that first panel! “Oh, is someone nearby sad for a specific reason, rather than just suffocating under the crushing weight of generalized ennui? Well, do I have a bon mot for him!”

Mary Worth, 2/15/24

Speaking of depression, this is a pretty grim look at Keith’s inner life right now. He used to be a guy with a family, who earned fun meals like pizza and root beer! Now he’s alone again, and all he deserves is bacon, eggs, and black coffee. Also Mary’s about to show up at his door, and that’s not going to help.

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Arctic Circle, 2/14/24

Arctic Circle is usually a strip about climate change and other environmental issues, but on this special day of St. Valentine, it boldly poses the question: Could a human who is horny for penguins and a penguin horny for people find love, on an app? And could their hybrid children carry penguin DNA into a future in which the ice caps have all melted and full-blooded penguins go extinct? Let’s carry this beautiful dream into 2024!

Blondie, 2/14/24

Sorry, I know this is supposed to be “cute” but all I can experience is utter revulsion at what the consistency of that steak sauce must be in order for it to hold its shape like that. It’s like fucking toothpaste, the nastiest toothpaste you’ve ever seen. I know Dagwood’s appetites are born in the darkest nightmares of our subconscious, but this is too much even this strip.

Mary Worth, 2/14/24

Most of today’s strips were supposed to be “fun” “romantic” Valentine’s Day strips, and Arctic Circle and Blondie were honestly the best of the lot. (Not one but two strips did jokes about male praying mantises dipping their heads in chocolate so their lovers would enjoy eating them, after sex.) But only Mary Worth dares to look at the dark side of romance on this day, and tells us that sometimes you think a girl is your long-lost daughter and so you rekindle your sexual relationship with her mom but then you find out the kid isn’t yours and so you gradually start fading out and eventually ghost her. That’s why this strip is #1! Read and learn, losers!

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Crock, 2/11/24

You know, some days I open up the ol’ comics in my newspaper web browser and think, “After all these years on this blog, do I truly have anything new to say?” But then I realize that Crock contains one of the many Crockian elements that annoy me — the tendency to generically call all the enlisted men under Crock’s command “trooper” — and I finally take the initiative go look up the names of the ranks in the French Foreign Legion and discover that, in fact, their equivalent of a private is given the rank of “légionnaire.” Why wouldn’t they be calling them this in this strip? You’re the only newspaper comic strip set in the French Foreign Legion, please lean into it! Why else do you think people are even reading you? Trust me, it’s not for the jokes.

Six Chix, 2/11/24

“Wait, why is this guy green?” you’re probably asking, like a simpleton. Uh, hello? Some sicko in San Francisco just removed his head from his neck, and then removed his neck entirely, and then affixed his head directly to his shoulders? My dude definitely died during that process, which is why, just like the classic Universal Pictures design of Frankenstein’s Monster, he’s green, because that’s what color a shambling collection of rotting corpse parts is. Can’t believe I still have to explain this to you people.

Panels from Beetle Bailey, 2/11/24

Something extremely sinister is happening in the throwaway panels of Beetle Bailey. “I’m so close to convincing the platoon that the world is slowly dying and the only solution is mass suicide. Hopefully they won’t notice — ah, damn it! Curse Zero’s eternal optimism and functioning clock!”

Dick Tracy, 2/11/24

Aw, looks like Sam’s gone back to visit his old popski at the family diner. And just in time to keep his dad from poisoning yet another one of his customers!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/11/24

“I never could’ve imagined this outcome. It’s wild, huh? Surprises? Arbitrary revelations for which no groundwork has been laid? This is what people enjoy in narrative, right? They find this satisfying?”

Mary Worth, 2/11/24

Oh, no! Sonia isn’t Keith’s daughter after all! Who could’ve possibly predicted? Oh, right, all of us. Obviously what’s going to happen is that Keith isn’t going to tell anybody this and will just continue to treat Sonia as the daughter he never knew because That’s What A Hero He Is, but I think it would be very funny if today’s quote is a hint that his emotional devastation is going to lead to a mescaline binge.