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Slylock Fox, 7/17/11

Oh, Slylock, it’s really getting to be kind of a compulsion with you, isn’t it? You could have just gone over to the two chatty she-beavers and asked, “Excuse me, are one of you Benny’s wife?” Or, even better, you could have just gotten your hands dirty for once and helped find the contact lens yourself. (Max is helping! For once, the dumb detective stereotype magnifying glass you guys haul around with you is useful!) But no, you’ve gotta be all “Ah! Benny, don’t tell me which of those ladies is your wife, because I can figure it out myself … with logic!” You’re impressing nobody, do you know that? You’re impressing nobody.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/17/11

You’ll notice that I’ve ignored Rex Morgan for a whole month, because it’s involved boring old people and their liver transplants rather than the sexy mom/sexy daughter drama we were promised. At last, we’re finding our way back to these two … only to discover that their family dynamic also involves a hilariously belligerent punk rocker! This is just more proof that we need to focus on this storyline and only this storyline, from here on in.

Mary Worth, 7/17/11

Please, Dr. Jeff, do you honestly expect to win Mary’s hand in marriage while standing upright? You’ll need to get down and do this in the traditional manner if you want to have a chance. Sure, Mary knows all about your crippling knee pain, but, look, do you want to marry her or not?

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Dick Tracy, 7/15/11

I hate to criticize the new Dick Tracy team, who I think do a great job in terms of art and tone, and are clearly huge fans of the Dick Tracy mythos; however, much of their early work has consisted of endless callbacks to what I assume are beloved characters from the past, making the whole thing kind of baffling to the uninitiated. At least I feel confident in guessing that this so-called “Mr. Crime” is a criminal of some sort; I’m also reasonably certain that he’s a lizard-man.

Mary Worth, 7/15/11

Oh ho ho, it looks like Dr. Jeff hasn’t given up in his continued quest to make Mary the next Mrs. Dr. Jeff, and he knows there’s nobody more marriageable as a tuxedo’d gent who’s just raised a lot of money for charity. Be warned, sir: you know what happens when people put on bow ties to win Mary’s heart? They end up dead.

Gil Thorp, 7/15/11

Gil Thorp’s summer golf storyline has been as dull as you might expect, featuring teens flirting as they learn about our most boring summer sport. So you can imagine the relief I felt when I arrived at panel three and discovered that some cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers are about to make an appearance.

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Luann, 7/12/11

I’ve been reading Luann long enough to recognize that when there’s a nameplate sitting on a desk in the third panel with a name written in more or less legible Chicago font, it’s supposed to be meaningful; however, I haven’t been reading long enough to know who “Ann Eiffel” is. Quick, to the Luann Wikipedia page! Said Wikipedia page is of course ludicrously over-detailed and has already provided plenty of fodder for the Wikipedia-themed Tumblr I help run; however, I shouldn’t knock it, because it provided the crucial information that Ann is a sex predator of indeterminate romantic orientation, having been fired from her bookstore-management job because of her lustful obsession with Bernice and/or Zane (Zane being Bernice’s wheelchair-bound love interest, circa 2002). Combine that with the way she lingers over “appreciative” in panel two and I think we all know that we have Brad WeenieWorld Harass-O-Thon ’11 ahead of us, which I cannot even tell you how excited I am about it.

Opening discussion question for Brad WeenieWorld Harass-O-Thon ’11: Is it easier to sexually harass people at WeenieWorld than at other companies, because you could always plausibly claim that all your inappropriate weenie-themed remarks were in fact work related?

Blondie, 7/12/11

My favorite part about this cartoon is that Blondie is just hanging out inside, chattering on the phone, letting all the numerologically fixated lovebirds stew out in the heat. It’s even funnier because, seeing as Blondie and Tootsie are the only Blondie’s Catering employees, I’m assuming that they’re only going to be able to cater the wedding for the first couple in line.

Mark Trail, 7/12/11

See, this is what happens when you overuse bold in your word balloons: when Sheriff Whatshisface finally realizes that his son was the Moccasin Thief all along, the only way his hurt and betrayal can be properly expressed is through yellow lettering. Yellow: the color of paternal heartbreak.

Mary Worth, 7/12/11

At first I though Jeff was putting together a spreadsheet to prove with science and numbers that Mary should marry him. But in fact it appears that he’s long ago given up that hope, and now is only focused on how lucrative her meddling powers are.

Ziggy, 7/12/11

Oh, Ziggy, I think your goldfish is quite well aware of the mammalian nature of whales (or, as fish call them, “warm-blooded sea-frauds”). I think that evil grin is there because he fervently believes that the man-whale battle depicted in Moby Dick is just the opening salvo in an intra-mammal civil war that will allow the fish to pick up the pieces and rule supreme in the Neo-Devonian golden age.

Ballard Street, 7/12/11

I’m pretty sure this is the first time an actual puddle of urine has been depicted on the comics pages. I would have guessed that Marvin would the be perpetrator.

Beetle Bailey, 7/12/11

The easiest way to get me to stop making jokes about Beetle Bailey’s Beetle-and-Sarge-are-lovers subtext: turn it into Beetle-and-Sarge-are-lovers text. Boring!

6 Chix, 7/12/11

Meanwhile, in Six Chix, some lady is giving a genie a handjob.