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Mary Worth, 11/16/08

Could this be Mary’s most complex and multilayered meddle yet? As our protagonist openly disparages Frank’s parenting/coaching style and instills thoughts of independence in Lynn’s head, she’s clearly set events in motion that can only end in tears, and murder (not necessarily in that order).

I really and sincerely hope that, as the dialog balloon in panel one seems to indicate, Mary actually said “Knock! Knock!” aloud rather than physically rapping her knuckles on Lynn’s door. Also, this strip indicates the extent to which Lynn’s will has been broken; any person with a healthy sense of self would react to the vision in panel two with either wild gunfire or terrified flight into the woods.

Beetle Bailey, 11/16/08

Even with my standards for Beetle Bailey being as low as they are, I have to say that I find Sarge’s cavalcade of vaguely ethnic disguises confusing and unsettling. The fake Frenchman is at least speaking real French, and it does seem likely that a genuine cowboy would know at least a smattering of Spanish, but that clown is creeping me out. Why is he spouting Fred Flinstone’s beloved and almost certainly trademarked catchphrase? And why does he say “thank you” in what appears to be pidgin Italian? Does the author think that Italians are all cartoon-obsessed clowns? Because that would be one of the most obscure ethnic stereotypes trotted out in living memory.

Slylock Fox, 11/16/08

The answer to today’s puzzle is far too small for me to read — I’m assuming it involves boring old science — but I’m frankly less concerned about what Slylock and Max will drink than with what they’ll eat. The fish skeleton on the shore indicates what their first island-side dinner consisted of; the way the tentacles of the no doubt anthropomorphic octopus in the stewpot appear to still be wriggling as the castaways’ makeshift fire boils it alive is profoundly unsettling. That sea turtle will be the next into the pot, followed no doubt by Max himself.

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Mark Trail, 11/13/08

You know that things in Mark Trail are about to get especially awesome when Mark strides into the midst of a gang of rowdy, bloodthirsty hillbillies, armed with nothing but his fists, his self-righteousness, and bold font. The last time he walked willingly into such a hornet’s nest of rustic hate was when he rescued Andy from a backwoods petnapping compound; first he declared his intentions to spring his beloved dog in front of armed hicks, then absorbed a kick to the groin and proceeded to toss his overalled nemesis to the pigs. Today, the clan of sinister yokels he faces is even more numerous, but Mark cares nothing for the odds, and will save yet another pet from yet another terrible fate.

The key part is that it’s a pet (or a PET, as Mark puts it). Wild raccoons: you are on your own, and will do battle with dogs to delight the rednecks for the foreseeable future. It’s nature’s way!

The real punchline of this story will come after Mark returns to the cabin in triumph to bring Sneaky home. Unable to sate the bloodlust he worked up while chained to that log, he’ll drown his beloved family in the bathtub. Mark will find their half-devoured corpses months later when he stops by to visit, and then Sue will finally be able to build that strip mall.

Mary Worth, 11/13/08

There are so many things wrong with Mary’s self-appointed mission as a relentless meddler, but here’s the wrongest: Mary really doesn’t understand human beings, or their emotions, at all. “Sorry for the years of emotional abuse! Here’s this expensive but ultimately useless bauble I purchased at a store. I know that based on the foliage here in upstate New York it’s mid-June, but, FYI, this is your Christmas present, so don’t expect anything in December. Now, who’s ready for another 18-hour practice?”

Luann, 11/13/08

And that’s the day that Luann settled on her future career: phone sex operator.

Hi and Lois, 11/13/08

It had been eleven days since Hi and Lois had forced Chip to join the Army, sold Trixie to the highest bidder, and then got in the car and driven off to parts unknown. Dot and Ditto had eaten the last edible matter in the house. Things were about to get ugly.

Marmaduke, 11/13/08

And by “leave so fast they forget their coat,” he means “are devoured the moment they take their coat off,” of course.

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Mary Worth, 11/12/08

Never mind Mary and Frank’s hissy fit over the most effective way to mold your daughter to your will; what sort of sordid public coupling is going on to their left in panel one? Oh, sure, Coachy McPervert is just “helping” his young skater with her “coat” — but that doesn’t explain why she’s reaching inside his jacket to pull him closer. Looks like some skating coaches know the power of good, old-fashioned positive reinforcement (which, I can’t emphasize enough, only works this way if the skater you’re coaching is not your blood relative).

Apartment 3-G, 11/12/08

The Who On Earth Talks Or Acts This Way Follies continue unabated in Apartment 3-G. As near as I can tell, Gary is freaking out because Tommie went public with their relationship. Which sort of makes sense, because wouldn’t you be embarrassed about dating the least interesting Apartment 3-G girl?

Crankshaft, 11/12/08

Oh, look, it’s apparently characters sitting silently on the couch while the TV news inflicts terrible jokes on them week in Crankshaft. I note that the characters are not watching these wacky news jokesters together, because not even Crankshaft characters want to hang out with Crankshaft characters.

Family Circus, 11/12/08

“Thank you, Grandma, for invoking the name of Beth-Chu-Harebzed over my soup, turning it inky black, like the soul of our satanic master! Now it will give me the strength of ten thousand demons!”