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Mary Worth, 8/1/08

I’m sorry, did I sarcastically imply that yesterday’s strip, in which a restaurant bill was paid, was some sort of apex of boringness? That was before today, when Toby tried and failed to find a boring documentary and contemplated engaging in e-commerce. It’s not going to get any worse than this, right? Right? Please don’t test me!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/1/08

Oh, those extra-thorough county health officials! Naturally, when inspecting private home for contagious diseases, they also do a careful search for residue from illegal drugs! Because it’s a well known facts that drug-addicted degenerates are also diseased! I’m just sorry we didn’t get to see them give a urine test to a bunch of old gym mats.

Shoe, 8/1/08

So … Senator Belfry wants to take you up in him? Senator Belfry wants you to spend time in a basket dangling from his underside? This is the sort of joke that sounds like it’s supposed to be dirty, but dissolves into incoherence when you think about it for more than 15 seconds. The fact that I spend more than 15 seconds thinking about Shoe is probably one of my major life problems.

I do like the fact that the good Senator isn’t even bothering to sit next to his latest floozy. Because actually making conversation with your mistress is for those losers in the House.

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Mary Worth, 7/31/08

See, this is the sort of strip that people try to confront me with when I refuse to acknowledge that soap opera comics maybe might be a little bit boring. And yet how can you deny the tension that crackles out of these panels? Thrill as Mary and Toby half-heartedly argue over who will pick up the check! Shudder in anticipation as you try to imagine just what kind of paperwork awaits Mary back at her empty, lonely apartment! Gaze in wonder at a restaurant bill that contains only line items for “salad,” “stew,” and “dessert,” perhaps indicating that our ladies have lunched at the restaurant owned by Herb and Jamaal! It’s more exciting than taking a roller-coaster ride through a hail of gunfire while tweaking on crystal meth!

Gil Thorp, 7/31/08

It’s been repeatedly established that Elmer’s Spanish is no better than that of any other American-raised native English speaker who paid little or no attention in his high school Spanish class, so Kings manager Fran Riordan’s “let’s put all the brown guys in one hotel room” is mildly troubling. More troubling, though, is the gang sign he’s flashing in panel one, which may indicate that this so-called “minor-league baseball team” is really a violent organization dedicated to the sale of illegal narcotics. “WEST SIDE, BOYEEE!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/31/08

Taken in isolation, the second panel looks like Rex asking if a concerned citizen’s cellar could be used as a makeshift quarantine ward where the MRSA-infected youth could be locked up until the crisis is solved, possibly by their deaths. But since this is Rex Morgan, M.D., we know from the larger context that he actually just likes having a lot of teenage boys available in one easy-to-find location.

Marmaduke, 7/31/08

Today’s Marmaduke is funnier — by which I mean that it’s actually kind of funny — if you read it in light of the theory that Marmaduke’s owner is actually Hitler on the lam. “Argh, electoral democracy is a degenerate failure! When will these dummkopfs learn that the Volk’s will is best expressed through a single party headed by a single, unquestioned leader?” This scenario still doesn’t explain why he’s only sitting three feet away from his television, though.

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Mary Worth, 7/28/08

While Mary and Toby are nattering on about the Great Charterstone Love Story as if this endless plotline is going to continue, I feel quite confident that panel two is introducing us to the character that will be at the center of the next story arc: the waiter’s package. Seriously, the dude clearly is dressing left and I don’t think there are very many comics characters I can say that with such certainty about. Dramatic economy would imply that anything that’s received that much artistic attention is destined for prominence in future installments.

I really wish we had been privy to the morning scene at the Camerons, as I’m sure Ian said something devastatingly cruel about Toby’s purple linked-heart sleeveless t-shirt. It’s really sad when you have to turn to lunch with Mary Worth for an emotional pick-me-up.

Slylock Fox, 7/28/08

It’s nice to see another representative of the ne’er-do-well Rat clan (I’m assuming that Rodney is some form of kin — probably simultaneously nephew and second cousin — to Reeky) causing trouble down at the local second-tier department store and sporting a fine mullet to boot. Still, the rest of the Rats are going to be less than impressed when they find out that his criminal scheme’s ultimate aim is to purloin some gloves. “Oh, I’m sorry, are you too good pick up the garbage strewn around your trailer with your bare hands? Well la-di-da, your majesty!”

Apartment 3-G, 7/28/08

At last, we find out why South Dakota is so damn exciting — Lu Ann’s parents are there! This is exciting not only for Lu Ann but for us seekers of A3G drama, since we’ve been assured by cousin Ruby that Lu Ann’s parents are strangely distant towards their artist daughter. This is understandable, what with her being Lu Ann and all. I’m kind of embarrassed just reading about her every day.

For Better Or For Worse, 7/28/08

“Yes, it certainly would have been awkward telling you about all this while Iris was here, what with her not being invited to the wedding and all.”