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Hagar the Horrible, 7/22/08

You know, the “joke” in this comic would have worked just as well (which is to say NOT VERY WELL AT ALL) if Lucky Eddie hadn’t been drawn to look like the Nazis in Raiders Of The Lost Ark right after they opened the Ark of the Covenant. As it is, we are left to wonder why Doctor Zook is handing out platitudes about a healthy diet to a patient who obviously either hasn’t slept in six days or has just been hit in the face with a brick.

Apartment 3-G, 7/22/08

“Ha, I knew it would be dangerous to bring my diary on this mission — why, it could have fallen into the hands of the Red Chinese! It was a stroke of genius to call my personal assistant on this landline and have her write in my diary for me, which is safely back at home in the U.S. Now the Chinese police will be none the wiser. I’d better use everyone’s full name, too, in case I forget who I was talking about years later when I look at what she wrote.”

Mary Worth, 7/22/08

As she finally resigns herself to this “human affection” thing she’s heard so much about, Mary Worth decides to try putting her head on Jeff’s shoulder, a romance technique she learned from a song on the local oldies station. A good first effort, Mary, but next time you might want to bend at the neck, not the waist.

Judge Parker, 7/22/08

You know, like Freud almost said, sometimes a golf club is just a golf club.

Not in this case, though. This strip is obviously about the fact that Sam and Abbey haven’t had sex since 1995.

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Mark Trail, 7/21/08

“The scent of the meat” being referred to in panel three is, of course, a coded reference to Kelly Welly’s genitals.

Mary Worth, 7/21/08

What is it that “feels to familiar … and yet so fresh at the same time” to Jeff? Mary Worth’s genitals, obviously.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/21/08

“I’m pretty sure the bear represented your genitals! And how, as we enter puberty, I’m simultaneously fascinated by and terrified of ’em!”

Pluggers, 7/21/08

Ha ha, this one isn’t about genitals at all! It’s just an explanation of how this plugger, when slightly less little, came to start getting high from huffing common household solvents.

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Funky Winkerbean, 7/20/08

“Lots of botox,” eh? The terrifying secret behind the endless smirking is revealed! The Funkiverse characters really aren’t the group of smug bastards that they appear to be; rather, misguided attempts to recapture their youthful good looks have left their faces frozen in ghastly rictus grins, despite all the cancerous horror their creator throws at them. It must make their existence extra depressing, frankly.

Slylock Fox, 7/21/08

Answer: Slylock knows that he can get another mouse at the pet store for less than $5. Maybe he can get one like the one with a nice scarf, like the critter drawn by the young man from Terre Haute!

Panel from Mary Worth, 7/20/08

If you’ve read 1984, you probably remember Room 101, the torture chamber where the dictatorial government subjects you to the thing you fear the most. The novel’s hero is threatened with rats, but I’m pretty sure that if I were brought there, I’d be confronted with Mary Worth saying this.