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People! Do you recall that I told you some weeks ago about the glory and majesty of Mark Trail Theater, a genuine Mark Trail-simulating performance in which your humble blogger would appear? And that it would be part of a larger variety show called Glitterama that would include many other acts that you would find amusing and amazing? It has come to my attention that many of you live within easy reach of Baltimore, and yet have not acquired tickets! This post will give you an opportunity to rectify your oversight! The details, again, for those that missed it:

• What: Mark Trail Theater, an eight-or-so-minute play that both lampoons and pays homage to America’s favorite asexual cartoon outdoorsman, Mark Trail, within the context of a larger variety show! Other acts in the show include comedy, burlesque, acrobatics, and more! Some acts may contain nudity, raunchiness, or inscrutable performance art, not appropriate for the younger kiddies, etc.
• Who: Me, my lovely wife, and several fellow aficionados of Mark Trail and/or irony, including a guy who looks uncannily like Mark Trail and another guy who we conned into wearing this bear suit:

  

  
• When: Friday, November 9th at 8 p.m.; Saturday, November 10th and 7 p.m. and 10 p.m. Doors open 30 minutes before show time.
• Where: Load of Fun Studios at 120 W. North Avenue in Baltimore. Mere steps away from the main Baltimore train station, so if you’re thinking, “Gee, I live in Washington/Philadelphia and don’t have a car, so I can’t come,” YOU JUST LOST YOUR EXCUSE, BUSTER!
• How: Huh, I … I don’t know exactly what that question means in this context. Oh, you want to know how to buy tickets? Well, you can buy them at the door, or reserve them online at Brown Paper Tickets. Only $10!

(Since I encourage the dramatization of Mark Trail in as many media as possible, I must point out that an entirely separate group of kindred spirits already do Mark Trail Theater … on the radio!)

Speaking of acting out comics: The unstoppable mother-daughter team of faithful readers that is Rainbird and Huntinbyrd felt that last Thursday’s Mary Worth cried out for a re-enactment. I think you’ll find the results both delightful and unsettling, just as I did:

And finally, faithful reader Toonhead has taken those bizarre body angles and karate-chop motions that we all know and love so well from Mary Worth and to their logical extreme by editing them together and adding 1974’s smash novelty hit “Kung Fu Fighting” as a soundtrack. Enjoy!

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Argh, those Sunday strips are so big! Let’s take them on in bite-sized chunks.

Apartment 3-G, 10/28/07

Yes, Ruby, and if your mad cosmetological skills don’t land you a hairdressing job, your mad unbearably-white-deployment-of-verging-on-outdated-slang skills should land you a role in that new off-Broadway production, Diff’rent Strokes: The Musical.

Panel from Beetle Bailey, 10/28/07

“I wish you got more to give me, Beetle. I wish you would just turn around and say ‘I love you, Sarge,’ never mind the consequences. But you don’t got the guts. So I’ll just stand here with my hand on your shoulder, your tight-football-pants-clad butt just inches from my crotch, for a few minutes. That’s all I’ve got. I wish I got more.”

Portion of the Family Circus, 10/28/07

I’m not sure which is more disturbing: the thought that daddy’s work pants are tattered and stained with cut-rate gin and urine, or the thought that daddy’s work pants are bright pink and end just below the bottom of his butt cheeks.

Panel from Mark Trail, 10/28/07

“Normal humans have nothing to fear from our friends the owls! However, horrible mutants — like this freakish, big-foreheaded specimen here — will be subject to vicious, merciless owl attacks. Remember, owls are your town’s first line of defense against mutant incursions!”

Panel from Mary Worth, 10/28/07

I guess those motion lines around Dr. Jeff’s head are supposed to indicate that he’s taking a deep, hearty quaff of whatever hard liquor he’s surreptitiously poured into his coffee mug, but they look more like bobble lines of shock and horror to me. Combined with his wide eyes, I imagine he’s thinking, “Wait, it isn’t? God damn it, woman, you know that if my son’s involved in this stupid comic strip, I need to show up in it every once in a while as well. Why can’t the plots involve Chinbeard and his trophy wife for once? Who are they sleeping with to get out of their contractually mandated number of appearances in this nightmare?”

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Judge Parker, 10/26/07

Woo! At long last, something exciting is happening in Judge Parker! Exciting and … completely nonsensical, but what the hell. I’m pretty sure that the reason I haven’t been able to follow the business and legal machinations of this plot is because they’re complete twaddle, as is Rusty Duncan’s incomprehensible Sam-lust. You might as well get all hot and bothered (and stupidly risk your high-powered lawyer career) over a particularly handsome slab of wood for all the satisfaction you’ll get out of it. One hopes that this isn’t a tiresome “lady professionals lose their mind over a hot hunky man” plot but rather part of some wheels-within-wheels intrigue, with hidden cameras ready to put this cute little scene all over the Internet. The handkerchief is there to collect a bit of Sam’s blood that will spurt from the gashes she’s about to tear in his ear; this will be useful for later DNA testing to prove that the photos depict her kissing the real Sam and not a life-sized Sam mannequin (since it would obviously be hard to tell otherwise).

Mary Worth, 10/26/07

I guess Vera’s line about “see[ing] the stars at night” is supposed to be some kind of reference to their first starlit make-out session,” but it’s pretty much impossible to interpret it as anything other than “Drew brought me to levels of physical pleasure that Von could never reach.” And maybe it’s me, but I really don’t think you should be talking to Mary Worth about the quality and quantity of your orgasms. It just seems wrong.

Archie, 10/26/07

Not that I’m a big expert on the minutiae of Archie characters’ inner lives or anything, but in my experience the Coach Kleats mainly doesn’t express any emotion other than numb-eyed acceptance of the wackiness and incompetence surrounding him. Thus, his Bob Knight-style tirade at a reporter’s legitimate (if ludicrously vague) question is kind of surprising. Presumably he’s desperately trying to prevent the press (and the readers) from noticing whatever it is number 7 is about to do to number 11 in the first panel.

Gil Thorp, 10/26/07

Typically, Milford teams are good enough to make the playdowns (AND YES THEY CALL THEM “PLAYDOWNS” IN GIL THORP DON’T ASK ME WHY ALL RIGHT?), but then inevitably flop in the first or second round. It’s good to see this year’s football squad breaking that mold by descending into total incompetence. Pretty soon a desperate and/or bored Gil will put in the team’s fourth-string quarterback: the kid with one leg. The only sad part is that Marty Moon is apparently too drunk or not drunk enough to launch into the “Fire Gil” campaign that he usually gets rolling at the first sign of trouble in the Milford Athletic department.

Panel one makes it clear that Coach Kaz is still battling his troubling addiction to cosmetic surgery.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 10/26/07

CEO J.P. Honcho testifies in Congress against stricter environmental laws:

“Increased regulations make American factories uncompetitive … not needed … voluntary improvements are the way … our plants are perfectly safe … clean-burning fuel … wouldn’t hurt a fly …”

So when he builds his sprawling mansion with his eight-digit bonus check, does he put it downwind from his own factory? Oh, dear reader, need you ask?

“Somethin’ about the country air … so fresh and clean … sure it’s far from the plant, but it’s worth it for the ol’ lung-quality … ahhhh …”