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Hi and Lois, 3/13/23

You know, I’ve often wondered how lovable disheveled loser Thirsty manages to hold down his job at Foofram Industries, but today we learn that by sheer force of not giving a shit he’s not only gainfully employed but has an office with a door and little desk sign that cheerfully proclaims his drinking problem to anyone who wanders in. Mr. Foofram is completely powerless against Thirsty’s utter lack of shame, and frankly a lot of us could take some pointers from him.

Dennis the Menace, 3/13/23

You know, “menacing” is communal process: it requires one party to behave in a potentially menacing fashion and another party to perceive those actions as menacing. So Dennis can trot this stuff out all he wants but if everyone is just going to titter indulgently, it’s not menacing. He’s clearly hoping for a theological escalation that he simply isn’t going to get at this drippy liberal Episcopalian parish his parents drag him to every week.

Gil Thorp, 3/13/23

Every team needs two kinds of assistant coaches: one who yells specific things you need to do, and another one that just yells general compliments. And thanks to their big fundraiser, the Mudlarks can now afford both, who hold down coaching duties on the sideline while Gil goes and takes a 25-minute “smoke break”.

Slylock Fox, 3/13/23

I love that, instead of drawing anything relevant to the logic puzzle he’s giving his class, Sly has just drawn an elaborately lifelike portrait of Count Weirdly on the whiteboard. “Blah blah fingerprints blah blah LOOK AT THIS FACE,” he says. “THIS FACE IS ALWAYS GUITLY. ONCE YOU SEE THE FACE JUST WORK YOUR WAY BACKWARDS TO SOMETHING VAGUELY PLAUSIBLE THEN LOCK HIM UP.”

Mary Worth, 3/13/23

“Your furry friends … [Mary pauses, then has a panicked thought that Wilbur and Dawn might have fursonas she doesn’t know about] … Pierre and Libby?”

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/11/23

Hank Jr. and his new bride live with comic book artist “Horrible” Hank Sr., and the most likely interpretation of today’s strip that one of the thing that makes Hank Sr. “Horrible” is that he forces his son and daughter-in-law to watch whatever it is that he wants to watch, even though they’re late middle age adults themselves and there are presumably other TVs or screen-based entertainment devices in the house. But the way he’s phrased it, speculating about the movie “dad has in the player,” kind of implies that they’re going to get home long after Hank Sr. has gone to bed, and watching the movie he’s left for them is their only option because the DVD player has some kind of elaborate lock on it, or maybe because these two simply haven’t figured out which of the buttons is “eject”.

Mary Worth, 3/11/23

“It used to be fun coming into your workplace and not doing work! But now that I have to do work … it’s not fun at all. More of a job, really. I don’t care for it.”

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Gil Thorp, 3/9/23

We all of course remember that time that Mudlark basketball star Ted Pearse was living in a homeless shelter and the fans of one of their rivals taunted him about it by dressing up as hobos, but I feel like we’ve mostly forgotten that Ted’s own teammates showed their support (?) for him by wearing masks so that they didn’t “catch homelessness.” Anyway, it looks like one of our current Mudlarks is, like Ted, in an economically precarious position, but sadly (for us, and, maybe for him?) the days of ostentatious Valley Conference theatricality are long behind us, so all we have is the new assistant coach blurting out “Damn, son, your shoes are all fucked up, like a poor person’s.”

Mary Worth, 3/9/23

Oh, sorry, do YOUNG ZOOMER veterinarians feel like they need to go to their “safe spaces” and engage in “self-care” after a hard day of putting dogs to sleep, like the girls with the nose rings on TikTok tell them to do? Well, their ELDER GEN X/BOOMER CUSP/NOT REALLY SURE HOW OLD ED AND/OR ESTELLE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE uncles certainly don’t bother with that nonsense. “Burnout?” Ed says, the corners of his mouth tugging up into a smile but his eyes staying 100% dead. “Never heard of it.”