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Mary Worth, 6/8/16

Pretty cool to know that Harlan has given a lot of thought to the dynamic of the little two-dog pack he has going on over at his sad little apartment! One question, though: if Harlan’s the alpha dog, why’d he name the other dog Alfie? Seems unnecessarily confusing. And if he’d named it “Beta-y”, he could just claim he was inspired by beloved St. Louis Hawks star Zelmo Beaty.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/8/16

Wait, why is Snuffy debating the sheriff? Is he running for sheriff? While I wouldn’t put it past Snuffy to try to take control of local law enforcement and declare all crime legal, that would be a lot more democracy than we’d ever seen in Hootin’ Holler. More likely this “town hall debate” is an pretext for the gathered residents to violently eject from the Holler the only representative of the distant, hated government. Presumably the arguing will be over whether the sheriff should be allowed to flee after being roughed up a bit, or if his body should simply be dumped just over the county line.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 6/8/16

St. Bernards traditionally carry liquor in their little casks, and hipster small-batch liquor is definitely a thing, so it saddens me that this joke is about bubbly water. C’mon, Mother Goose and Grimm, booze jokes are OK in the comics again! Thirsty Thurston’s back to being an obvious drunk! Go nuts!

Beetle Bailey, 6/8/16

So Beetle’s shorts came off but his hat didn’t? A likely story. That isn’t even his usual hat. And look at his exaggerated sweating as he pleads his case! I recognize consensual public nudity-based humiliation play when I see it.

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Mother Goose and Grimm, 8/9/15

Well, it appears that Grimm, one of the beloved title characters of the syndicated comic strip Mother Goose and Grimm, has died. RIP Grimm, 1984-2015. Looking forward to seeing what new strip is in this space tomorrow.

Beetle Bailey, 8/9/15

Meanwhile, Zero, one of the beloved ancillary characters of the syndicated comic strip Beetle Bailey, is being carried off to be devoured by birds. Nobody will mourn him and the strip will continue on as usual.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/9/15

Ha ha, you didn’t think I’d have a post called “Depressing Sunday” and not talk about Funky Winkerbean in it, did you? Anyway, the time travel situation turned out to be “just a dream,” but let’s look on the bright side: this class reunion plot began with Les being strongarmed into running it at the last minute and extremely anxious about screwing it up. Typically, that sort of setup would result in the protagonist overcoming obstacles and putting together an event that everyone enjoyed, even if things happened that were a little out of the ordinary. But nope! This is Funky Winkerbean! Les did a shitty job and now everybody hates him! This is honestly the most satisfying conclusion that I can imagine.

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Mary Worth, 4/27/15

Mary gleefully explains love using the familiar language of commerce: “There are no guarantees, so how about a trial period? You could check out lots of free samples — and before you commit, be sure to line up all the coupons and rebates you can. Maybe you could even negotiate a discount for that bum leg. Under the circumstances, you should probably spring for the service contract. There are also some really good deals to be found when you buy in bulk — does Adam have any brothers? Check out the accessories, but don’t let anybody sell you something you don’t need — I know from my experience with Dr. Jeff that the rustproofing is a ripoff. And remember to shop around, including online. And don’t rule out barter! Say, what does Yelp have to say about this guy?”

Mark Trail, 4/27/15

OK, how much does everybody love hapless, never-to-be-married Wally Wood? Seriously, this guy couldn’t buy a hap at World of Haps Outlet Store on Presidents Day. Maybe Mark Trail will spin off The Trials of Wally Wood to compete in the coveted “misery porn” bracket now dominated by Funky Winkerbean, featuring guest appearances by Mark to get things rolling:

Mother Goose and Grimm, 4/27/15

And the comic strip makes three. Or maybe they just killed the wrong dog.

— Uncle Lumpy