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Need to break out of this “Oops! All prophecies!” narrative loop

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The Phantom, 8/1/23

The current Phantom storyline, broadly defined, has consisted of Old Man Mozz prophesying for our hero multiple different versions of how his plan to spring pirate, but for good/sexual-tension-with-the-Phantom-haver Savarna from Gravelines prison might work out. They all work out bad, in the long run, due to various Dramatic Ironies, but our hero has decided to go for it anyway, or at least I think so, because we’ve had long versions of the story play out in the strip before that have just turned out to be Mozz’s narrative and not the “real” action in the strip, and maybe this time will work out the same. But my point is that this night, and its consequences across branching timelines, has been going on more than two years at this point, so I wouldn’t say it’s ended too soon at all! I think we could pretty much wrap it up, if I’m being blunt about it.

Gil Thorp, 8/1/23

Good news, Toby! Thanks to the Supreme Court’s unanimous decision in NCAA v. Alston, college athletes can now profit from endorsement deals, so on the off chance that this year’s last place Conference USA program decides to juice interest and alumni donations by recruiting the kids who played in “that child prison football game that they ended up having all the Congressional hearings about,” you’ll be able to do sponcon on your Insta and TikTok accounts, probably for vape cartridge manufacturers. Everybody wins!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/1/23

Can one law enforcement officer truly keep on top of fishcrime, beastcrime, and mancrime? Truly this is an impossible task!

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Tuesday quickies

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Gil Thorp, 6/27/23

Oh wow, it looks like the WOKE FCC won’t let America’s millions of high school sports fans hear fraught language or see a father-son relationship fall apart, with devastating emotional effects that will leave both parties wounded for years, THANKS A LOT PRESIDENT BRANDON

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/27/23

Good lord, I thought Snuffy knowing common French phrases was bad, but I absolutely cannot abide by Hootin’ Holler’s citizenry acting as if they all accept the germ theory of disease.

The Phantom, 6/27/23

Savarna and Wilbur: The superstar teamup we didn’t know we needed!

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Ha ha, Marvin likes cookies, you see

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Marvin, 6/26/23

“Because you said it in front of him in English, a language he absolutely speaks and understands! Yeah, I know, he’s a baby, or maybe a toddler, or maybe a four-year-old who isn’t potty trained, and sometimes he uses thought balloons and sometimes speech balloons. Nobody really can explain what’s going on. Anyway, it’s a good thing we don’t seem to be required to do a ‘joke’ of any sort here. Egg shortage ended a while ago, incidentally.”

Beetle Bailey, 6/26/23

Look, I’m as glad as anyone to say good-bye to my mid-to-late ’00s vogue for “ho ho, what if Beetle and Sarge were … FUCKING … in a kinky way” jokes, but I do appreciate that they still take the time to antagonistically flirt with one another now and then.

The Phantom, 6/26/23

Believe it or not, The Phantom is still years deep into this “the Phantom springs Savarna from prison … and the consequences may be catastrophic” storyline and I don’t feel a need to keep you updated on the details, but I do need to point out that CHHFROOSH! is a top-tier sound effect that we all need to recognize and respect.