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The Phantom, 10/24/20

Next week: NEW ADVENTURE!!!! Hopefully its climax will be as exciting as this one: The Phantom dozing off while his wife natters on about the romantic destiny of her teen son and their daughter’s friend.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/24/20

Good news! Adeela was about to have her life destroyed by a terrible combination of bureaucratic incompetence and institutional cruelty, but then one of the formerly most powerful people in the world was convinced to make a phone call and it solved all her problems! Everyone who’s more than one degree of separation from a current or former political leader can go fuck themselves, though.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/24/20

I am not a parent, but I know enough parents to sometimes get a glimpse of why the Family Circus has historically been beloved among parents, and I truly admire today’s panel, which features Daddy having been pushed to a place in his life where he’s attempting to earnestly reason with a pre-verbal toddler.

Mary Worth, 10/24/20

[cackling evilly] YES … YES! … IT’S A THREE’S COMPANY-STYLE MISUNDERSTANDING … BUT WITH CRACK AND/OR METH!

Mark Trail, 10/24/20

Mark’s new assignment is sending him to Happy Trail Farms, and based on the last two panels here, my guess is that he escaped from there years ago after being grown there in a vat.

Crock, 10/24/20

Like, a significant portion of the time the jokes in Crock are pretty difficult to parse, and normally I’d complain, but today? When the joke is about how beloved character “Maggot” got horny at the movies? I appreciate this protective layer of obfuscation.

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Daddy Daze, 10/16/20

There’s a lot of mysteries about the Daddy Daze daddy and the Daddy Daze baby that keep all of us up at night– does the daddy have a job? Does the baby actually “say” or think the things that the daddy attributes to him, or is he a normal baby and the daddy is merely insane? — but you know who we don’t think a lot about? The Daddy Daze mommy. The backstory as descried by the syndicate is that the daddy is a “single dad who amicably shares custody of little Angus with ex-wife Amy.” But like … the baby is very little, right? Like less-than-a-year-old little, right? They’re divorced and their baby is less than a year old? That seems like a real mess! How amicable can it be, man? Anyway, my point is that “somehow got stuck on a see-saw” is not really a reason you want to have to call your ex, I don’t care how amicable it was when you broke up when she was pregnant.

The Phantom, 10/16/20

Ahh, now that Kadia has rejected her terrorism-tainted mother, the next step in the great Walker master plan is taking shape: bring back their teen son from Tibet and get them married! You don’t maintain a 22-generation superhero bloodline without a little strategic breeding, Kadia seems very imprinted on the Walkers, and Kit’s been in a monastery all this time and is probably pretty horny.

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The Phantom, 9/18/20

It appears that Kadia is trying to resist her destiny as the heir to her father’s terrorist empire and the future archnemesis of future Phantomess Heloise by rejecting her mother and, more specifically, all that sweet cash that the Nomad raised via terrorism (?) and stashed in various Swiss bank accounts and/or safe houses full of euros that his wife still controls. Kadia will only accept virtuous handouts, like those from the Walkers, who get their money by occasionally selling priceless cultural artifacts hoarded over the centuries on the black market, Diana’s salary for whatever UN job she does (which there’s a 50-50 chance on any given days it’ll involve numerous compromises with various dictators and warlords), and the presumably lucrative “Unknown Commander” protection racket.

Crankshaft, 9/18/20

OK, when this was just a store going out of business it was all fun and games, but store cats out of work and with nowhere to go? I will not stand for this, it is monstrous, how dare you

Mark Trail, 9/18/20

Meanwhile, America’s #1 syndicated nature comic strip currently in (temporary?) reruns is here to make us think hard about our whole relationship with our pets. Sure, Mark is very attached to Andy, a “great animal,” but who mourns for the rabbit, about to be killed and eaten by a … fox? sure, let’s say fox. That’s just nature’s way! Really makes you think, doesn’t it? (If anything happens to Andy or Felix, there will be blood and it’ll be human blood, just saying.)