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Arlo and Janis, 4/10/08
Dennis the Menace, 9/17/17

Margaret puts her own dark spin on the Arlo and Janis classic: It was her idea, Dennis, all hers. And she has so very many ideas for you.

Menace level: Grandmistress.

Spider-Man, 9/17/17

Hoo boy, is this strip ripping off Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade or what: underground standoff, chalice of immortality, unstable geology, icy-hot villainess — the works.

Now Tyrannus here is an evil guy, no doubt: he usurped a kingdom from good ol’ Melvin the Mole Man, busted up his wedding, put him in chains, talked endlessly about killing him, yada yada. But Spider-Man’s plan is to deprive a desperate old man of the cheap, plentiful resource he needs to postpone his degeneration and death? Brr. Dude, you’re a super-hero, remember?

“Next: Hiding Aunt May’s digitalis!”

Phantom, 9/17/17

Speaking of stretching the limits of heroism, seriously Phantom, I know Prince Valiant set a precedent, but you gotta crucify these guys? (OK those aren’t technically crosses, but what else: “isocelate”?)

And isn’t Guran reaching for the blackout powder just a little too often? Last time I looked, that was for enemies, or at least mildly inconvenient nosy reporters. But he may need a lot more of it once it dawns on these cops that the sketchy rando who shows up out of nowhere and starts explaining the crime to them is pretty obviously the perp. Has nobody in this godforsaken backwater seen a single episode of Law and Order?

— Uncle Lumpy

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Rhymes with Orange, 9/16/17

A long while back my daughter Cousin Lumpy came home from preschool and announced that they had a “case of headlights,” as if Fawn Valley Montessori had suddenly gone into auto parts distribution. Adorable, am I right? Not at all creepy or horrifying. See there, Rhymes with Orange? That’s how you do parasite humor! Not like this. Never again like this, please?

Sally Forth, 9/16/17

When Sally first showed off her hairstripe in July 2016, it was a narrow band of purple in her signature jet-black 1970s hair helmet. Fashion-forward Aunt Lumpy tells me these things need to be maintained or they grow out. But Sally’s seems instead to be spreading. Distressing, sure, but nothing to cut off your thumb over.

Pluggers, 9/16/17

After the explosion, the beaches of San Diego were littered with scraps of nylon, tufts of fur, and the bodies of suicides who could neither forget what they had seen nor live with its memory.

Phantom, 9/16/17

Time once again for Uncle Lumpy Reads Comics Even Josh Doesn’t Read, So Nobody Has To Except for Poor Me, a regular feature. Sad, because IMHO this strip has been on a narrative and artistic roll since March — seriously, click to zoom that middle panel; go ahead, I’ll wait.
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We’re wrapping up the moody, atmospheric “Death of the Phantom” story, and it falls to me to pick winners and losers:

• Winner: Diana, who can now counter Kit’s “I rescued you from Boomsby” brag with “Yeah, I saved you from getting shot by that punk in the weed shirt, and it’s your night to wash the dishes!”
• Winner: Babudan, who can now top Guran’s “I’m totally the Phantom’s bestie” with “Yeah, I totally saved his life — and that hat is ridiculous!”
• Loser: L’il Kit, who will now look at his Dad the way Prince Charles looks at the Queen.
• Loser: Old Man Mozz, whose “immutable prophecy of Phantom’s death” is looking more and more like either some kind of weird con or the bad dream of a demented stoner.

Hey there faithful reader! I’m sitting in for Josh through the 24th while he takes a well-deserved break. Give me a shout at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net if you have access or comment problems. Enjoy!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Mark Trail, 6/9/17

Oh, man, I haven’t kept you up to date on Mark’s Kidnap Adventure, huh? Well, that’s because literally nothing has happened except for Johnny getting a little too far ahead of the group for Bald Kidnapper Guy’s comfort, but now we know that our heroes are going to triumph through the power of … trick riding! Pretty sexy, eh? Trick riding? That’s a sexy thing? [looks it up on Wikipedia] Oh, it’s just business about riding a horse in a fancy way, never mind.

Mary Worth, 6/9/17

Meanwhile, Katie and Derek are having a big blowout argument — the sexy kind, the kind that stirs the passions and reaches a climax when anger turns to lust and [squints and looks more closely at strip] nope, nope, never mind, this is the kind of argument that erects a wall of emotional distrust between two people and it’s hard to ever come back from it to a loving, intimate relationship, forget I said anything.

Phantom, 6/9/17

Fine, here’s an actual sexy soap opera strip. Yes, it’s doing a particularly weird version of the thing where if the readers at home glimpse the Phantom’s eyeballs, we’ll all die, but just … there are pecs, OK? Large, sexy, hairy pecs. And underboob shadow! Something for everyone!