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Hagar the Horrible, 4/19/10

Wow, this little crowd scene may represent the most artistic effort and affection I’ve ever seen lavished on a Hagar the Horrible strip. There are really quite a lot of nice touches: the crowd behind our heroes, grinning good-naturedly at the spectacle; the occasional pitchfork, conveying the both social class of the onlookers and the threat of violence lurking just beneath the surface of the seemingly festive gathering; the knight just to the left of Lucky Eddie, literally licking his lips in anticipation, and his friend, cheerfully pointing out some detail of interest to him; and, of course, the black-robed, torch-wielding executioner, his eyes wild but his dour expression indicating that he alone appreciates the terrible gravity of what’s about to take place.

Of course, all this is in service a particularly grim punchline — ha ha, everyone likes coming out to see a couple of guys get set on fire! Of course, said guys are savage Viking warriors who may well have killed or enslaved many of the family and friends of the people in the crowd, so perhaps their murderous glee is justifiable.

The Phantom, 4/19/10

So it turns out that the narrator dude who I misidentified last December as Billy Dee Williams was, as several helpful readers pointed out, merely a miscolored depiction of deceased Phantom creator Lee Falk. Apparently the coloring crew has been alerted and today he has been depicted with the proper skin tone. However, I’m not sure if anyone can explain the artist’s choice to portray him in panel three as a some kind of deranged goth leprechaun, complete with skull-tipped shillelagh.

Marvin, 4/19/10

Oh, look, it appears to be a new character in Marvin! Nothing good ever comes of new characters in Marvin, as nothing good ever comes from the strip itself, but since she’s making her debut by threatening physical harm to the titular hell-infant, I’m willing to give her a chance.

Apartment 3-G, 4/19/10

We may not get to see anyone die in a hail of bullets in Apartment 3-G, but we do get to see how Margo’s mind works, which is almost as harrowing/hilarious! “Only people who are so fanatically devoted to me that they’ll sacrifice their lives for my safety merit Margo Alone Time.”

Mary Worth, 4/19/10

I’m pretty sure Bonnie just made a pass at Mary, which I’m pretty sure makes her the second most sad, lonely, and pathetic person on Earth (after Dr. Jeff, of course).

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The Phantom, 4/18/10

A mere 15 months after Bernie Madoff’s arrest — and a mere six or so months after the launch of innovator Judge Parker’s take on the scandal — the Sunday Phantom is launching a White Collar Investment Scam plotline of its very own! While Judge Parker’s version ended with a notoriously dull flood of exposition, the always-saucy Phantom narration box promises us that the Ghost-Who-Doesn’t-Understand-The-World-Wide-Web will solve the crisis in world financial markets with his fists and his pistol, as is his wont.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/18/10

So, it looks like the Morgans’ plans to forcibly drag their ne’er-do-well houseguests into bourgeois respectability are finally bearing fruit. It turns out that Brooke just needed the satisfaction of a job well done to coax out a smile that would break through her sullen shell! And Toots — or, sorry, “Tony” — is doing as he’s told, plus bringing just an extremely mild dose of countercultural wackiness (uh, what are the young radical kids into? the environment? yeah, put some whales and shit up there, that’s the ticket) to brighten up Rex and June’s just-a-little-too-staid suburban life. Yep, it looks like everything’s going to be fine, just fine, right up until Toots and Brook sneak off in the dead of night with all of the Morgans’ valuables.

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Today’s comics prove that the right weapon can nurture a relationship’s fragile beginning, extend its blissy peak, or bring it to a swift, bitter end — let’s see how!

The Phantom, 3/19/10

Here, Ghost-Who-Walks and Captain-Who-Stalks enjoy a rousing round of armaments-themed flirting. It won’t be long before those torpedo doors fly open, the heavy ordinance rumbles from its below-decks shotlocker, and a gleaming projectile slides its way all snug up inside that smokin’ hot barrel.

Next: BOOM!, a shared cigarette, and lounging around in purple bathrobes.

Beetle Bailey, 3/19/10

Poor Major Greenbrass’s wistful longing for General Halftrack glows soft as a candle beside Sarge’s white-hot torch for Beetle. But still, when stirred by the roar of massed air and ground forces, the Major manages to gin up a heroic narrative exalting his beloved’s pathetic shortcomings to the grand scale of epic failures by history’s other insecure, tyrannical, nutjob runt.

Apartment 3-G, 3/19/10

Drug-addled, vengeance-crazed, and Papagoras-blather-benumbed, Bobbie nevertheless understands illegal commerce better than her mugger-turned-gun-dealer pal! Let’s go over the basics for him:

• Muggers have the upper hand in their transactions; salespeople don’t. Customers won’t cower like your victims did.
• People buy untraceable guns specifically to commit crimes; some of them will get caught. Therefore, do not create traceable associations with your customers!
• This specifically means do not accompany customers into banks, lest you be photographed together. ProTip — wearing a hoodie into a bank will not help you escape attention.
• Don’t confuse your customer by asking why you should trust her: your profession is founded on mistrust. And what’s the worry? That she’ll give you someone else’s cash? Seriously, even if she bails on you, you’re out what — busfare?
• Think ahead: once you give her the gun, why shouldn’t she mug you for her money back? This is Margo’s insane evil stepmother we’re talking about, right?

Mary Worth, 3/19/10

Alas, sometimes the love is real but the artillery only a reader’s earnest fantasy. Could anything less than murder avenge the months of graceless frolicking, the arid Marylessness, and the interminable sandwichery we’ve endured for a payoff as insipid as, “I learned fatherhood from a man who was not my father.” I swear, we had better get a pool party out of this mess.

Speaking of messes, you have to credit the hilarious squalor of the life Kurt fled and now reëmbraces. Bare lath on every wall, mirror cracked in ways mirrors don’t crack, every picture and doorframe askew. Kurt looks glad to see his pregnant girlfriend, though. He must not know the child is Wilbur’s.

Spider-Man, 3/19/10

Yak yak yak ogle yak yak yak yak yak. This is like 9 Chickweed Lane, with bigger chins and less actual fighting.

Crankshaft, 3/19/10

Pam’s pinchlipped scorn gives way to shock that her husband is as big a douche as her father, and that her creators still have no idea how to set up a joke — except for the cruel one they inflict on her, day after endless day.

Hey, Josh is off on vacation out in scenic Undisclosed Location; I’m subbing for the week. If you have site issues, please contact me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net — to reach Josh personally, try bio@jfruh.com but expect a wait.

— Uncle Lumpy