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Pardon My Planet, 6/13/20

So they’re gonna … dig up this guy? Who’s been dead for more than 20 years? And … they’re gonna make him pay his taxes? As near as I can tell there’s no famous tax cheat with the name and lifespan on that headstone, so maybe this is some sort of name-check of an acquaintance of the cartoonist, whose grieving family surely didn’t deserve this.

Beetle Bailey, 6/13/20

Generally speaking, those “delivery in [X] minutes or your pizza’s free” rebates come out of the driver’s paycheck, so I guess the joke here is that this guy is going to lose money because Beetle is holding him for a while at gunpoint.

Pluggers, 6/13/20

THAT’S RIGHT, MOTHERFUCKERS, PLUGGERS HAVE NEVER DONE A MOMENT’S INTROSPECTION IN THEIR LIVES AND THEY NEVER WILL

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The Phantom, 5/14/20

The current Phantom poaching storyline has been boring enough that I haven’t covered it on this blog, at all, but if you think I’m going to not comment about a grinning guy sawing a lion heart in half in the daily newspaper, you’ve got another thing coming! Anyway, basically the plot was that an evil American poacher wounded a lion but didn’t pursue it to kill it, because he was a coward in addition to being evil, and so after the Ghost Who Saws Lion Hearts In Half handed over the poacher to Llongo Justice, he tracked down the wounded lion to put it out of its misery. And, well, you know, hunting lions is bad, but if things have come together in such a way that you have to a hunt a lion, for the lion’s sake, then you might as well cut the lion’s heart in half and feed part to your semi-tame wolf, right? Go ahead and saw it in half! It’s A-OK, in this fairly contrived scenario!

Mary Worth, 5/14/20

Nothing much to say about today’s Mary Worth except holy cow check out Jared’s absolute piece of shit car! I love that even though he’s the “winner” in his battle for Dawn’s affections, the strip wants to be very clear that his life is still sad and pathetic. Is that … duct tape? Are those two relatively small pieces of duct tape all that’s keeping the hood from flying open, which will presumably result in Jared veering wildly off the road and killing them both? Let’s hope!

Pluggers, 5/14/20

So you better not tell them to do it or they’ll stop doing it just to spite you and prove you’re not the boss of them, they don’t care how good an idea it is or how many people they kill

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Gasoline Alley, 4/8/20

“Josh,” said nobody, absolutely nobody, nobody real and nobody you could even conceive of as being a vaguely believable fictional character, but for this bit imagine that there might, in some bizarre parallel universe, be a person or persons who would ask the following question, “What’s going with the thing in Gasoline Alley where they were going to save the farms or whatever?” Well, the save-the-farms meeting has devolved into absolute chaos, and not even the fun kind, just the kind where nobody’s really in charge and they’re definitely not sticking to the ostensible topic, which is probably fine because none of these dopes has any idea about how to save the farms, that much I can guarantee. Anyway, the strip’s extremely non-beloved wacky parrot character is here stirring up shit, and is today apparently stealing valor! The nerve! Can’t wait for him to go to prison.

Pluggers, 4/8/20

Despite the contempt I regularly shower onto Pluggers, I would be very sad if it went away! And yet I can’t really see where it has to go after today’s installment, “Pluggers sure plug up the toilet a lot, with their poops.”